Venting I am so lazy and useless

[EntomologicalCat]

I have had such a hard time doing work and being productive since I was really young and I hate it. I don't even know why or what to blame it on. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of the neglect I faced as a child and how my parents didn't seem to care about what I was working on or what I needed to do. I've always been incredibly tired and fatigued since I was a kid, and my doctor had always blamed it on my weight and diet, but even when I was a "healthy" weight and I was able to bring myself to consistently eat healthy, it never changed. It's like I have one foot stuck in the grave at all times. I am just constantly tired and exhausted despite doing little, and my brain feels so slow and scattered 24/7 that I'm only able to do hard work once in a blue moon when I feel less bad. People just act like I "don't care" about my grades or my health or the cleanliness of my house, but that's so far from the truth. I've always cared which is why it gets on my nerves when I have stuff due, or when my room is dirty, but I just feel too exhausted and unmotivated to do anything about it. This has surpassed all ability to just "push through" or force myself to do things. Some days I only get out of bed to go to the bathroom, there have been times where I've missed school because I was just not physically strong enough to get out of bed. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!!!! And I am so tired of people acting like it is my fault!!! I have no treatment, no therapy, no medication, no support. I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that they don't care what I do as long as I do my best, and then when I actually do my very best they don't accept it because it doesn't meet their personal standards. It pisses me off. I've had to listen to so many pep talks, make so many promises of "I'll do better", stress myself to the point of my hair falling out and losing my period in order to try to get my grade from a 40 to a 60 in A SINGLE CLASS, just for people to tell me that I'm not good enough, and that I'm lazy and won't amount to anything.
All I want is just some actual, genuine help. No more "just push through it just do it!!", no more pep talks, no more blaming my issues on things that clearly aren't causing them. I just want help because I quite literally cannot help myself.

 

[Zegers]

People say a lot "just do it" but they don't have problems that drain their energy, there is the option "dont do it"

 

[chillmungo]

Caffeine is a hell of a drug. If you regularly drink coffee or some other source of caffeine it might slowly start to change you.

 

[EntomologicalCat]

Caffeine is a hell of a drug. If you regularly drink coffee or some other source of caffeine it might slowly start to change you.

I started drinking caffeine a while ago because I thought it could help. I have ADHD so it tends to have the opposite effect on me. When I drink caffeine, all it does is make me jittery, anxious, and gives me a headache- but it never improves my energy levels. This sucks because i am addicted to monster energy, and have withdrawal symptoms when I don't drink it for an extended period of time. I agree that it's probably been changing me, though- just not in a good way.

 

[magician99]

It's like I have one foot stuck in the grave at all times. I am just constantly tired and exhausted despite doing little, and my brain feels so slow and scattered 24/7

Very relatable. I feel the same. Depression and extreme fatigue is like, the worst combo.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful and tiring what you have to go through, but I'm not even surprised that those people are so insensitive, I bet it would be different if they ended up in the same situation.

 

[Sweet Tart]

Sigh, parts of this are sooooo familiar to me, tho of course we are different and our situations are different. I'm an adult who lost my independence last year due to depression. My mom screams about how frustrated she is that I'm not getting better. It's always my fault- like, my therapist sucks (and it took months to get an appointment with anyone) so why haven't I changed therapists yet? Why aren't I telling my psych NP to change my meds if they're not working? But I've tried almost all antidepressants already... and I'm on a regimen that WAS reducing my suicidal thoughts. But that doesn't count as progress because I'm still taking up space in her home. Why haven't I gotten a job yet? When I can barely get myself to shower once or twice a week and never leave the house...

All I want to do is sleep, play with my cat, and play the MMO that gives me a bit of peace every night. These things are all that is keeping me alive right now. But to her, it looks like laziness. Fuck people who have never experienced clinical depression but think they are qualified to tell us how to "fix" it. That's not how it works.