I am so sad it has come to this

[Lauriso]

I don't want to die. I want to live. To love, to create, to explore, to feel. All those things that make life worth living. But I can't. Depression has robbed me of those things, and no treatment has helped me. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post, but it might be my last. It's scary to seriously consider it.

I'm writing this from the paradise of Canary Islands, my last hope for feeling better. But every day has been miserable. My brain is broken. Nothing gets through the wall of pain. Alcohol doesn't help. Drugs do, but tolerance sets in so quickly and I'm back on square one.

I've lived a rich life, full of adventure, creativity, traveling and passion. I have little regret if I have to go.

Now it's about choosing a method and carrying it out. A huge project, especially being depressed. I would do ANYTHING to get better but I have no clue what could help anymore. I have almost no friends left and my family doesn't care or understand.

I think I will travel back home and take drugs to muster enough energy to plan and arrange everything. I hope there is an afterlife, and if so, I will find out, if not, then I will just cease to exist. I am so so sad to have come to this. But that is the tragical honesty of my situation. Thanks to everyone who reads this.

 

[eldiablo666]

You could hold out for musks Neuralink?
Although I don't know how long it will take

 

[actual_fox]

What caused your misery?

 

[Lauriso]

You could hold out for musks Neuralink?
Although I don't know how long it will take

Never thought about it and don't know much about it.

What caused your misery?

Honestly, nothing in particular. It's like my brain just haywired and nothing felt the same anymore.

 

[cowie]

It seems like you really gave your best shot trying to beat the depression and your feelings are understandable. I hope this isn't your last post, but if it is, I hope you find the peace you seek. Glad you do not have regrets.

 

[Dot]

If u r stll lookng fr potetnl trtmnts thn slf cld snd u sme infrmatn if r interstd

Slf am pr-chce bt thnk = alwys shme fr ppl 2 ctb wht thy d/ nt rlly wn2 - am in simlr positn s/ cn rel8

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have suffered a lot, it must be really tiring what you are going through. It's just so horrible how all this endless pain exists in this world, I'm sorry that it's come to this point for you. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[Finding Sirius]

I'm sorry life has come to this for you. Whatever you chose, I wish you peace.

 

[lifeORdeath]

Never thought about it and don't know much about it.

Honestly, nothing in particular. It's like my brain just haywired and nothing felt the same anymore.

I can relate to your feelings and wish I could offer something to help. I hope you are able to find the help you see looking oir , no matter which path you choose.

Granted I am not on the canary islands, I have been thru some rough times but .mostly if my own doing to cause regret and wish to be dead.

 

[ZRA]

This reminds me quite a bit of myself. I hope we both find peace, fren.

 

[insomni_yak001]

I don't want to die. I want to live. To love, to create, to explore, to feel. All those things that make life worth living. But I can't. Depression has robbed me of those things"

I FELT THAT. I dont want to die, but the conditions im living in are inhumane. This feels like the most traumatic thing, to desperately want to live but have no way to do so

 

[Zegers]

Depression is underrated because people don't understand what it is and it's logical, you can't understand it until it happens to you but it's like going into a black hole, it's hard to explain.

 

[LittleJem]

@Lauriso I remember chatting with you a while ago. I want to applaud your courage and perseverance in the face of depression. I wish we had better answers for this cruel illness.

In case any of the following help you get through some days of depression:

I have a brain/light machine that I bought for stupid amoutns of money that I will hopefully be testing (when I get help how to use it). If I have any luck I will let you know. It is 'brain entrainment' and called the 'Pandora Star'. I have no idea if it will help, but I need to use it a few times a day and see if it can. They sold it to me without a plug, so I need to get help to get it plugged in. Pissed off about that.

It is a drug/medication - but Lyrica (Pregablin) gives me some relief. It is not the most pleasant of medications long term, but 3 tablets of Lyrica gives me a happy/funcational day (in combination with fluoextine). Another one is Modafinil, that can also give some relief - I recommend it highly and you can get it easily online. It boosts dopamine. The other thing is Tramadol, that can also get me out of bed for the day (and on drugs.com it has 9/10 for depression).

On more optimistic days I think I could cycle Lyrica, Modafinil and Tramadol and keep myself out of the worst of depression. I don't have enough supplies at the moment, but those are my best tips. I am entirely out of weed at the moment and that is terrible. Hardly have the motivation to go and find any.

At the same time, I am with you in the suffering and despair of depression.

 

[makethepainstop]

I don't want to die. I want to live. To love, to create, to explore, to feel. All those things that make life worth living. But I can't. Depression has robbed me of those things, and no treatment has helped me. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post, but it might be my last. It's scary to seriously consider it.

I'm writing this from the paradise of Canary Islands, my last hope for feeling better. But every day has been miserable. My brain is broken. Nothing gets through the wall of pain. Alcohol doesn't help. Drugs do, but tolerance sets in so quickly and I'm back on square one.

