My mom abused the shit out of me as a child. My dad and grandparents looked away. The people who will get hit the hardest by my suicide will be my parents and my grandma. Maybe they won't survive it.
If I had the opportunity to disappear without them knowing it I would go for that. I don't think suicide is something you should commit lightly. But I am simply not able to cope much longer. I tried over 30 different medication. I am doing my fourth psychotherapy. My financials will be a mess. I am completely dependent on my parents. My love life is a very sick and cynical joke.
I am preparing for my death since April. I wrote my friends long cards to their birthdays. I stopped blaming my family for the abuse I had to endure.
I have a really guilty conscience looking at my parents when I know what I will do to them. But honestly, they will live for 20 years. And I am not able to live that long.
It was not mild abuse. It was very severe abuse. I don't want them to feel bad. I am beyond that. There was a time I wanted to let them feel my pain. But now.
It is a consideration. I am going through excruciating mental pain every single day. I am sick I am so sick of it. I don't think suicide is a good option. If I had somewhat good alternative I would go for that. But I am just beyond my limit. SaSu gave me a lot of resources to cope. I think I would not have survive that long without it.
My therapist gave me up 2019 when I was honest towards her. I still fighted. I fighted like an idiot because so many people told me it is worth it. Life will pay me back. I went through so much the last years. But no matter the choice I took I think there was literally none that could have saved me. I am driving me nuts which decisions could be the right ones. I tormend me when i am doing a mistake. But the game was rigged against me from the start. There is no happy end for everyone. Some people are not meant to have an happy end. People who love life say without failing in life life would not be special anymore. Happiness can only exist because there is sadness and failures. There is some truth in it. I feel glad for my friends that they can live and enjoy their lives. But for me for the past decade life was a never ending nightmare. I cope throughout the years only by fanatasizing about my suicide almost every single day. And this April I broke. I was really acute suicidal with a plan. I ordered SN. In October I almost took it. But my friends called the police. I am not mad at them they genuinely wanted to help me.
I am so full of it. I don't want to do something impulsive. But if there are no major changes in the next months I will kill myself in April. It will be extremely hard to hide it in front of my friends. They mean the world to me: They genuinely do. I don't think they will be better without me. Quite the opposite. It might traumatize them. All these words. They don't mean much. I am hanging by a thread how convolk would say and maybe in some months by my neck. Metaphorically. I will use SN. I don't think nihlism is the right thing. There are good side of life. But I simply cannot have them. I have 27 years behind me and it scares me how much cynical torment I had to face. I met many people on here who share similar fates like me. Deeply unhappy people over years and years with no imrprovement in sight. This is simply how life is for some poor individuals. You can either accept or reject it. You can fight, you can win and you can lose. I am not sure whether I am a strong or weak person. When I was acute suicidal in October I felt neither particularly strong or weak. SI was difficult but I was somewhat manic and on benzos. I am not sure what I would have done if the police did not come. I am not sure what I want to reach with these posts. Maybe I want something off my chess. Maybe I want that someone saves me. (I doubt it. Especially because randoms on the internet usually only can provide you with some warm words which do mean nothing in everyday living hell.)
I don't know. I think of the people I met here who ctb. Some people stay inside my mind and I feel a connection to them. I stan David Foster Wallace only so hard because he is so relatable. But he also wanted to avoid suicide as an outcome. I don't have the feeling I actually still live. All that I am doing is playing a charade. I told this to my therapist this day. I think she will leave me soon. If she rejects my outcry for help I see this as a sign of the universe yes it actually is hopeless. And rationally when I debate my issues. Yes I am beyond help. I know that. But I could not accept it thus far. I have endures unspeakable in college. I ran against the wall with all I had to break through it. But I all I godt is a bloody nose. My health deteriorated in an insane way. One love delusion after another. Life spit me in my face countless times. I don't feel human anymore. Everyone has a limit. I am only a human you cannot expect me to take all of this without getting broken. I stomached so much pain. All for nothing. I am not sure whether I would all do the same again. I think there was no road to victory. All I get is more and more desperate. More and more opportunities vanish. Small little glimpse of hope turn out to be deceiving. I have been through so much.
And I am so sorry for all the people who will be affected by my suicide. Especially, my friends don't deserve it. But I played the cards I have been dealth with the best I could. I lost it. We can debate over and over what went wrong. But it won't change that this poor man can't hold it much longer. I wish this simply was over. When I looked death into its eyes I was scared. My mouth was already at the glass full of SN. I was really heartbroken that it had to happen but I could not change it. There was also a massive relief. The simple thought of no more thinking was so relieving. I am longing for peace. And this is something I cannot achieve in this world. My soul will be forever tormented. I was in this clinic was acute suicidal people and a female patient committed suicide. She jumped in front of a train. I did some research and when she logged out of the clinic we had to write something in a note. And she said she will do a 3 hours walk in the nature. I don't know maybe it sounds really stupid and sort of pro-death which I genuinely don't want. I think one should try to avoid suicide as good as possible. But it simply failed for me. Maybe death is only a return to nature. At least I don't have to use such a cruel method as a train to achieve that. I was dead trillions of years before I lived. Death is part of the conditio humaine. We will all experiene it. Most people will fear it. Many people try to run away from it. I don't want to glorify death. And the process frightens and scares me. Especially if I fail. But of all my nightmarish options death seems the best for me. I cannot take this torture much longer. Life is incredibly painful for me. I won't die in my sleep. And psychogenic death won't happen either. It is what it is. I tried what I wanted to try. I ran out of fuel. Please have mercy with me.
