It's almost 4am. The meds I took and all plus alcohol barly scratched the service. Like I started to kinda fall asleep earlier but woke up plus had to pee so... im back to wide awake/ kinda tired, just suffocating.
I've never needed this much help only for nothing to be there. Like great im burnt out, not functioning, physically unwell, etc now what? Tried so hard to live I've burnt myself out and also triggered a flareup.
I haven't been able to read in like 2 weeks. I love reading. Its also a great distraction so. That sucks.
Im 100% certain on ending my life. I can't take this anymore. I sorta came outta isolation a bit today but going back.
The only thoughts in my head are those of self harm. I don't really trust myself to not cut deep enough to need stitches. Especially with the only thing I have is like an xacto knife.
So truthfully all that's swirling in my head is methods and execution. What can I do and soon. I need a way to end it without too much pain or violence. Im rethinking partial hanging. I dunno. Night Night or the other similar one maybe.
There's no such thing as ease or distraction anymore. At least I was sleeping most the day before / for the past few days but things needed to get done today. Hence an even bigger push to stop living. There's no such thing as just taking it easy or a break.
I need this to end and soon. I think ima need to get over the violence aspect hell might even need to get over pain aspect. I don't have the strength and mental capacity to be picky anymore. I am desperate now. So yeah. I'll keep looking and thinking. I'll settle on something soon.
Took some meds again. Hopefully these get me some sleep. Or just some relaxation. But sleep is preferred. But the body/mind state can completely override meditation effects. I barly felt anything earlier and had taken more of meds plus supplements. So. Yeah. Its like im just fucked. But anyway.
Will try to play mindless game that im barly playing. It's like im barly alive anymore. Play. Hope my mind goes into realm of sleep. Only ease is in death rn so use that to get to sleep. Its an awful way to fall asleep but its better than nothing. Better than this wakefulness.
Its around 7am. I barly slept. Its like I would fall into sleep and almost like feel that ease but then be dragged out & into pain. Was very odd. Like I took all my meds/supplements too...
Ig its also the stress of trying to cope or try for better and failing. I dunno.
If im not sleeping staying in bed is pointless. I just took CBD & magnesium which last week actually made me feel sleepy again/ emough to sleep. I doubt it will today but shall see.
Otherwise was just gonna get up and clean. Things are messy & cleaning helps in ways/ is a healthier coping skill and will burn energy which could help with sleep. Tbh at this rate I wouldn't mind pushing my body so far more into flareup bc im already miserable & unable. At least I'd be sleeping all day.
I kinda want to cook today too.
Which I dunno if that sounds weird but yeah. It would be nice. Maybe I just want to pretend like everything is normal so to speak.
Cook, clean, plan & get things ready to CTB. Sounds like a good day to me.
Im not even happy about being this ready to CTB. Despite the yrs of wanting to and whatever. I'm fucking miserable about it. I feel like I don't have a choice. The degree of whatever I wanna call it suffering or whatever is too much. Im accessing supports. Its not helping. Im trying to remedy it myself. Not helping. Soooo ????. Im not Like expecting a timeline or anything of better... its just that... my own ' anchor' to life is waining. Like I do need to feel like I'm able to stay afloat and I don't. Living makes it worse in ways. I dunno.
I missed my food bank appt yesterday and had wanted to go to get a bunch of frozen meals. Can go today if I do the drop in in the evening. Might do that.
I dunno wanna make myself breakfast soo thinking about it. I guess resting type of distractions / things are not accessible so ig active ones are. Which is ok but its not bc at the end of the day I drown. But anyway
I like cooking a lot. So. I might as well go super into it. Burning off this hypervigilance will help in ways. It might make the flareup worse. But im prepared for that/ tryna get ready in ways. As I'll be ending it all within that/ using it.
Interacting? Nah... I dunno why the person called on Sunday. Was so awkward when I called yesterday...
My friend ig who I would call my best friend is one of the greatest people I've ever met. Her messages yesterday were full of love & compassion. I could ask to hangout over zoom. / she offered. But... I dunno shall see.
My workers... I don't have an appt booked and I don't have their numbers anyway. Might be in the trash of my messages but eh. I don't wanna be saved or anything. Just heard ig.
For the first time in awhile I actually don't believe it'll get better.
I'm accepting that and accepting that I will be ending my life.
So those are my day plans. It's like if I had the planning of the method and personal execution together I'd attempt rn. But im a very like organized & probs my ADHD & Autism come into play. I gotta do the list and organized steps. I did it before with other methods a few yrs ago so. Ik I can do it again.
But ima do it. I might be on here on and off during the day. Will probs start doing my journal like posts like this. It helps so I hope it's ok. Will start another thread later for today.
Thnx for all the kind replies. Im not very good at like responses rn but I really appreciate it. Im srry also for anyone that can relate. I hope we all find some ease.
