i am going to do it. tomorrow.

[sashaphire]

okay so i was supposed to do it like almost a month ago (and have actually wanted to do it for years but have never had to had to) but i chickened out cause i'm a loser but this week is final exams week aka the last week of college and i am failing everything and will be thrown to the curb anyway if my parents find that out so my hands are now tied. i have spent most of today trying to prepare everything kind of, i've cleaned my room and i wrote papers to stick to my door telling my parents (or just my mom because she comes home first) saying to call an ambulance.

i have a rope and i will hang myself either in my closet or on the other side of this random door inside my closet that goes to some part of the attic i guess? my house is weird. anyway i was going to do my closet because of the familiar setting but the other side has nothing in it so less chance that my survival instinct will kick in and i will save myself. i'm supposed to leave at 7am for an exam at 8am but my mom leaves for work usually at 9am and then my house is completely empty until around 4ish. if i come home at 10 or something and hang myself at 11, i will be dead for 5 hours with nobody discovering me so i think there will be less chance that i will survive. do not tell me that i am misinformed or that it will not work i do not want to hear that i will do it anyway

i do not even know what to say and i do not even know why i decided that i'm doing this. i am in such a privileged position i am 19, 20 in june and i have no bills to pay. i have a car fully paid off by my parents. my college is also fully paid for. i live in a nice house with my parents and my mom cooks dinner for us. i don't even need my job the money goes towards nothing useful but gas and was just accumulating in the thousands before i decided to blow it all away on a bunch lego sets before i die cause i always wanted to build them (side note: notre dame and himeji castle were my favorite ones to build. the camaro looks super cool but was super annoying and the pyramid part on the pyramid of giza was a nightmare). basically what i'm trying to say is that i'm not suicidal because i've been delt a bad hand. no i won the lottery and threw the check in the garbage can. i'm not sure i would even be able to actually say why i've decided to do this. it's like i just am. i know my now weak academic performance plays a part but i was gonna do it anyway i only decided to give up so i would force myself to do it. i also have no friends and can't make any and always have to be sure that everyone has a hunch that i may dislike them before they can dislike me first but i've learned to deal with that over the years (over a year ago i was about to jump out of my dorm window bcuz of that but i learned to deal with it and it doesn't bother me anymore)

but anyway sorry to my coworkers at mcdonalds i'm supposed to work tomorrow from 2pm-10pm but i obviously won't be showing up lol
if i do not say anything within the next month or so then i succeeded. hopefully i will be in a place that is much better for me.

do not try to change my mind. do not tell me there is something for me here i already know there's more to gain by me staying alive than me leaving but i do not care. do not tell me about my loved ones. they will move on there are already people there to replace me and the nothingburger i brought to the table. i will be killing myself anyway.

i do feel a bit sad for my older sister though. she's mean to me and she's dumber than i am and very not funny wannabe millennial type honest objective opinion but she has been through a lot the past year cuz of her shitty cheating ex fiancé (yeah he tried to make a move on me btw lol) and she talked about us moving out and getting an apartment together last week for something next year and idk i was just like :( in my head the whole time but lol i think she will be fine without me cuz sometimes idk if she actually cares about me anyway so maybe i shouldn't feel bad yeah fuck her she sucks okay i'm done typing now bye friends thanks for reading

 

[JhinLovesPyke]

I get you sis! Same about me. "Nothingburger" is so relatable... I wish you happy passing and to be reborn in the world that you want to live!

 

[opheliaoveragain]

wishing you peace. we're here for you

 

[alltoomuch2]

