I am self-centered and this is a problem

[unperson]

So to start off let's get some things outta the way. I'm specifically choosing this term as opposed to related words—or synonyms that are often associated with self-centeredness. The next closest word would probably be selfishness, but my issue seems more specific than that.

Self-Centered: preoccupied with oneself and one's affairs
Selfish: lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

(of course there are many definition sources that will have their own take but these should suffice)

There are also various words associated with these words such as egoistic/egotistical/egocentric, arrogant, prideful, narcissism, self-absorbed, etc. A lot of these have meanings that are very different from the issue I'm talking about and if you want to know more about that then go ahead and do some definition seeking of your own; anyway let's get to it.

So based on the concept of having a preoccupation with oneself, it's not necessarily something negative or positive and it doesn't invariably follow that there is an issue of either arrogance or grandiosity, nor does it follow that there is an issue of self-hatred/deprecation, etc. It's hypothetically possible to be extraordinarily self-centered while simultaneously being ethical, humble, fair, accepting(of self and others), though it would seem quite the rare anomaly wouldn't it? A lot of self-centeredness in various individuals can be characterized by additional features, for example; a kind of inversion of typical narcissistic traits. i.e. instead of grandiosity, there's deprecation, instead of superiority conceit there's an inferiority complex, instead of pride there's an excess of shame, instead of entitlement one prefers to neglect themselves and their needs even when it's indirectly harmful to others such as caring friends and family, instead of lacking empathy one is ridden with an excessive amount of guilt and remorse that—assuming this guilty remorsefulness even makes sense—is typically wildly disproportionate to reality. As for examples of self-preoccupation void of such morally- & socially hierarchical-implicating traits, there are personality deviations such as what you'll find with Autism, or Schizoid Personality, or perhaps an otherwise relatively average and mentally healthy hermit-type; however these types probably shouldn't be unequivocally assumed to be preoccupied with themselves, as they could certainly have some sort of muse that is the typical locus of attention.

You could argue that a high level of self-centeredness is necessary for certain types of figures, guru-sage-types (certainly good to be wary of those haha), philosophers or psychologists who pioneer their way to new advancements with the support of introspection and self-insight (Freud was a weird fuckin dude though wasn't he!)...

It's a Problem…

Or is something else the problem and this is simply a concurrence along with the real problem? Or perhaps a small part of the problem..? Well, idk. Essentially I don't like to act selfish and when I do it's hard to cope without just withdrawing from socializing. I try not to dwell in self-hate though because that doesn't solve anything and seems to continue a cycle of finding someone to be angry at which sometimes will be others and sometimes myself. Self-pity can feel strangely addictingly pleasurable when shit really hits the fan, but too much too often is essentially just an emotional-heroin addiction.

The issue here is that there's a very narrow field of interests at any given time that my asshole brain will pay much attention to, and although I can be very interested in getting to know other people, it depends on the context and often might not be casual conversation oriented. Also there's a lot of anxiety around really getting to know people which further exacerbates things. And an easy solution is talking about myself or my own experiences because I can control precisely what to talk about without feeling like it's an invasion of the other person's personal life, and perhaps if they relate to something they might open up; but also even though I'm usually shamefully self-conscious about coming across as self-centered, it is true that some people can find me interesting and that I can gauge people's reaction in order to balance out the amount of self-sharing. This is nonetheless a very energy-taxing introverted way of handling conversations, I mean, fuck. Also…

Sometimes People Like Me *runs away crying
…
Also Sometimes People Dislike Me *grumpy hurt self-esteem noises

Can everyone just be an emotionless robot, except for when I'm not being deeply insecure, but the rest of the time be androids please. Obviously that's not how life works.

Writing About This is Taking Too Long

Fuck, guess I'll have to call it Part 1, and perhaps part 2 will happen or maybe it won't who knows. Kinda tired. On a final note, I'm trying to accept this issue but it's hard. I don't want to be self-centered. I want to be interested in other people more, but typical conversations are hard for me to get into, and idk what to do. I am very fortunate to have learned how to mindfully avoid &/or escape the traps of superiority/inferiority-complexes and whatnot, but it's still very lonely to be so isolated and with a mind that just will not stop thinking all the time, not to mention without much of a life it's hard to relate to people's work and school and relationship related stuff going on for them. And also I want to be able to do something useful, something helpful for other people, it's just hard because it feels like energy is so limited and gets burned up in this little hamster wheel of emotions and thoughts, leaving very little for a more mindful social interaction. And if it's not done mindfully then I'm likely to either be self-absorbed, or worse; trying to pry into strangers personal business without even realising that I'm completely oblivious to the concept of personal boundaries, although this is something that lacked childhood development and that's certainly amendable through therapy, but anyway, that's enough rambling for now. Hopefully someone will find some of this helpful or inspirational...

 

[timf]

To a certain degree we are all self-centered because we have to live our own lives. There can be circumstances that cause people to be exceptionally self-centered. Aspergers has been compared to narcissism in the regard.

Aspergers has a narrowness of focus that often is accomplished at the expense of peripheral attention. An Asperger person can consider his own self-centeredness if his attention is directed towards it.

A narcissist is unable to consider that he might be one. As a result, what happens to others even as a result of his own actions, the narcissist would not be concerned.

In Christianity love is defined as selflessness (1Cor 13:4-7). This is such an unusual condition that it was supposed to be a hallmark characteristic of Christians. (This shows how far the contemporary practice of Christianity has deviated from its origins).

In practice we show selflessness in loving relationships such as with family. However, sometimes not even then. We might show kindness and civility in public places with strangers, but usually not so much as to be significantly inconvenient.

However, it can be prudent to be guarded when demands are placed on us by others as many wish to place us at a disadvantage to further their own interests.

In the natural world marriage and children place such demands on one that there is little time for excessive self-centeredness. In the absence of these traditional limiting factors, one can grow to unhealthy levels of self focus such as seen with the Roman Emperors, and aristocracies throughout history.