Venting I am only 22.

[LifeAfterDeath00]

I imagined once when I get it, I would chug it down, but I refrained. I was so prepared, but when the time came I forgot every motivation I had, I couldn't recall any of it. I don't see myself growing old, but somehow I still manage to have these visions about my future, a future I will never have. I don't know how to just chug the elixir down my throat, so that I can end it once and for all. I am not seeking validation, or approval. I feel like when I leave, I will become nothing. And it haunts me, all these years I had to fight with my thoughts, and now they are taunting me even more.
I always felt like I was born in the wrong body, wrong geographical location, wrong gender. It is a curse to be a woman. It is. At least when you hate it that your entire( or most of your) worth depends on sex appeal. And you ever get taken seriously, but even I proved myself wrong when I got N. I simultaneously felt like the luckiest person alive, and at the same time the most unfortunate one. I wonder why I had to be born with such a different personality, one which I had to feed, yet I could never satisfy the hunger, because I barely knew what it craved.
I want to say goodbye, because the rational part is silent when it counts, and I am tired of wasting my life being irrational, and hurting me in the process. It is true, a lot of people have a good life even when they are born in unfortunate circumstances, but I made it my responsibility to make sure I never build up the courage to fight. I will be honest for the most part I lived a good life thanks to my parents, but I keep betraying myself. I think I hate myself on a subconscious level, to an extent I made it my job to make myself feel miserable, to never try to make my circumstance better, to never accomplish anything.

If I don't kill myself by 31 March, please delete my profile. Thanks to everyone who have helped me to get here.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Hey there, I just wanted to let you know... you're not alone. I'm 21, I've always had those visions about my future as well but as the days pass, I begin to realize at times that it's far from my reach. I may not even be able to have that future I've always wanted, I guess I wasn't lucky. I'm sorry you weren't able to drink N, maybe it's the survival instinct? I'm planning to buy N when I've decided to go through with CTB, I'm still having second thoughts about it. I know that when I die, I will become nothing, all of us will be. I've also felt that I was born in the wrong body, I'm so ugly that I can't stand it. I've never felt pretty even though people are always telling me that I am, whilst there were others who were saying that I'm ugly. I was also born in the wrong location, I was thinking about it earlier today... what could've been and I was about to cry, but I refrained because I wasn't alone in that moment. Everything could've changed if I was born in the place I feel like I should've grew up in, all my life. It makes me so sad and terrified. I agree that it's a curse to be a woman, I hate being one for many reasons. I won't say men have it better but there have been many times in my life where I wished I was a guy. I understand, I'm betraying the girl I was by staying alive... I need to end it, I do. I feel nothing but extreme hatred towards myself, it's all my fault and I will never think otherwise. I hope you are able to go through with CTB so you can be happy. Sending you hugs.

 

[Antibody246]

congratulations, you have made it to 22 on this diseased insane asylum world

 

[LifeAfterDeath00]

Hey there, I just wanted to let you know... you're not alone. I'm 21, I've always had those visions about my future as well but as the days pass, I begin to realize at times that it's far from my reach. I may not even be able to have that future I've always wanted, I guess I wasn't lucky. I'm sorry you weren't able to drink N, maybe it's the survival instinct? I'm planning to buy N when I've decided to go through with CTB, I'm still having second thoughts about it. I know that when I die, I will become nothing, all of us will be. I've also felt that I was born in the wrong body, I'm so ugly that I can't stand it. I've never felt pretty even though people are always telling me that I am, whilst there were others who were saying that I'm ugly. I was also born in the wrong location, I was thinking about it earlier today... what could've been and I was about to cry, but I refrained because I wasn't alone in that moment. Everything could've changed if I was born in the place I feel like I should've grew up in, all my life. It makes me so sad and terrified. I agree that it's a curse to be a woman, I hate being one for many reasons. I won't say men have it better but there have been many times in my life where I wished I was a guy. I understand, I'm betraying the girl I was by staying alive... I need to end it, I do. I feel nothing but extreme hatred towards myself, it's all my fault and I will never think otherwise. I hope you are able to go through with CTB so you can be happy. Sending you hugs.

