Venting I am selfish for existing

[NonsenseTrash]

I think my time is nearing soon. I dont know how much longer until it happens. I have been trying harder to reach out to my therapist and to involve myself here, but there comes a time when its selfish to keep going.
I am toxic. I cause nothing but pain onto others because I am in pain. I just finished yelling at my parents for the ten millionth time, even though all they do is show me love. I need to disappear. I need to stop hurting everyone who comes into contact with me.
Also, no one gives a shit about me. I cant even get an ounce of respect from my roommates to be effing quiet when im sleeping. I dont even go to sleep that early. They just dont give a jack about anyone but themselves. This is the pattern. The world doesn't want me. There have been signs after signs telling me that my entire life.
I'm sorry for creating such a useless dark post. I just needed to get this out. I am pretty sure I am done. This isnt a goodbye thread, but at the same time, I am not sure how much longer my SN is going to go without use. I dont have the proper antimemetics yet, but at this point, I just need to stop this peice of crap existance soon. I dont know if I can take it much longer.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I think my time is nearing soon. I dont know how much longer until it happens. I have been trying harder to reach out to my therapist and to involve myself here, but there comes a time when its selfish to keep going.
I am toxic. I cause nothing but pain onto others because I am in pain. I just finished yelling at my parents for the ten millionth time, even though all they do is show me love. I need to disappear. I need to stop hurting everyone who comes into contact with me.
Also, no one gives a shit about me. I cant even get an ounce of respect from my roommates to be effing quiet when im sleeping. I dont even go to sleep that early. They just dont give a jack about anyone but themselves.
I'm sorry for creating such a useless dark post. I just needed to get this out. I am pretty sure I am done. This isnt a goodbye thread, but at the same time, I am not sure how much longer my SN is going to go without use. I dont have the proper antimemetics yet, but at this point, I just need to stop this peice of crap existance soon. I dont know if I can take it much longer.

Your parents give a shit, I give a shit and I'm pretty sure that a lot of people here gives a shit too. As you said, your parents love you, if they are not getting angry at you after you yell at them it's probably because they feel your pain in some way, even if they maybe don't understand it.
You have shitty roomates, ok, they won't be the last shitty people you encounter in your life.
Have you talked about your pain to your parents ?
Don't be sorry my friend.

 

[NonsenseTrash]

Your parents give a shit, I give a shit and I'm pretty sure that a lot of people here gives a shit too. As you said, your parents love you, if they are not getting angry at you after you yell at them it's probably because they feel your pain in some way, even if they maybe don't understand it.
You have shitty roomates, ok, they won't be the last shitty people you encounter in your life.
Have you talked about your pain to your parents ?
Don't be sorry my friend.

They know. They were the ones who found me after one of my worst attempts. They have been the ones to help put me through treatment. They have been incredibly supportive. They know I've struggled ever since coming to them. But, I've also been horrible to them and my brother growing up. Constantly being difficult. I took the attention away from my brother growing up and now he struggles in life as well. I am a toxic entity that the world never wanted.

 

[Iloveyouall]

They know. They were the ones who found me after one of my worst attempts. They have been the ones to help put me through treatment. They have been incredibly supportive. They know I've struggled ever since coming to them. But, I've also been horrible to them and my brother growing up. Constantly being difficult. I took the attention away from my brother growing up and now he struggles in life as well. I am a toxic entity that the world never wanted.

Did you tell your parents and your brother that you feel guilty ?
You feel sorry for them, you're a good person, you're not as toxic as you think.

 

[k75]

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much. But you aren't alone, and I think you have as much right to exist as anyone else does. You don't sound toxic. If you were, you wouldn't care about how you're treating the people in your life. You sound depressed and hurt. Depression makes us all think terrible things about ourselves, and it convinces us nobody cares. But it's usually lies.

I don't think it's true that noone gives a shit about you. You said yourself all your parents do is show you love, and by default that means they give a shit. Most people have roommates that suck. People just suck. You can't judge your worth by that.

 

[NonsenseTrash]

Yeah, I told them. They know, but it doesnt change the past.

I'm really sorry you're hurting so much. But you aren't alone, and I think you have as much right to exist as anyone else does. You don't sound toxic. If you were, you wouldn't care about how you're treating the people in your life. You sound depressed and hurt. Depression makes us all think terrible things about ourselves, and it convinces us nobody cares. But it's usually lies.

I don't think it's true that noone gives a shit about you. You said yourself all your parents do is show you love, and by default that means they give a shit. Most people have roommates that suck. People just suck. You can't judge your worth by that.

Thanks. I forget sometimes that depression and feelings arent the truth. But, at the same time, it feels real. The logic behind it makes sense.

