I am going through hell. College triggers the shit out of me. I should not have to attend college but poverty will lead to my suicide. I tried other ways I am not made for this world.
I am fantasizing for an escape. For example finding a partner, buying a new laptop or whatever. My big issues with life would not be changed by that. Though the desire for a partner is so fucking strong.
I have duties and they drag me down. I don't know how I actually keep going. I just do it instead of questioning it. College is horrible for my mental health. Working even more.
I think my daydreaming is a form of escapism. A hope for a better future or a different life that will never happen.
Phone games give me a short dopamine boost. And venting on here helps a little bit. Like 2%. But in order to have a somewhat good life quality I needed like 60% of that pail relief. I am so full of it.
In case my mom dies her health is fragile I am going to kill myself as soon as possible. Without the help from my family I could never ever survive. I am so fucking fragile. When my parents retire the financials of the family will collapse but I am so fucked up mentally that I don't have the resources to worry about financials currently. I am dying. I am dying every single day. My determination to kill myself when I relapse increases and increases. Every time life spits me in my face shows me it is the right decision. People don't wake up one day suddently and kill themselves. No usually they wake up every single day over weeks, months or years asking themselves why not doing it. And then one day they are full of it and they simply do it. This is exactly how it will be in my case.
Fuck my life!
I am fantasizing for an escape. For example finding a partner, buying a new laptop or whatever. My big issues with life would not be changed by that. Though the desire for a partner is so fucking strong.
I have duties and they drag me down. I don't know how I actually keep going. I just do it instead of questioning it. College is horrible for my mental health. Working even more.
I think my daydreaming is a form of escapism. A hope for a better future or a different life that will never happen.
Phone games give me a short dopamine boost. And venting on here helps a little bit. Like 2%. But in order to have a somewhat good life quality I needed like 60% of that pail relief. I am so full of it.
In case my mom dies her health is fragile I am going to kill myself as soon as possible. Without the help from my family I could never ever survive. I am so fucking fragile. When my parents retire the financials of the family will collapse but I am so fucked up mentally that I don't have the resources to worry about financials currently. I am dying. I am dying every single day. My determination to kill myself when I relapse increases and increases. Every time life spits me in my face shows me it is the right decision. People don't wake up one day suddently and kill themselves. No usually they wake up every single day over weeks, months or years asking themselves why not doing it. And then one day they are full of it and they simply do it. This is exactly how it will be in my case.
Fuck my life!
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