Venting I am really lost and would appreciate any help (serious)

[IwanttodieASAP]

First off, I am a new member, so I apologize right off the bat if I am doing anything wrong or whatever. Do not want to annoy anyone. I apologize in advance if I am.

I feel beyond lost and I hate everything so much. Whenever I tell my story, people get all wrapped up in that instead of how I feel and it becomes just a whole bunch of questions about "what ifs" or whatever. I lost the person I love most, my girlfriend. Yes, yes, yes, I know I am not the first person to be heart broken. I am not anything special and as much as I feel what her and I had was divine and unique, I am sure everyone who has ever been in love has felt the same way before, more or less. We had everything together. We loved being around each other every single second. We had the best falling in love story, it too like 5 years for it to work out in our favor and the second it did, my life was never the same. I was a normal guy before I met her, it was not like I was unhappy, but she made me the happiest person in the world. She was an amazing addition to my life that I knew then and now that I do not want to live without. She changed my world, and who I was as a person for the better for the most part. Long story short, I was an idiot and after two years of dating and finding a place to live together for 6 months and having a dog that we called our son because we loved dreaming about having a family, I messed it all up. It is too long to explain and it does not matter now, but I messed up in thinking I wanted to pursue a career path that she did not want me to over her.
She left me, and everything in my life is falling apart. I realized very quickly that I made the worst decision of my life and I fought like hell to get her back. I was still an idiot though and thought I was entitled to more then I was and she choose not to come back. THERE IS NO WAY SHE IS COMING BACK NOW. NONE.

I promised her I would be with her for life and even though she left me, I do not want to break it Yes, I know every couple makes those type of promises but when I made it, I was not saying it just to say it. I thought about the bad things that could happen, and I promised because I knew that no matter what happened, I wanted to spend my life with her. Simply, I do not want to live anymore. There is nothing else for me here. I wanted to spend my life with her and now that I cannot, I want to leave. I had a very very blessed life, one that I did not deserve, but I am content at leaving it where it is. I am obsessed with the idea of not wanting to be alive anymore. I have thought this out a million different ways. I know if I stayed, I would be happy again. Honestly, I probably would find something or someone to make me even happier, that is how time works especially when you are young, but I do not want to be happy without her, I do not want to be happy knowing I am happy because that is what time does to you. I do not want to see and know she is happy or happier without me and now with someone else.

sure, this is how life goes. I get that. But I simply do not to be part of this anymore. heck,, I wrote and published a 109 book on how I feel about life.

I want to die but I cannot seem to find a way to go. I have read lots of stuff on here but nothing seems to be up my lane. I cannot seem to get SN, I have no idea how you guys find that and N so easy to get. I bought materials for the night night method that are arriving tomorrow but knowing me I will somehow fail. I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE, ESPECIALLY FOR THE HOLIDAYS. I need to die and I hope I stop putting it off.

 

[CrazyMary]

Maybe try to talk with a psychiatrist and give it a couple of months to see how u feel? Meds can help numb thta pain while you get better little by little. I have felt like thta before several times some from partners and from other reasons, time heals it all a su said but right now maybe talk to a pro?

 

[SectOfValtiel]

I cant really say anything that I think would help, we're in very similar positions, I just havent really taken initiative like you
The pain of losing someone is almost indescribable so of course I dont think anyone can blame you
But I do agree with the post above
It might be worth it to see a counselor or something, try medication, anything, and maybe that feeling can lessen

And keep in mind I say that as someone who *has* tried therapy, meds, all sorts of things
Nothing really worked for me
Despite being on this forum I hate the idea of people having to CTB just to escape from that pain
I wish we all could find some way to happiness, I just know that for myself and a lot of the people here, thats probably not a possibility

For your sake, I hope it is
And I hope this is something you can heal from even if you dont really want to- you deserve to feel that happy again with or without them

If not, I hope you find your peace, I really do

 

[IwanttodieASAP]

I cant really say anything that I think would help, we're in very similar positions, I just havent really taken initiative like you
The pain of losing someone is almost indescribable so of course I dont think anyone can blame you
But I do agree with the post above
It might be worth it to see a counselor or something, try medication, anything, and maybe that feeling can lessen

And keep in mind I say that as someone who *has* tried therapy, meds, all sorts of things
Nothing really worked for me
Despite being on this forum I hate the idea of people having to CTB just to escape from that pain
I wish we all could find some way to happiness, I just know that for myself and a lot of the people here, thats probably not a possibility

For your sake, I hope it is
And I hope this is something you can heal from even if you dont really want to- you deserve to feel that happy again with or without them

If not, I hope you find your peace, I really do

Thank you. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 months now and I was hospitalized for 10 days in a mental ward because I literally went insane after I realized she was not coming back. I tried to ctb and ended up flipping my car drunk and overdosed. Fired my gun and it didnt hit me
I really hope I succeed when the supplies come but I hear a lot of mixed reviews. All I think about all day and night (I cannot sleep), is about her and how much I do not want anything more without her.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

Thank you. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 months now and I was hospitalized for 10 days in a mental ward because I literally went insane after I realized she was not coming back. I tried to ctb and ended up flipping my car drunk and overdosed. Fired my gun and it didnt hit me
I really hope I succeed when the supplies come but I hear a lot of mixed reviews. All I think about all day and night (I cannot sleep), is about her and how much I do not want anything more without her.