I've lived a rich life, full of adventure, creativity, traveling and passion. I have little regret if I have to go.

Now it's about choosing a method and carrying it out. A huge project, especially being depressed. I would do ANYTHING to get better but I have no clue what could help anymore. I have almost no friends left and my family doesn't care or understand.

I think I will travel back home and take drugs to muster enough energy to plan and arrange everything. I hope there is an afterlife, and if so, I will find out, if not, then I will just cease to exist. I am so so sad to have come to this. But that is the tragical honesty of my situation. Thanks to everyone who reads this.

Glad you wrote this, now I need you to give me your full attention, please. From what you have described of how these feelings have suddenly appeared, you may be suffering from a chemical, toxin, vitamin deficiency, or say a brain aneurysm. Give me an ear here and learn wisdom. Please see a doctor,(physician not psychiatrist), explain your sudden symptoms. They can do blood work or even a MRI or CT scan to see if you have had a small brain bleed event. Blood work can determine if you have a high level of elementals or toxins affecting you. Those who have s lack of certain vitamins can cause such violent shifts in feelings. At least check out the possibility that you might be suffering from the above mentioned things. If you are not suffering any of those things, you can always ctb.....later!

 

[Lauriso]

Glad you wrote this, now I need you to give me your full attention, please. From what you have described of how these feelings have suddenly appeared, you may be suffering from a chemical, toxin, vitamin deficiency, or say a brain aneurysm. Give me an ear here and learn wisdom. Please see a doctor,(physician not psychiatrist), explain your sudden symptoms. They can do blood work or even a MRI or CT scan to see if you have had a small brain bleed event. Blood work can determine if you have a high level of elementals or toxins affecting you. Those who have s lack of certain vitamins can cause such violent shifts in feelings. At least check out the possibility that you might be suffering from the above mentioned things. If you are not suffering any of those things, you can always ctb.....later!

Thanks, I'm already taking a shitton of vitamins and food supplements that were recommended specifically for depression.
I guess I could visit my family doctor, but I'm not sure how knowledgeable she is about all this.
I've been feeling this way for a bit more than 2 years now I think...

 

[makethepainstop]

Thanks, I'm already taking a shitton of vitamins and food supplements that were recommended specifically for depression.
I guess I could visit my family doctor, but I'm not sure how knowledgeable she is about all this.
I've been feeling this way for a bit more than 2 years now I think...

Some of those vitamins and foods could be part of the problem. As I have said above please at least consult an MD. No one should ctb because of a toxic . Much love to you in your suffering.

 

[Lauriso]

On more optimistic days I think I could cycle Lyrica, Modafinil and Tramadol and keep myself out of the worst of depression.

So I'm back home and still alive. Just took my first 100mg of Tramadol after reading many positive reviews about it. Fingers crossed.

 

[Lauriso]

So I'm back home and still alive. Just took my first 100mg of Tramadol after reading many positive reviews about it. Fingers crossed.

Well fuck me, even 200mg did nothing. And it's supposed to be fast acting :/.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

So I'm back home and still alive. Just took my first 100mg of Tramadol after reading many positive reviews about it. Fingers crossed.

Pay attention to negative reviews. There are a lot of substances out there capable of haywiring your brain that the medical community and regulators turn blind eyes to. Not all of it is reversible but it's good to know if you're one of the many sufferers brought here by pharma negligence.

 

[LittleJem]

@Lauriso sorry it did nothing for you. It has got me out of bed sometimes and given me a bit of an opiod haze. I don't know if it's worth carrying on taking it for a little while or not, it has worked for me immediately when I've used it. gutted for you.
Ps here are reviews on Modafinil. I just had 100mg and feeling the most motivated I have all day (I spent all day in bed again)

Modafinil for Depression Reviews - Drugs.com

Reviews and ratings for Modafinil when used in the treatment of depression. 76 reviews submitted with a 8.7 average score.

www.drugs.com

 

[Lauriso]

Pay attention to negative reviews. There are a lot of substances out there capable of haywiring your brain that the medical community and regulators turn blind eyes to. Not all of it is reversible but it's good to know if you're one of the many sufferers brought here by pharma negligence.

Tramadol is actually the highest rated antidepressant on drugs.com, even though it's not actually an antidepressant. That's why I was hopeful. But no, my problems started before I started taking any meds.

@Lauriso sorry it did nothing for you. It has got me out of bed sometimes and given me a bit of an opiod haze. I don't know if it's worth carrying on taking it for a little while or not, it has worked for me immediately when I've used it. gutted for you.
Ps here are reviews on Modafinil. I just had 100mg and feeling the most motivated I have all day (I spent all day in bed again)

Modafinil for Depression Reviews - Drugs.com

Reviews and ratings for Modafinil when used in the treatment of depression. 76 reviews submitted with a 8.7 average score.

www.drugs.com

Is Modafinil supposed to kick in quickly too? Luckily my family doctor prescribes me anything I ask without any questions.