I am strongly pro-choice but wanting to ctb when you don't know why rings alarm bells. I don't doubt or dismiss what you feel. Is it because you find it hard to feel? Because there's nothing? You can have all the good fortune in the world and still want to ctb, that happens. But wanting to ctb for no reason and talking about feeling bored and empty could be a sign of you having a mental illness. I should know. I internally suppressed BPD for many years and only sought assessment when I realised that wanting to ctb for feeling bored probably wasn't right. I'm so wanting to suggest to you to talk to a good professional in case, but I know the danger of that in some countries. Are you leaving a note? Just something telling your family they did nothing wrong, there was nothing they could have given you or done for you that could have prevented this. They'll still spend the rest of their lives questioning and blaming themselves but it narrows the field of their self-blame. It's a tough time in life around finals. Very tough because everyone preps you that it's make or break. But it isn't. I was so fearful I opted out and blamed failure on not trying. Did a low paid job as almost a rebellion to myself. Then decided to give it another try but in my terms, knowing I could stop at any time. I started again from the beginning. I was only a month younger than one of the teachers lol. And it was a completely different experience from before because I was almost rebelling against society by learning this time instead of it being conformity. And I did ok the second time and got the career id wanted all along. Yes I'm on SaSu so if it's all been great why am I here? Because I have complex mental health problems which I battled on my own for many years without knowing what they were. I wish you would delay your plan. Get yourself assessed by someone who knows what theyre doing. Take a year out and try some new things. See what's out there. But I realise my advice wasn't asked for and whatever you decide I hope you find what you're looking for. Sorry for the long comment. Xxx
Further comment that you didn't want or ask for , you could have BPD. Which is treatable. But I'm no expert and it could be something else. But bpd isn't always rages etc. There's a quiet form. Talk to us some more.

 

[vinlander]

i do not even know what to say and i do not even know why i decided that i'm doing this. i am in such a privileged position i am 19, 20 in june and i have no bills to pay. i have a car fully paid off by my parents. my college is also fully paid for. i live in a nice house with my parents and my mom cooks dinner for us.

I'm as pro-choice as the next person, but choosing to ctb without a "defined reason" is concerning. Regardless, I value the individual's choice more than my own perspective. However, I believe some cases warrant taking additional factors into consideration. For example, as you mentioned: a fully paid car, fully paid college, a comfortable home with loving parents who support you despite academic struggles, and even your own income to spend as you wish—this sounds like a solid foundation to try new things and recover with those you love and who love you in return.

That's my message. I strongly urge you to think twice before making any irreversible decisions. If, however, this is your genuine and pure choice, I respect it. I hope you find peace in a better world where you truly belong, and I wish your loved ones a swift recovery from their loss.
Just please know there will always be someone for you, either your mom or a stranger on the internet if you are feeling like it! peace!

 

[Namelesa]

Whatever happens, I hope you can escape the pain of this world.

 

[delacs]

Regardless of what happens, I just wish you well and peace from the chaotic stress of the world.

 

[me_when_:D]

support you despite academic struggles

She explicitly stated that her parents do not. quote: "i am failing everything and will be thrown to the curb anyway if my parents find that out so my hands are now tied".
I am weirdly in a similar situation to her (it was eerie to read lol), just a bit less lucky with the lottery (still pretty okay financially at least) and I had a talk with my single parent mother about kicking me out of the house if I get expelled from uni (I have gotten pretty close to getting there).

 

[vinlander]

She explicitly stated that her parents do not. quote: "i am failing everything and will be thrown to the curb anyway if my parents find that out so my hands are now tied".
I am weirdly in a similar situation to her (it was eerie to read lol), just a bit less lucky with the lottery (still pretty okay financially at least) and I had a talk with my single parent mother about kicking me out of the house if I get expelled from uni (I have gotten pretty close to getting there).

She has clearly been struggling mentally for some time now, maybe it was my ignorance but I just assumed she was no longer doing well academically while her relatives made the decision to completely pay for her college tuition.