Im sorry, I guess that makes most of what I said kinda useless, but
The rest still stands
You dont deserve to be in this much pain and I hope you can find a way to alleviate it

 

[IwanttodieASAP]

Im sorry, I guess that makes most of what I said kinda useless, but
The rest still stands
You dont deserve to be in this much pain and I hope you can find a way to alleviate it

thank you. What I would do to go back and change everything. All I want to do is hold her again on our couch and watch a movie. nothing crazy. just be content with her again. I love her so much

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me I don't think that SN, and especially N are easy to get. It seems to be very difficult to get N, and I read about someone in my country receiving a wellness check after ordering it. Suicide really isn't straightforward in a world like this even know I wish that it is, more than anything. Night Night sounds unreliable from what I've read, but I guess that if others have succeeded with this method then it's always an option, but it sounds risky as well. The difficulty of suicide is why I've never properly attempted but all that anyone can do if they wish to ctb is do their own research into methods.
But I do hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for. It must be painful and hard to deal with being in that situation, I wish you the best.

 

[makethepainstop]

Been there in 1978, had the perfect boyfriend. Wavy blond hair blue eyes natural muscles, and aggressive enough when I wanted to play rough. Long story short Mike gone. Had I the means to do so I would have CTB back then. Fast forward to three years ago met Craig,.....so sometimes the love you thought was perfect, isn't and the one that comes to you later is perfect. I know how you feel about losing her, it's like half of you died when she left. But if you leave now, how do you know Ms perfect isn't waiting to make your acquaintance next month, year, or week? If it couldn't work, it couldn't work, there is someone else out there for you. But you need time for your wounds to heal. Please don't waste a good hunk of beef, because your hurting now. Please!

 

[Nirrend]

First off, I am a new member, so I apologize right off the bat if I am doing anything wrong or whatever. Do not want to annoy anyone. I apologize in advance if I am.

I feel beyond lost and I hate everything so much. Whenever I tell my story, people get all wrapped up in that instead of how I feel and it becomes just a whole bunch of questions about "what ifs" or whatever. I lost the person I love most, my girlfriend. Yes, yes, yes, I know I am not the first person to be heart broken. I am not anything special and as much as I feel what her and I had was divine and unique, I am sure everyone who has ever been in love has felt the same way before, more or less. We had everything together. We loved being around each other every single second. We had the best falling in love story, it too like 5 years for it to work out in our favor and the second it did, my life was never the same. I was a normal guy before I met her, it was not like I was unhappy, but she made me the happiest person in the world. She was an amazing addition to my life that I knew then and now that I do not want to live without. She changed my world, and who I was as a person for the better for the most part. Long story short, I was an idiot and after two years of dating and finding a place to live together for 6 months and having a dog that we called our son because we loved dreaming about having a family, I messed it all up. It is too long to explain and it does not matter now, but I messed up in thinking I wanted to pursue a career path that she did not want me to over her.
She left me, and everything in my life is falling apart. I realized very quickly that I made the worst decision of my life and I fought like hell to get her back. I was still an idiot though and thought I was entitled to more then I was and she choose not to come back. THERE IS NO WAY SHE IS COMING BACK NOW. NONE.

I promised her I would be with her for life and even though she left me, I do not want to break it Yes, I know every couple makes those type of promises but when I made it, I was not saying it just to say it. I thought about the bad things that could happen, and I promised because I knew that no matter what happened, I wanted to spend my life with her. Simply, I do not want to live anymore. There is nothing else for me here. I wanted to spend my life with her and now that I cannot, I want to leave. I had a very very blessed life, one that I did not deserve, but I am content at leaving it where it is. I am obsessed with the idea of not wanting to be alive anymore. I have thought this out a million different ways. I know if I stayed, I would be happy again. Honestly, I probably would find something or someone to make me even happier, that is how time works especially when you are young, but I do not want to be happy without her, I do not want to be happy knowing I am happy because that is what time does to you. I do not want to see and know she is happy or happier without me and now with someone else.

sure, this is how life goes. I get that. But I simply do not to be part of this anymore. heck,, I wrote and published a 109 book on how I feel about life.

I want to die but I cannot seem to find a way to go. I have read lots of stuff on here but nothing seems to be up my lane. I cannot seem to get SN, I have no idea how you guys find that and N so easy to get. I bought materials for the night night method that are arriving tomorrow but knowing me I will somehow fail. I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE, ESPECIALLY FOR THE HOLIDAYS. I need to die and I hope I stop putting it off.

Hi sweet @IwanttodieASAP

I read your story and I understand how you feel and I imagine that from what you describe, that your relationship was more than fusional to the point that the other was you.

I don't know anything about your life or her life but I wonder if before this relationship you were someone who was shy, lonely or didn't have much opportunity to have relationships or at least to find the right one for you.

