Venting I am so fed up with being a such a pussy

[ravenous]

I know I'm not alone in this but I don't understand what is wrong with me. I have been suicidal since I was nine, I am now in my twenties and I didn't attempt suicide much despite thinking about it everyday. Death genuinely attracts me and I would really qualify it as freedom and peace so why on earth am I inflicting myself this life when the answer really is that easy ?? Like a lot of people I'm afraid of the pain of course, I'm not scared of death itself at all and I always think the pain is worth it but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have anything to fight for I have no friends no dear possessions no family no home I genuinely have nothing holding me back and see no future in capitalism as it is.

I don't think the fear of pain is the only thing holding me back but I can't comprehend what else it is and as long as I can't find it I can't fight it. It drives me crazy, I'm in pain and confused.

 

[INTJme]

It's likely Survival Instinct.

I know I'm not alone in this but I don't understand what is wrong with me. I have been suicidal since I was nine, I am now in my twenties and I didn't attempt suicide much despite thinking about it everyday. Death genuinely attracts me and I would really qualify it as freedom and peace so why on earth am I inflicting myself this life when the answer really is that easy ?? Like a lot of people I'm afraid of the pain of course, I'm not scared of death itself at all and I always think the pain is worth it but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have anything to fight for I have no friends no dear possessions no family no home I genuinely have nothing holding me back and see no future in capitalism as it is.

I don't think the fear of pain is the only thing holding me back but I can't comprehend what else it is and as long as I can't find it I can't fight it. It drives me crazy, I'm in pain and confused.

 

[dinosavr]

Oh god I feel exactly the same. It's like I've looked at death from sooooo many different angles, I've been trying to recover, to fear it again or whatever but NO every single time I end up in square one, back to suicidal ideation. And I'm fucking sure it's a good decision. And yet, still can't make myself do it…

 

[aWeeBitTired]

Evolution is a bitch. I can want to jump from the edge in all my conscious power but nothing is stopping my lizard brain from making me step back.

 

[divinemistress36]

I agree it's survival instinct. Your body doesn't give a damn how much suffering you go through it will do whatever it can to keep you alive

 

[unabletocope]

Could be a lot of things, maybe you've felt conflicted about things. I've been feeling suicidal for about 10 years, what kept me going to some extent was a sense of people who kept me going which in turn helped me to keep going, of course when you hit 26 that starts to unravel in that suddenly everything is on you to keep yourself going (up to that age there are still things around you to some extent) and that's a pressure in itself that can break people, all I can say is inform yourself as much as you can, take in as much as you can and connect with you what you can, the answers will come to you out of that

 

[UKscotty]

25 years wanting to CTB here.

Wanting to CTB and being ready are two very different things.

Once we are ready we will know.

 

[ravenous]

Oh god I feel exactly the same. It's like I've looked at death from sooooo many different angles, I've been trying to recover, to fear it again or whatever but NO every single time I end up in square one, back to suicidal ideation. And I'm fucking sure it's a good decision. And yet, still can't make myself do it…

It's hard having a brain functional enough to keep you from doing it and wonder why while our brains are fighting themselves

It's likely Survival Instinct.

I won't deny it it obviously plays it's part but if I had access to a dose of euthanasia I wouldn't hesitate so I don't understand how it works...My survival instinct is picky...

 

[Alex Fermentopathy]

Maybe the fear of failure?

 

[ravenous]

Maybe the fear of failure?

I am absolutely horrified by the thought of failing :')
So you're right this is most likely the one thing holding me back

 

[INTJme]

I won't deny it it obviously plays it's part but if I had access to a dose of euthanasia I wouldn't hesitate so I don't understand how it works...My survival instinct is picky...

It's the same with me and I believe with most others too. We wouldn't hesitate to go with N or other "peaceful" methods because they don't require us to do things we've never done before like jumping off some crazy height, hanging, or shooting oneself. Ingesting something is so natural. We do it at least thrice a day and have been doing it ever since we were born. Heck, we've all unknowingly also ingested poison in the form of stale food that caused us issues afterwards. So I get your point but it's still Survival Instinct at play here.

 

[ravenous]

It's the same with me and I believe with most others too. We wouldn't hesitate to go with N or other "peaceful" methods because they don't require us to do things we've never done before like jumping off some crazy height, hanging, or shooting oneself. Ingesting something is so natural. We do it at least thrice a day and have been doing it ever since we were born. Heck, we've all unknowingly also ingested poison in the form of stale food that caused us issues afterwards. So I get your point but it's still Survival Instinct at play here.

Somebody pointed out the fear of failure and I think it's also an interesting answer.
But I still agree with you it's just that it's such a simple answer it makes it frustrating

 

[INTJme]

Somebody pointed out the fear of failure and I think it's also an interesting answer.
But I still agree with you it's just that it's such a simple answer it makes it frustrating

Every method has a chance of failing, just the degrees vary. No method is 100%. And while fear of failure may also be a factor, I personally don't think this is what stops us from trying because there are methods out there with 95< success rate and yet a lot of us don't opt for them.

it's just that it's such a simple answer it makes it frustrating

You're being too harsh on yourself. Even the smartest of people don't figure out the easiest of things at times. It's okay. When it's time, you'll be ready and nothing will come in the way of whatever it is you seek.