Venting I am so anxious about the uncertainty of life.

[Namelesa]

hhhhhhh I am so nervous about what will happen with my life. I don't know at all if I am going to get better or things will be okay or I will continue to suffer or get even worse. I don't want to have to go through more uncertainty than I have already gone through. I just want complete safety and death can only bring that as there i can no longer feel anything. To me life always has the risk of harm when anything can go wrong and I am able to feel things.

I actually used to have a period of time where I got better but one simple event made me go back to misery and it being even worse. What if I some how got better again and another thing happens that ruins my life? I am going to be forever worried things are going to go wrong no matter how i feel.

My whole life has been fuelled with fear of avoiding pain. Avoid getting teachers angry or disappointed in me and getting into trouble. Avoid doing anything to upset and hurt others so I don't cause more suffering and so they don't leave me so i can rely on them for my happiness. I don't want to fear anymore but if I need to so I can avoid greater suffering and consequences. There is always something to be worried about.

I am too fragile to deal with this world but I can't die cus I lack access to methods so I just got to hope things don't go too badly for me. God I feel so helpless and out of control with my life.