Venting I am so stuck

[foreverotting]

I am so incredibly tired of living.

My birthday was three days ago and here I am. Physically alive, but mentally dead. When I was 13 I was convinced I wouldn't be alive at 18. I spent my whole teenage years depressed with suicidal intent while those around me spent theirs with pride. Eventually, those I grew up around graduated on time while I stayed behind catching up on my classes. I still haven't graduated high school yet- I still have another year to go until I do, and that's if I actually pass my classes this year. I haven't shown up to school for two weeks and have missed two months of school in total.

I am constantly at a new low and it's easy to say that I have lived a miserable life. I started therapy at 14 and since then I have taken so many medications that I can't even count them on two hands. I've tried an outpatient program that was five days a week, 7AM-3PM, for a month and a half, I tried inpatient back in September of this year for 9 days and left despite my therapist that I had there suggesting I should stay longer, but I just missed my bed too much. I also just finished a TMS program and see my therapist every Tuesday. Despite all of this, I am at my lowest.

I have TRIED recovering and I still AM but nothing is working out. I am so depressed every day and sleep for over 12 hours a day. How is it humane to keep a person alive despite feeling so miserable. All I'm doing is making my parents waste their hard earned money on me while I give nothing in return. The least I could do is show up to class or help around the house, but do I do that? No, I don't. At this point I am useless and my brain has spent all of its time developing into a depressed-lazy person. How am I supposed to get better now? I've been like this for so long now. I can only see suicide as an option, but I can't even do that because I will not put that on my family.

What the hell am I supposed to do now??? I just want to sleep all the time and not do anything, but I can't because I have to go to school and get a job or else my parents will eventually have to kick me out. I can't just live there until they die. FUCK everything, I fucking hate everything

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry that you are in this situation, it sounds like you are going through a lot. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

What the hell am I supposed to do now???

The eternal question.

Why do you think your parents would kick you out? If they've tried so much I'm just curious why. Do you have anything aside from sleep you enjoy, even on a rare occasion? Any habits that bring you peace of mind that could potentially be translated to something done as a job? Any interests?

I always liked when things were ordered well and put in their right place (not in my own room, but still) so I found I enjoy just stocking shelves sometimes. Not always and that's not all the job is nor can I do it full time for various reasons. But there are a lot of types of jobs out there. If your parents are supportive they will hopefully be fine with you taking it slow. Easier said than done, but don't burden yourself with extra stress.

These are just suggestions, if you have any interests to try pursuing them and see where that goes. Might get you up more and you can go from there. You've already tried a lot so I have no idea what to suggest. Honestly I'd love to sleep 12+ hours (ideally 24) a day but something drives me to work (slack off a lot lately though) too much. I'm not entirely sure what. Maybe guilt or feeling I owe people something or maybe my SI takes a greater form and forces me to not give up. I think my part-time job in receiving did more to help me out than anything but my mindset is a bit wrong too since I hate myself more just when I have to call out since I'm too sick to go in. Anyways small steps if you can make them. Just my two cents.

Give yourself credit for what all you have tried though. It's exhausting to even think of it all, you've tried so much. Best wishes and I hope things can improve for you somehow.

 

[foreverotting]

Why do you think your parents would kick you out? If they've tried so much I'm just curious why. Do you have anything aside from sleep you enjoy, even on a rare occasion? Any habits that bring you peace of mind that could potentially be translated to something done as a job? Any interests?

I don't think they would truly kick me out, but I don't want to live there forever. I just know it would burden them and I'm tired of stressing them so much. I wish I could say I enjoy certain hobbies but I just don't anymore. I used to game a lot, but everytime I try to I get annoyed and bored by the thought of even doing something, so I go back to sleep.

Give yourself credit for what all you have tried though. It's exhausting to even think of it all, you've tried so much. Best wishes and I hope things can improve for you somehow.

Thank you. I wish I could give myself a break, but my brain won't stop telling me how lazy I am.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I don't think they would truly kick me out, but I don't want to live there forever. I just know it would burden them and I'm tired of stressing them so much. I wish I could say I enjoy certain hobbies but I just don't anymore. I used to game a lot, but everytime I try to I get annoyed and bored by the thought of even doing something, so I go back to sleep.

Thank you. I wish I could give myself a break, but my brain won't stop telling me how lazy I am.

I can understand that, wanting to move out. It is so incredibly hard when just life is as exhausting as it is. I don't know if it's the healthiest thing to do, but maybe you could see if your guilt over burdening them can ever serve as some form of motivation to get you started.

I can also understand losing hobbies, I've lost most as well. I really just work and sleep, and that's not much of an existence either, I just feel more restrained and have less time for the rare times I'd like to do or try anything.

Best wishes once more. The fact it's on your mind shows you do want to change, whether or not it's currently possible, and I think that's great. I hope you can pursue whatever you feel is best for you eventually. And if not, hopefully the sleep can bring you some peace for now, I wish I could get more haha