I am so embarrassed of what I am going to leave behind.

[binkleshpoo]

I know an investigation is going to have to happen after my death, and I know it shouldn't matter because I'm going to be dead, but oh my god, I am so humiliated by the shit law enforcement is going to find if they're seriously going to look through EVERYTHING. Things I didn't even want friends and family to see. Like, are they going to go through my sketchbooks? Are they going to see any of the porn I drew? The porn I WROTE? The porn I LOOKED at? Are they going to tell my family and friends about this shit? I'm probably just paranoid. I'm not just worried about porn, by the way. I'm just worried about all of the things I never wanted anyone to see or know about me getting drug up.

Not to mention the journals I have for manifestation/reality shifting (I still believe in this but I don't think I have the balls to continue anymore, it's embarrassing, I know, don't ask. If you don't get it you don't get it.) where I detailed painfully exactly how old I wanted to be again (I never wanted to be an adult. If it was in my hands I would've stopped being alive the moment I turned 16) and exactly who I wanted to be, because to be frank I wanted to be a completely different person with a completely different upbringing.

I know I wont have any privacy after I die. And I want to die so I shouldn't care about this in the long run. But I am just so so embarrassed. Last time I attempted, years ago, I tried hard to scrub everything embarrassing away, off the internet, off my devices, etc. But I am just too tired to do this this time around. It took me hours to do that. I really should just format my devices before I go through with it, but I...I don't want to. I don't know why. I just want to CTB impulsively whenever I feel like I can't continue and have it over with.

I guess it's just a reminder that I am unfortunately, inescapably, embarrassingly a human being. I need to just stop caring about this because all it will do is keep me here longer, but it's hard.

I don't even think I'm that great of a person. I'm disgusting, I'm weird, I'm a freak, I'm evil. So what is the point of hiding it, really?

 

[persepexa]

I completely relate to that feeling. They are going to find weird things on my devices too. I'm so ashamed. Would it be alright if I PM'd you? It's just something you mentioned in this post really intrigues me.

 

[binkleshpoo]

I completely relate to that feeling. They are going to find weird things on my devices too. I'm so ashamed. Would it be alright if I PM'd you? It's just something you mentioned in this post really intrigues me.

Um, sure. But I'm sorry if I end up just not responding even if I saw your DM. For the past few months I have been entirely turned off from and afraid of speaking to other people. (Just a forewarning.)

 

[persepexa]

Um, sure. But I'm sorry if I end up just not responding even if I saw your DM. For the past few months I have been entirely turned off from and afraid of speaking to other people. (Just a forewarning.)

I completely understand don't worry. If you reply that's fine and if not that's cool too.
Actually I don't think I can even message you because you're a new member. Oh well haha.

 

[binkleshpoo]

I completely understand don't worry. If you reply that's fine and if not that's cool too.
Actually I don't think I can even message you because you're a new member. Oh well haha.

Oh darn :/ I was really curious about what you had to say now. I kinda figured it was about the reality shifting/manifesting thing.

 

[persepexa]

Oh darn :/ I was really curious about what you had to say now. I kinda figured it was about the reality shifting/manifesting thing.

Yeah it was haha. I'd love to hear more about it it sounds absolutely fascinating. I think a reality shift is exactly what I need.

 

[thunderrous]

Hey, I completely understand you. My paranoia gets so bad I end up deleting/formatting all my accounts and devices that sometimes I lose even my most precious memories.Thankfully I've worked a system out with which I can safely rely on that my data gets deleted. Trust me it's not embarassing. I can give countless number of examples of people leaving behind SO much worse things. You shouldn't be ashamed of these things, it makes you wonderfully YOU even if you don't believe it. Calm your self buddy <33

 

[binkleshpoo]

Yeah it was haha. I'd love to hear more about it it sounds absolutely fascinating. I think a reality shift is exactly what I need.

Since I can't PM you: All I will say is look into "law of assumption" on Tumblr. Reality shifting is almost the same exact thing as it in truth, because every manifestation is just a shift. I have been able to manifest things occassionally and I truly think everything is possible, even insane wild things, because otherwise I think I would've done myself in years ago. My belief in something fantastical is the only thing keeping me around. It just takes a lot of persistence and refusal to give up, which I just...Don't think I have at this point. If I am being honest, I want to shift to a reality where none of these terrible things in the world are happening. No more bigotry of any kind. No needless death. No oppression. No hatred. I genuinely feel like I can't continue in a world this evil. I really don't care if it ends up just being a 'dream' or a 'delusion', as long as I feel happy. As long as I feel better. That's exactly why I'm giving myself another month or two to succeed with this in specific. If I don't...Well...I'm gone.

 

[persepexa]

Since I can't PM you: All I will say is look into "law of assumption" on Tumblr. Reality shifting is almost the same exact thing as it in truth, because every manifestation is just a shift. I have been able to manifest things occassionally and I truly think everything is possible, even insane wild things, because otherwise I think I would've done myself in years ago. My belief in something fantastical is the only thing keeping me around. It just takes a lot of persistence and refusal to give up, which I just...Don't think I have at this point. If I am being honest, I want to shift to a reality where none of these terrible things in the world are happening. No more bigotry of any kind. No needless death. No oppression. No hatred. I genuinely feel like I can't continue in a world this evil. I really don't care if it ends up just being a 'dream' or a 'delusion', as long as I feel happy. As long as I feel better. That's exactly why I'm giving myself another month or two to succeed with this in specific. If I don't...Well...I'm gone.

Thanks so much I'll look that up!

 

[binkleshpoo]

Hey, I completely understand you. My paranoia gets so bad I end up deleting/formatting all my accounts and devices that sometimes I lose even my most precious memories.Thankfully I've worked a system out with which I can safely rely on that my data gets deleted. Trust me it's not embarassing. I can give countless number of examples of people leaving behind SO much worse things. You shouldn't be ashamed of these things, it makes you wonderfully YOU even if you don't believe it. Calm your self buddy <33

Thank you very much. I know I'm overthinking it. Most people in my life probably wont even hear about all the embarrassing things I'm so afraid of them seeing....And if they do, they'll probably just think, well, they were human. I feel better.

 

[thefarter]

in the beginning of my suicidality. i used to worry about this all the time. and as time went on. it just stopped mattering . because i realised oh.. won't matter because .. i am dead bro..

and also. i got doxxed which is why am gonna kms so here's nothing left to worry about really