 

[ALiflessDreamerOtaku]

to be honest you are just having a shitty roommate
im not in your situation so i dont know how bad it is
but heres what i think
if you think you are toxic then just dont be toxic and be nice to people
and be more considerate when you do things

and there are people who care about u
me and people in this community
feel free to vent more and i will try my best to help you

well i dont know how you feel but maybe you should rethink about your life before you do it
hope to see u on the other side if you really do it
im going soon too maybe in 10 years when i cant bear it anymore

 

[Iloveyouall]

Yeah, I told them. They know, but it doesnt change the past.

I may sound dull but the past is the past. Maybe call them and say that you are sorry for yelling at them earlier. Even if they already know your pain, talk to them again. Speak to your brother too, you obviously feel guilty but they all need to know that you love them, no matter if you yell at them sometimes. Don't be scared to open up to them, they are your family and they seem to love you as you describe it.

Sorry my friend but I need to leave, I'll come for news tomorrow. People care, I can assure you that.

 

[Drifty]

I am really sorry to hear the pain you're going through, but never forget you're not alone.

Like previous users have said, your parents love you, and they always will. Yes, your roommates are shit, but that won't last forever. I know it's so much easier said than done, from experience, but you need to stay strong.

The way I have stopped myself from ctb is telling myself that I would be selfish to ctb. The damage it can cause to loved ones, friends, and people who care about you can put some people in the same situation. I always tell myself "how much would this hurt my girlfriend or my dad if I ended my life?" and I always refrain from ctb.

I know this isn't an easy concept to grasp and incorporate into your life consistently, but never forget people do care, I care, your parents love you and care for you and they luckily accept what you are going through. Depression causes horrible thoughts, causes you to push the most important away, puts you in a dark place all the time. You are not toxic and you certainly don't seem it.

There will always be people to talk to and release your feelings to here.

Stay strong my friend, you will pull through this.
to follow on, I know ctb isn't selfish, if your life is the worst and you don't want to be here anymore, you are your own person and you are allowed to act upon your own feelings. This is just the way I personally stop myself

 

[Iloveyouall]

How are you feeling today buddy ?

 

[NonsenseTrash]

How are you feeling today buddy ?

I'm doing better, still not great, but hanging in there. I reached out to my therapist and he was able to help me navigate some of the difficult feelings. I ended up texing parents an apology and they were really supportive.
I also texted my roommates and expressed my feelings to them. I havent really gotten a response yet. I think they will be angry at me, but I'm trying out this new thing: expressing my feelings in a "healthy" manner.
Its sort of new to me to feel my emotions but not act impulsively on them.
Thank you guys for being so supportive. SS is such a supportive community. It helped me quell my impulsivity until I could sort through some of this stuff.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I'm doing better, still not great, but hanging in there. I reached out to my therapist and he was able to help me navigate some of the difficult feelings. I ended up texing parents an apology and they were really supportive.
I also texted my roommates and expressed my feelings to them. I havent really gotten a response yet. I think they will be angry at me, but I'm trying out this new thing: expressing my feelings in a "healthy" manner.
Its sort of new to me to feel my emotions but not act impulsively on them.
Thank you guys for being so supportive. SS is such a supportive community. It helped me quell my impulsivity until I could sort through some of this stuff.

I'm glad you're feeling better and more calm. Seems like your therapist is competent and a good person too.
You're welcome my friend, life is harsh but you'll get through it. Let us know how it evolves.

 

[ghostspace]

I am toxic. I cause nothing but pain onto others because I am in pain. I just finished yelling at my parents for the ten millionth time, even though all they do is show me love. I need to disappear. I need to stop hurting everyone who comes into contact with me.
Also, no one gives a shit about me. I cant even get an ounce of respect from my roommates to be effing quiet when im sleeping. I dont even go to sleep that early. They just dont give a jack about anyone but themselves.

I have felt this way most of my life as well. I have been incredibly hurtful and toxic to people because everything I felt was so extreme and I didn't know any other way to show them how I was feeling.

Your parents give a shit. You can tell through their actions, they still love you, they're expressing that they love you. Yelling at people isn't necessarily toxic behavior, it can be that you're feeling an emotion really intensely and are desperate to be heard and understood.

Pain has a way of twisting people, and when someone is suffering and in emotional turmoil, they're not themselves. And you recognize things that you've done that maybe weren't the best. Everyone has toxic/negative behaviors and recognizing that you don't want to be like that, that you'd rather CTB than hurt people- that says a lot about your character and devotion to treating others with kindness. It's hard when we're stuck in pain and aren't the best representation of our true selves, but people around you (other than your shit roommates) seem to know that. They love you.

Maybe you have done toxic things, but YOU aren't toxic. YOU aren't bad. Your emotions are valid, even if the ways you're coping aren't healthy, (and I feel like most people on here can relate to unhealthy coping behaviors), and things like that can change.

Tell your parents how grateful you are to them for sticking by you, when you're in the right mindset and have the chance. Saying thank you is a much more positive feeling than over-apologizing or avoiding due to guilt.

I love you, and I genuinely mean that. You deserve more than you think you do.