Venting I am just really fucking tired.

[IUsedToFeelAlive]

I am 25 and i feel like my life is over - nothing brings me joy and i cannot connect to anyone. I have never been in love and at this point I am afraid that my parents fucked me up too much for me to ever feel anything besides anger and frustration.

I got a degree and got a full time job but it makes me so tired and i feel trapped and i am terrified of doing the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life.

Honestly, I have been suffering from SI since i was a kid and naively I thought that I´d get better after uni - but surprise surprise, I graduated, felt good for like two weeks (which is my personal record from high school) and I am now back to fantasizing about slicing my forearms, jumping in front of a moving car, hanging myself or jumping of a bridge.

And I just feel so alone and none of my friends get me and none of them can help, even though I know they care.

I used to write in the past, I even got some stuff published, I was on a good track - but I fucked it all up and these days I cannot write three coherent sentences in a row (as seen in this thread).

I know that my words are nothing new. Nothing original.

I know that everything I feel has been felt by millions other people, million times before.

But I am only me and to me, my experience is uncomrehensible and devastating and I don´t know what to do with myself and somedays I feel like i cannot fit in my own body, I´d like to rip myself open and escape into eternity.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly understandable feeling so tired of suffering here, existing truly can be so dreadful. But anyway best wishes.

 

[spiritedawaytotoro]

This is my first post here, but I have been reading the site for a bit already. I haven't had the time or privacy to post before.

I feel the same way, but am slightly older than you.

I never managed to finish my degree, as my situation was too difficult, and I am trapped under quite a close watch by my family, never getting any time alone to plan anything, truly relax or think seriously about the future. I also don't have the "escape" of a job or workplace and I don't see how I would get one with no qualifications, no ability to travel and no privacy to even attend an interview. I did have friends once but haven't had any for many years.

I would like to think that there is some way my life can be "fixed" but it's clearer all the time that there just isn't.

I think sometimes that I need to mount a make or break effort to reset my life, but I don't have the energy any more.

I suppose I sympathise most that you feel stuck, as so do I.

 

[cscott]

i am now back to fantasizing about slicing my forearms, jumping in front of a moving car, hanging myself or jumping of a bridge.


But I am only me and to me, my experience is uncomrehensible and devastating and I don´t know what to do with myself and somedays I feel like i cannot fit in my own body, I´d like to rip myself open and escape into eternity.

I promise u I feel exactly the same. It feels like I am an alien in my own skin dying to break free. It literally feels like a prison.

I fantasise about all of the above & you are not alone! Even though we certainly feel it in your own mind.

This is literal hell, one thing is though it can't last forever it will end one way or another so hold tight

 

[BodaFly]

I'm a little younger, spent many years in college but it doesn't look like I'll be graduating, I just say I will to get people off my ass. I distinctly remember that I had SI at 11 years old. Problems at school and at home does that to you. Then it eats away at you, because it never really leaves. The problems just continue to stack on top until you are drowning. Eventually the pain was almost physical. Been in a passively suicidal haze ever since, aside from one brief bearable period that was never meant to be, but that's a different story.

Admittedly I am blessed to have such good friends through it all, but as time marches on the distance sets in. They've all graduated. They all have jobs or careers. They all have significant others. They're all busy. Some dozens of miles away, most thousands. Then there's me. Same struggles. Same situation. Same mistakes. Over and over.

No resolution. No great cosmic justice for all those who have wronged me and the chronic pain I've been forced to live with. I always knew there was no way out on some level, but that intoxicating idea, that something miraculous could happen, that you will be able to enjoy the fruits of life to the fullest extent if you just turn this corner. Then the corner comes and goes, and it's more of the same, or worse as has been the trend for me.

 

[MelancholicMundane]

I deeply understand what you're going through right as I'm in the same situation myself. I thought my depression and SI would miraculously resolve itself once I got a nice job out of college and moved to a different state to finally start my new life. Sadly, my life took a turn for the worse and my depression/SI consumed me everyday. I started to dread waking up everyday going into work and thought why did I struggle for all those years to only work a job that consumed my whole life and not give me any joy I was promised. I started to fall into a pit of despair and quit my job after several months. I thought I could work on myself back at home, but now I think I've come to accept the fact that there probably won't be a "happy ending" for me. I think I'm just going to be this way for the rest of the life and that thought makes me feel so hopeless.

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

lack of words, (are) reasons yet to be enough ?