A lot of what you say resonates with me. I wish things were better for the both of us. And yes it is not about who has it better, it's just that when you are born a certain way, you need a lot of courage and mental strength, will power to survive. Are you Muslim by any chance? I am unfortunately, you might know how much suicide is scrutinized in our religion, yet I kept praying to a God who never listened, yet I will be punished after death, yeah sounds legit.

 

[sadgirl2002]

A lot of what you say resonates with me. I wish things were better for the both of us. And yes it is not about who has it better, it's just that when you are born a certain way, you need a lot of courage and mental strength, will power to survive. Are you Muslim by any chance? I am unfortunately, you might know how much suicide is scrutinized in our religion, yet I kept praying to a God who never listened, yet I will be punished after death, yeah sounds legit.

I wish things were better for us too, I feel like we could've had wonderful lives but the world has really pushed me to the edge. You're right, unfortunately I don't have the courage, mental strength or willpower and even if I did, it's pointless. I simply exist and nothing more, I don't know how to truly "live". I was miserable throughout my whole life, why should I live in a disgusting world with people I hate and work for things I don't even care about? I used to be Muslim... that's the sad thing for me. I became Muslim at 13 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me but sadly, my life got worse three years ago and it pushed me to stop believing in God. I just couldn't believe anymore, not after everything I've been through. I know how much suicide is criticised in the religion, I've heard all of the cliches that people say when you're suicidal and depressed and honestly, it's not enough anymore. I feel the same way, I prayed to a God who never listened, doesn't exist or maybe he existed but chose to not give me the things I wanted so badly. I suffered even more after becoming Muslim and now, I've lost everything. To think, I sacrificed a lot for "God" and the religion and this is what I get. It makes me cry so much. Please know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here. We're in a similar situation and we have a bit in common. I agree with you, it's so silly that we will go to Hell if we commit suicide. We're already being punished on this Earth, it's like we have to simply endure the suffering until we die so we don't go to "Hell" which may or may not exist. Also, what if someone doesn't go through with it and lives a good life by refraining from sin with all efforts and that person ends up in Hell anyway? No thanks, I don't think Hell exists but if it does, I know I'll end up in there.

 

[LifeAfterDeath00]

I wish things were better for us too, I feel like we could've had wonderful lives but the world has really pushed me to the edge. You're right, unfortunately I don't have the courage, mental strength or willpower and even if I did, it's pointless. I simply exist and nothing more, I don't know how to truly "live". I was miserable throughout my whole life, why should I live in a disgusting world with people I hate and work for things I don't even care about? I used to be Muslim... that's the sad thing for me. I became Muslim at 13 and it was the best thing that ever happened to me but sadly, my life got worse three years ago and it pushed me to stop believing in God. I just couldn't believe anymore, not after everything I've been through. I know how much suicide is criticised in the religion, I've heard all of the cliches that people say when you're suicidal and depressed and honestly, it's not enough anymore. I feel the same way, I prayed to a God who never listened, doesn't exist or maybe he existed but chose to not give me the things I wanted so badly. I suffered even more after becoming Muslim and now, I've lost everything. To think, I sacrificed a lot for "God" and the religion and this is what I get. It makes me cry so much. Please know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here. We're in a similar situation and we have a bit in common. I agree with you, it's so silly that we will go to Hell if we commit suicide. We're already being punished on this Earth, it's like we have to simply endure the suffering until we die so we don't go to "Hell" which may or may not exist. Also, what if someone doesn't go through with it and lives a good life and he ends up in there anyway? No thanks, I don't think Hell exists but if it does, I know I'll end up in there.

I will pray heaven for you. I know how you feel, and how hard it is to actually make people believe you. If it matters to you, I truly know how you feel, and I know it isn't your fault.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I will pray heaven for you. I know how you feel, and how hard it is to actually make people believe you. If it matters to you, I truly know how you feel, and I know it isn't your fault.

You are so kind, this brings tears to my eyes. If there is a Paradise after this life, I hope you are granted that. I truly don't deserve to be in heaven and I know it's all my fault but thank you so much for saying that. It's so difficult, I miss my old life a lot but it's slipped away from my hands. Thank you my dear, it matters a lot, I can't talk about those kind of things with anyone. Please know that you deserve love, happiness and peace for eternity. I'm here if you need me.