I am thinking of the people in this forum. At least I wasn't all alone in this living hell. I cannot see me going much longer. I think it will be April. But I need determination so that it does not fail. Surviving it and witnessing the aftermath it would make it so so much worse. I
If I had the opportunity to disappear without them knowing it I would go for that. I don't think suicide is something you should commit lightly. But I am simply not able to cope much longer. I tried over 30 different medication. I am doing my fourth psychotherapy. My financials will be a mess. I am completely dependent on my parents. My love life is a very sick and cynical joke.
I am preparing for my death since April. I wrote my friends long cards to their birthdays. I stopped blaming my family for the abuse I had to endure.
I have a really guilty conscience looking at my parents when I know what I will do to them. But honestly, they will live for 20 years. And I am not able to live that long.
It was not mild abuse. It was very severe abuse. I don't want them to feel bad. I am beyond that. There was a time I wanted to let them feel my pain. But now.
It is a consideration. I am going through excruciating mental pain every single day. I am sick I am so sick of it. I don't think suicide is a good option. If I had somewhat good alternative I would go for that. But I am just beyond my limit. SaSu gave me a lot of resources to cope. I think I would not have survive that long without it.
My therapist gave me up 2019 when I was honest towards her. I still fighted. I fighted like an idiot because so many people told me it is worth it. Life will pay me back. I went through so much the last years. But no matter the choice I took I think there was literally none that could have saved me. I am driving me nuts which decisions could be the right ones. I tormend me when i am doing a mistake. But the game was rigged against me from the start. There is no happy end for everyone. Some people are not meant to have an happy end. People who love life say without failing in life life would not be special anymore. Happiness can only exist because there is sadness and failures. There is some truth in it. I feel glad for my friends that they can live and enjoy their lives. But for me for the past decade life was a never ending nightmare. I cope throughout the years only by fanatasizing about my suicide almost every single day. And this April I broke. I was really acute suicidal with a plan. I ordered SN. In October I almost took it. But my friends called the police. I am not mad at them they genuinely wanted to help me.
I am so full of it. I don't want to do something impulsive. But if there are no major changes in the next months I will kill myself in April. It will be extremely hard to hide it in front of my friends. They mean the world to me: They genuinely do. I don't think they will be better without me. Quite the opposite. It might traumatize them. All these words. They don't mean much. I am hanging by a thread how convolk would say and maybe in some months by my neck. Metaphorically. I will use SN. I don't think nihlism is the right thing. There are good side of life. But I simply cannot have them. I have 27 years behind me and it scares me how much cynical torment I had to face. I met many people on here who share similar fates like me. Deeply unhappy people over years and years with no imrprovement in sight. This is simply how life is for some poor individuals. You can either accept or reject it. You can fight, you can win and you can lose. I am not sure whether I am a strong or weak person. When I was acute suicidal in October I felt neither particularly strong or weak. SI was difficult but I was somewhat manic and on benzos. I am not sure what I would have done if the police did not come. I am not sure what I want to reach with these posts. Maybe I want something off my chess. Maybe I want that someone saves me. (I doubt it. Especially because randoms on the internet usually only can provide you with some warm words which do mean nothing in everyday living hell.)
I don't know. I think of the people I met here who ctb. Some people stay inside my mind and I feel a connection to them. I stan David Foster Wallace only so hard because he is so relatable. But he also wanted to avoid suicide as an outcome. I don't have the feeling I actually still live. All that I am doing is playing a charade. I told this to my therapist this day. I think she will leave me soon. If she rejects my outcry for help I see this as a sign of the universe yes it actually is hopeless. And rationally when I debate my issues. Yes I am beyond help. I know that. But I could not accept it thus far. I have endures unspeakable in college. I ran against the wall with all I had to break through it. But I all I godt is a bloody nose. My health deteriorated in an insane way. One love delusion after another. Life spit me in my face countless times. I don't feel human anymore. Everyone has a limit. I am only a human you cannot expect me to take all of this without getting broken. I stomached so much pain. All for nothing. I am not sure whether I would all do the same again. I think there was no road to victory. All I get is more and more desperate. More and more opportunities vanish. Small little glimpse of hope turn out to be deceiving. I have been through so much.
And I am so sorry for all the people who will be affected by my suicide. Especially, my friends don't deserve it. But I played the cards I have been dealth with the best I could. I lost it. We can debate over and over what went wrong. But it won't change that this poor man can't hold it much longer. I wish this simply was over. When I looked death into its eyes I was scared. My mouth was already at the glass full of SN. I was really heartbroken that it had to happen but I could not change it. There was also a massive relief. The simple thought of no more thinking was so relieving. I am longing for peace. And this is something I cannot achieve in this world. My soul will be forever tormented. I was in this clinic was acute suicidal people and a female patient committed suicide. She jumped in front of a train. I did some research and when she logged out of the clinic we had to write something in a note. And she said she will do a 3 hours walk in the nature. I don't know maybe it sounds really stupid and sort of pro-death which I genuinely don't want. I think one should try to avoid suicide as good as possible. But it simply failed for me. Maybe death is only a return to nature. At least I don't have to use such a cruel method as a train to achieve that. I was dead trillions of years before I lived. Death is part of the conditio humaine. We will all experiene it. Most people will fear it. Many people try to run away from it. I don't want to glorify death. And the process frightens and scares me. Especially if I fail. But of all my nightmarish options death seems the best for me. I cannot take this torture much longer. Life is incredibly painful for me. I won't die in my sleep. And psychogenic death won't happen either. It is what it is. I tried what I wanted to try. I ran out of fuel. Please have mercy with me.
I am thinking of the people in this forum. At least I wasn't all alone in this living hell. I cannot see me going much longer. I think it will be April. But I need determination so that it does not fail. Surviving it and witnessing the aftermath it would make it so so much worse. I