 

[Wezzy777]

okay so i was supposed to do it like almost a month ago (and have actually wanted to do it for years but have never had to had to) but i chickened out cause i'm a loser but this week is final exams week aka the last week of college and i am failing everything and will be thrown to the curb anyway if my parents find that out so my hands are now tied. i have spent most of today trying to prepare everything kind of, i've cleaned my room and i wrote papers to stick to my door telling my parents (or just my mom because she comes home first) saying to call an ambulance.

i have a rope and i will hang myself either in my closet or on the other side of this random door inside my closet that goes to some part of the attic i guess? my house is weird. anyway i was going to do my closet because of the familiar setting but the other side has nothing in it so less chance that my survival instinct will kick in and i will save myself. i'm supposed to leave at 7am for an exam at 8am but my mom leaves for work usually at 9am and then my house is completely empty until around 4ish. if i come home at 10 or something and hang myself at 11, i will be dead for 5 hours with nobody discovering me so i think there will be less chance that i will survive. do not tell me that i am misinformed or that it will not work i do not want to hear that i will do it anyway

i do not even know what to say and i do not even know why i decided that i'm doing this. i am in such a privileged position i am 19, 20 in june and i have no bills to pay. i have a car fully paid off by my parents. my college is also fully paid for. i live in a nice house with my parents and my mom cooks dinner for us. i don't even need my job the money goes towards nothing useful but gas and was just accumulating in the thousands before i decided to blow it all away on a bunch lego sets before i die cause i always wanted to build them (side note: notre dame and himeji castle were my favorite ones to build. the camaro looks super cool but was super annoying and the pyramid part on the pyramid of giza was a nightmare). basically what i'm trying to say is that i'm not suicidal because i've been delt a bad hand. no i won the lottery and threw the check in the garbage can. i'm not sure i would even be able to actually say why i've decided to do this. it's like i just am. i know my now weak academic performance plays a part but i was gonna do it anyway i only decided to give up so i would force myself to do it. i also have no friends and can't make any and always have to be sure that everyone has a hunch that i may dislike them before they can dislike me first but i've learned to deal with that over the years (over a year ago i was about to jump out of my dorm window bcuz of that but i learned to deal with it and it doesn't bother me anymore)

but anyway sorry to my coworkers at mcdonalds i'm supposed to work tomorrow from 2pm-10pm but i obviously won't be showing up lol
if i do not say anything within the next month or so then i succeeded. hopefully i will be in a place that is much better for me.

do not try to change my mind. do not tell me there is something for me here i already know there's more to gain by me staying alive than me leaving but i do not care. do not tell me about my loved ones. they will move on there are already people there to replace me and the nothingburger i brought to the table. i will be killing myself anyway.

i do feel a bit sad for my older sister though. she's mean to me and she's dumber than i am and very not funny wannabe millennial type honest objective opinion but she has been through a lot the past year cuz of her shitty cheating ex fiancé (yeah he tried to make a move on me btw lol) and she talked about us moving out and getting an apartment together last week for something next year and idk i was just like :( in my head the whole time but lol i think she will be fine without me cuz sometimes idk if she actually cares about me anyway so maybe i shouldn't feel bad yeah fuck her she sucks okay i'm done typing now bye friends thanks for reading

Hope you find the leave your searching for but if I was you I'd reevaluate how you really feel once last time. I'm not. In Cleveland but I've heard grades don't matter too much as long as you pass/get the credit you need to graduate. But seeing his you see suicide as your only way out of this situation (relateable) I'm assuming you be already tried all your options. Best wishes to you.

 

[me_when_:D]

She has clearly been struggling mentally for some time now, maybe it was my ignorance but I just assumed she was no longer doing well academically while her relatives made the decision to completely pay for her college tuition.

I have a scholarship and I assumed she does too lol, i forgot paying for college is a thing, my bad

 

[needthebus]

not trying to change your mind

this seems... unfortunate

like you are doing it mostly out of feelings of being socially disconnected and there are probably ways for you to find connection

when you say you will be thrown to the curb, is this fear of being homeless? are you sure that would happen? this doesn't seem objectively accurate and could be the result of depression

if you are failing everything, perhaps this means you are meant to not be an academic? there are many people who do art, work at cafes, find other ways of making a difference.


Not trying to change your mind. People should be able to decide what they want. It's just unfortunate you couldn't find something you are interested in (acting? political action? something) and meet people with common interests. Sometimes it takes a while for people to find the right social group, and social alienation sucks and is awful... but sometimes people go from not any or many friends to lots once they find the right social group...

i know you said you aren't going to change your mind. sorry things have been hard...
It's okay to change your mind and not do it.