![dental](/data/avatars/l/87/87113.jpg?1705361962)
dental
tired
- Jan 11, 2024
- 22
even though i'm not physically going to college classes or living on campus anymore (because that kind of exploded in my face due to my mental health), i'm still taking a few courses online at the moment... because i signed up for them in one of my brief impulsive periods of thinking i was gonna get my life together and become a functional human. of course those never last, and now i'm stuck trying to not fail these and get myself kicked out for having too low of a gpa. which i knew was probably going to happen. i don't think i've actually completed a semester in my life without fucking something up academically: looking back, it started as soon as i hit middle school.
it's so shitty because i know it's entirely my brain chemistry's fault. i've always been able to learn and pick up material super quickly, and i get good grades when i actually submit the work. it's the actually submitting it that i struggle with. again, i have not had a single semester in my life without just failing to turn something in (or a lot of somethings, like an entire semester's worth of somethings), so then i end up with zeroes. i fucking hate my executive dysfunction and how powerless i feel in the face of it. adhd is legitimately a curse. and of course i always get the "just try harder, why aren't you applying yourself, it's clear that you don't care or take this seriously," which hurts so much because i AM trying. i DO care, so much it hurts, and it hurts even worse that as hard as i try, i still fucking fail.
and of course depression makes it worse. because why wouldn't it. i thought it was bad back in middle school, but it only continued to get worse and worse as i got older, and now i'm a dysfunctional adult who can't turn in some easy busywork for fake points to get a degree that i probably won't even use because i'll be dead.
i've inadvertently been procrastinating even more by writing this. i could have gotten work done with the minutes i've spent here; i could have put these several hundred words into something that matters.
i'm diagnosed of course, and i did reach out to the university about accommodations, but they don't offer the only one i really wanted, which is deadline extensions. wonderful.
adhd, at least for me, isn't the inability to focus. it's the inability to direct my focus. and i have absolutely zero control over my broken fucking brain. it's things like this that really make me feel like i'm unfit for life, and i'm just making it worse for myself and everyone around me the longer i stay here.
it's so shitty because i know it's entirely my brain chemistry's fault. i've always been able to learn and pick up material super quickly, and i get good grades when i actually submit the work. it's the actually submitting it that i struggle with. again, i have not had a single semester in my life without just failing to turn something in (or a lot of somethings, like an entire semester's worth of somethings), so then i end up with zeroes. i fucking hate my executive dysfunction and how powerless i feel in the face of it. adhd is legitimately a curse. and of course i always get the "just try harder, why aren't you applying yourself, it's clear that you don't care or take this seriously," which hurts so much because i AM trying. i DO care, so much it hurts, and it hurts even worse that as hard as i try, i still fucking fail.
and of course depression makes it worse. because why wouldn't it. i thought it was bad back in middle school, but it only continued to get worse and worse as i got older, and now i'm a dysfunctional adult who can't turn in some easy busywork for fake points to get a degree that i probably won't even use because i'll be dead.
i've inadvertently been procrastinating even more by writing this. i could have gotten work done with the minutes i've spent here; i could have put these several hundred words into something that matters.
i'm diagnosed of course, and i did reach out to the university about accommodations, but they don't offer the only one i really wanted, which is deadline extensions. wonderful.
adhd, at least for me, isn't the inability to focus. it's the inability to direct my focus. and i have absolutely zero control over my broken fucking brain. it's things like this that really make me feel like i'm unfit for life, and i'm just making it worse for myself and everyone around me the longer i stay here.