So I just bought some sodium nitrite online and it will get here nov 27th. I am scared lmao. I know that i do not want to kill myself. Thats not what i want. I want to stop feeling the pain and the emptiness. but in order to do that i have to get help and let myself feel the love thats so graciously given to me, and i mean actually feel it. right now, i know my friends and family love me. i know. and i am so sorry. i just cant fucking let myself feel it because im fucking retarded. therefore i truly believe that suicide is MY only option. i will always choose my mental illnesses over any form of intamacy, true happiness, and my physical being. i understand that i can seek help and i understand that whats going on in my head prpoblay needs to be treated with some type of med but that is so much fucking work lmao. i know i can do it. in reality, im just harming myself by not seeking help, and i understand that but i am okay with it, and thats the fucking problem. i should not be okay with ruining my body with drugs and mutilation. but its whatever. its like a cycle. i know i need help, and i know that i could get help, thats the part of me that sees the light. the part of me that still sees the beauty of living and the hope thats spewing from everyone and everything, waiting to be taken in. but the part of me that does not care is telling me that there is no fucking point in getting help because.. who CARES. WHO CARES if i get better, im going to fuck something up or someone is going to fuck ME up and im going to be right back where i came from. i know i have to be in control of my emotions and actions, i have to learn how to not overreact in bad times but holy fuck does it hurt. how the fuck do you start your life over after planning it with someone after nearly 6 fucking years? how the fuck do you learn to be dependent on yourself when this person is who and what got you out of what was at the time, your darkest time? whatever. im not killing myself because i got broken up with. im killing myself because now that i am alone i can *somewhat* clearly think of how shit my life has been. i dont have that fake fluorescent light shining on me for no reason anymore. this is me. this is what i truly feel and who i truly am. i am still terrified. i am so fucking scared. i am going to die. i dont know what to think. i am going to be gone forever. my existence was meaningless. but at least i will never feel the horrible loneliness i feel in my chest. that is enough for me. i will never feel useless and i will have no more regrets.
im so fucking sorry. im such a coward and i am so selfish. i could work on my problems and be better, not hurt anyone. but ive chosen the easy way out. im so sorry. my grandmother came to talk to me about thanksgiving. she is a jehovah's witness so she does not celebrate holidays but she knows i love thanksgiving so she said she would make the dinnter a day before the actual date of. the 27th of november. it broke my fucking heart. i dont know how many days it will take to xoxo out this bitch after i drink the "cocktail" but holy fuck i hope i find a way to make sure she does not find me. i also hope i actually do fucking die. if i have to wake up in a hospital one more time im going to go insane. as im writing this my little cousin came to ask me why its so hard to open doors while your hands are wet. im so sorry. i hate the fact that i am going to hurt you all. i wish i could do this without hurting anyone, if that means anything. i dont want you guys to suffer because my brain is broken. holy fuck this shit kinda hurting yall. ive been so focused on how to off myself, i havent stopped to think about how this is going to hurt those around me. i cant say sorry enough. i am just so damn tired and i refuse to keep numbing myself to this pain by playing games with the boys and sitting in calls. i really just need to stop pausing this and go through with it. i hope my friends enjoyed their time with me. i love them so much and we all bond so well. our personalities compliment eachother so well. we are honestly the perfect group of friends. i think thats all i had to say. i dont even know. my chest hurts so badly and i feel so fucking alone. i refuse to seek help or ask my friends to speak to me when i feel like this because i feel weak and like im looking for attention. so, i have to endure this. it just hurts so badly knowing that i am here, on this planet, alone. and i say alone because im no ones responsibility. at the end of the day everyone is living their own lives and it would be cruel of me to add any extra stress. no one has to be here for me :)
im so fucking sorry. im such a coward and i am so selfish. i could work on my problems and be better, not hurt anyone. but ive chosen the easy way out. im so sorry. my grandmother came to talk to me about thanksgiving. she is a jehovah's witness so she does not celebrate holidays but she knows i love thanksgiving so she said she would make the dinnter a day before the actual date of. the 27th of november. it broke my fucking heart. i dont know how many days it will take to xoxo out this bitch after i drink the "cocktail" but holy fuck i hope i find a way to make sure she does not find me. i also hope i actually do fucking die. if i have to wake up in a hospital one more time im going to go insane. as im writing this my little cousin came to ask me why its so hard to open doors while your hands are wet. im so sorry. i hate the fact that i am going to hurt you all. i wish i could do this without hurting anyone, if that means anything. i dont want you guys to suffer because my brain is broken. holy fuck this shit kinda hurting yall. ive been so focused on how to off myself, i havent stopped to think about how this is going to hurt those around me. i cant say sorry enough. i am just so damn tired and i refuse to keep numbing myself to this pain by playing games with the boys and sitting in calls. i really just need to stop pausing this and go through with it. i hope my friends enjoyed their time with me. i love them so much and we all bond so well. our personalities compliment eachother so well. we are honestly the perfect group of friends. i think thats all i had to say. i dont even know. my chest hurts so badly and i feel so fucking alone. i refuse to seek help or ask my friends to speak to me when i feel like this because i feel weak and like im looking for attention. so, i have to endure this. it just hurts so badly knowing that i am here, on this planet, alone. and i say alone because im no ones responsibility. at the end of the day everyone is living their own lives and it would be cruel of me to add any extra stress. no one has to be here for me :)
