So basically I hope against hope to be able to work again...:) and return to the capital, my favourite city...
What are your hopes?
I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "hope against hope". To me this phrase makes it sound like you "hope to not hope" i.e. you wish to be hopeless.
Which is why I clicked on this thread as that is my hope exactly. On a larger scale, I hope to remain hopeless because I have begun to approach hopelessness for me personally as more of a "matter of fact" outlook in that my ailing personal conditions are not significantly reversible to a satisfying degree. I want it to be etched in stone that this hopelessness is the "correct" answer, or most realistic way of viewing my life in foresight. For the last couple years I've been on the fence about suicide, and recently it dawned on me that it is the best decision considering all of the factors. I want to remain "hopeless" by keeping this decision. I don't want to keep changing my mind because it will feel like I'm getting nowhere. I want to believe that my mind is becoming more realized, aware and predictive.
On a smaller scale, I HOPE to remain abstinent from gratifying behavior. I hope to stay clean and sober in order to preserve my health and safety so I will not inadvertently foil my plan to CTB. I hope to not ever smoke, drink caffeine, or masturbate until I'm almost at the end of my life, when it is clear that I can safely CTB at my convenience and abstaining from those particular, more minorly destructive habits will no longer matter because for one, they never jeopardized my safety to begin with; abstaining from smoking, caffeine and masturbation just helps me to feel a little more secure and confident. Abstaining from meth, cannabis, alcohol and addictive Rx medication are what is crucial because a relapse could deter me from my plan to CTB, as I said.
Anyway it simplifies to this: I hope to be able to CTB with my preferred method as I am envisioning the process to play out. I hope that nothing horrible happens which makes it impossible, such as losing all my money or losing my independence.