I have the feeling from reading you that this break-up has awakened deep wounds in you related to abandonment, unlove, rejection, loneliness.

I understand your pain and how lost you feel, fusional relationships are both wonderful but they are also treacherous because they create dependency to the point that both in the couple forget life to devote themselves to their fusion.

Unfortunately I can't work miracles, I don't know if her decision to break up is definitive or if she has been hurt by something. If she has been hurt, it may be that by looking into what is affecting her, she can open her heart to you.

Then, if I follow a more pessimistic but fatalistic perspective, the thing that remains for you today is to accept and let go of your ex-girlfriend (physically as well as symbolically, within you).

I know it's extremely hard, I know it hurts and it makes you want to scream.

Healing from a break up as big as this one can take a very long time as sometimes you can't heal from it if despite the help and support you give the person, their head and heart say "it's impossible, I could never do without it even after so many months/years"...

Your suffering is legitimate and I am truly sorry for it... For now, try to let time do its work and if it helps, talk about it regularly, even here, we will listen to you ❤

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best, because right now your heart is hurting

Finally, know that in your place many people would have thought about suicide, so even if times are difficult, don't be too hard on yourself

Things will get better, I hope and believe ❤

Take care of yourself ❤

Love ❤

 

[A simple aid]

Thank you. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 months now and I was hospitalized for 10 days in a mental ward because I literally went insane after I realized she was not coming back. I tried to ctb and ended up flipping my car drunk and overdosed. Fired my gun and it didnt hit me
I really hope I succeed when the supplies come but I hear a lot of mixed reviews. All I think about all day and night (I cannot sleep), is about her and how much I do not want anything more without her.

oh and bro i hate to break it to you but the idea you guys were "in love"....is non existent...ur state ryt now is proof...she doesnt care about you nearly as much as you obsess over her...but dude if your still alive after your many attempts...youll be fine

 

[Venus13]

Heartbreak drives many people to insanity. It's not a minor thing to experience. Anyone dismissive of it as just another break up aren't understanding the depths it can take people.

What's throwing gasoline on this fire is probably that you think 1 ill fated decision on your side collapsed the perfect situation. I don't typically believe that. Relationships are a complex dynamic. Think of how complex and mostly unconscious a single psyche is at work, then multiply it by two and put it under heated desires and the highest range of human emotions possible. That's a romantic dynamic. It's hardly ever 1 thing on one side that causes a split. Try to release yourself at least a bit on the current status to let yourself catch your breathe for a moment. You deserve some deep breathes, you're drowning in this. It's very real.

I think having an exit plan can be a necessary relief tool. I would say try to get through one holiday season and let that burn through before making the decision. Once that spring hits reevaluate. The reason I say that is because time is a good friend to the heartbroken. Not always, it depends on the processing. I find heartbreak needs a few things, time and a chance to process what happened and what now. That's the hard part. Right now you're in the scariest part of the could've, should've, would've and the what ifs. That's the least stabilizing and most maddening time in the situation. Because I'm human and I've been there and I know this agony, I do wish you well with time and healing. If suicide is the end I can understand. Heartbreak can feel like your soul has been torn out, it's heavy. With that said, I hope you get a chance to see what could be from here. I know it's hard.

You have to talk. Talk and venting is necessary. Maybe try a therapist or two and have multiple shattering cry sessions, and maybe some great talks with friends or family if you have that one person to be there. I'm glad you have the chance here to just let it out.

 

[A simple aid]

oh and bro i hate to break it to you but the idea you guys were "in love"....is non existent...ur state ryt now is proof...she doesnt care about you nearly as much as you obsess over her...but dude if your still alive after your many attempts...youll be fine

real nice stuff man....not the usual stuff you see on the site...but refreshing all the same....mmm well at least unlike most you have a brighter path out of the void so dude...if your ever down enough....u know what im sure youll figure out what to do....its not time healing wounds...its ur brain forgets...and emotional intensity declines...so your bound to be free...its more your choice on whether or not to shackle ur mind....but its cool man...the people here usually have some crazy illness or sickness or some mad abuse....so cool man cool

 

[IwanttodieASAP]

I know if I stay around I will be happy again, that is the problem. I simply do not want to be. I want to be with her because that is something that I know I actually want. When I would be happy again or find someone new, it would be because time forced me to move on and numb the pain. I do not want that. I do not want to just be pushed around and do whatever time dictates. Yes, I know if you are alive, you have to abide by the rules that life sets in place, but I would rather not be alive and be true to what I promised her and content with what I had rather then become a slave to time or just go along with everything just because

 

[releasespieces]

How were you feeling prior to meeting her?

 

[IwanttodieASAP]

How were you feeling prior to meeting her?

pretty normal honestly. It is not like I have attachment or dependency issues. I had a pretty good life. I was living in El Salvador as a missionary and we started to talk on social media because we grew up together. I eventually came home and we started to date. I use to say living in El Salvador was the best time of my life and that is why we broke up, because I wanted it to be part of our life and she didnt. But now I see so fucking clearly that I wanted and needed her a million times more and I was an idiot to give her up.