I am free.

[goneStar]

I'm free – an ode to suicide.

Last year, everything that could go wrong went wrong.

I had to end a relationship because I was hurting my partner without noticing.

I dropped out of university because I lost motivation to study.

I lost a lot of weight (probably) due to my depression.

I was kicked out of my apartment and had to move back to my parents (this is 100% not my fault though, that's quite a long story).

I lost my friends.

I started balding quite intensely.

My body physically broke down, I lost a lot of muscle mass to the point where I could barely climb stairs because all I would do is lay in bed all day.

And all this, at the tender age of 20 years.

So yeah, I think this is the definition of "being fucked". Obviously that is not all and many of the things that happened to me I 100% were because of my inability to act on time, but still. I wonder why I didn't just do the things then. I have been working on a whole bunch of things recently; I started hitting the gym (day 16 today), started going to the library to self study as part of my routine. I'm looking for a job and will try to do my drivers license sometime in the next few months, at the behest of my parents. I am still insanely depressed and suicidal, however I realized that this will probably never go away. So I decided instead to make peace with it.

Fuck it all. Fuck life, fuck status, fuck expectations. Fuck hopes and dreams, fuck the pain. This is what I have internalized, and it's calming me down – a lot more than I would like to admit.

It's not even a matter of deluding myself into the fact that I *might* kill myself. It's fully embracing the fact that this will be the most likely event causing my demise – death by my own doing. I take pride in that. Society, friends, foes, parents, teachers – they all can go fuck themselves. I will do what I want, whenever I want, wherever I want – and if death comes in the way, I'll embrace it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally see something so admirable about deciding to voluntarily leave this world, as it's taking control over a life that we never asked for and it's choosing to prevent unnecessary years spent here. We are all destined to die anyway so I've always seen it as being preferable choosing when to leave, that is the appeal of having suicide as an option. But I understand why you would feel relieved being in that situation, I think that if someone has accepted that they will likely ctb and they have a method planned out they will likely no longer feel so trapped here and they can just exit when the time feels right for them.

 

[usedtobright]

I'm free – an ode to suicide.

Last year, everything that could go wrong went wrong.

I had to end a relationship because I was hurting my partner without noticing.

I dropped out of university because I lost motivation to study.

I lost a lot of weight (probably) due to my depression.

I was kicked out of my apartment and had to move back to my parents (this is 100% not my fault though, that's quite a long story).

I lost my friends.

I started balding quite intensely.

My body physically broke down, I lost a lot of muscle mass to the point where I could barely climb stairs because all I would do is lay in bed all day.

And all this, at the tender age of 20 years.

So yeah, I think this is the definition of "being fucked". Obviously that is not all and many of the things that happened to me I 100% were because of my inability to act on time, but still. I wonder why I didn't just do the things then. I have been working on a whole bunch of things recently; I started hitting the gym (day 16 today), started going to the library to self study as part of my routine. I'm looking for a job and will try to do my drivers license sometime in the next few months, at the behest of my parents. I am still insanely depressed and suicidal, however I realized that this will probably never go away. So I decided instead to make peace with it.

Fuck it all. Fuck life, fuck status, fuck expectations. Fuck hopes and dreams, fuck the pain. This is what I have internalized, and it's calming me down – a lot more than I would like to admit.

It's not even a matter of deluding myself into the fact that I *might* kill myself. It's fully embracing the fact that this will be the most likely event causing my demise – death by my own doing. I take pride in that. Society, friends, foes, parents, teachers – they all can go fuck themselves. I will do what I want, whenever I want, wherever I want – and if death comes in the way, I'll embrace it.

I've just pm you