toxicwasteofspace
Member
- Sep 9, 2023
- 5
this is still 5 days away, but i just wanted to vent about my life experience up to this point, and how i got here.
i am a 21 yr old s*x trafficking victim, who was also generally abused and neglected a lot by my parents. my mom was a drug addict, deeply. i also was badly sa'd by my grandpa, when i was 7. honestly my childhood was all kinds of traumatizing and turbulent , i can't even put it into words, and i was so traumatized growing up i was nonverbal for the first 10 yrs of my life but the same year i started talking i made my first friend. but before that, i was so deeply depressed as a child that i couldn't see colors very well and things all looked really dark and gloomy to me, psychically. and i was raised christian so i would pray to god asking him to kill me every night before bed, before i even knew was ctb was. i didn't know how to properly visualize what i wanted and didn't know how to name it really, but i still knew that i wanted to d*e. my fascination with death goes back to my earliest, very first childhood memories, the idea of me dying was my very first love, and maybe only. 21 years older it's still the only thing i think that i truly am infatuated with. i've had 3-4 different dream methods by now. i've tried over 20 times with what i had available to me but unfortunately it was never much, but i did come scarily close to succeeding twice. once in 2021 & 2023, and i wasn't even scared. i felt no SI either of those times only peace and relief, i felt the same during all my others as well. i've never fought myself when ive come close to ctb. i feel like my SI was beat out of me at a young age by my traumatic experiences. anyways , as i got older i tried to make myself happy like everyone else. I was sfill obsessed with CTB , but i would hide it, and ignore it, push it down, try to stop being inseparable from it. but i always came back, the more i tried to fix my life the worse it got. the harder i tried to be happy and change, even move out of my abusive parens house, i only got worse each time. i first moved at 20 with my ex girlfriend. i thought that would save me above all else, id finally be happy; im with someone i love and im away from my abusers. but it backfired like crazy. i wasmore miserable than ever, and i nearly repeated the cycle. and i saw my abusr's in my girlfriend, i heard my dads voice in her voice; she mirrored him to me and i was in flashbacks constantly, and then eventually the worst happened. she sa'd me; someone i deeply trusted not to. id never felt so hsed and betrayed. i never felt happy or at peace; i ran away numerous times; until the day i left for good. back at square one. during and after this i became a addict myself just like my mom for a little over a year. but it wasn't just to numb myself, it was also to try to ""accidentally"" 0D, get l@ced, something at some point. i got more reckless every single year that my life didn't improve. between at3mpts i would do anything i could to harm myself. and then, a year later, i completely fled the state and moved in with an online friend, again trying desperately to fix my life and find a will to live, some kind of resemblabce of happiness, peace . but this too got ruined. and i again got triggered, flashbacks, mental episodes, misery, crying constantly, i was stil miserable even after being in a completely new state, and my online friend eventually stopped liking me, abd suggested i go back home, to my abusive parents. this was today. i'm 21,i fled my home state hoping to flee abuse just to still be unhappy and miserable and still have fladhbacks everyday and hearing and seeing my abusers in everyone i meet even if they love me like im being haunted by demons i cant banish, ill never heal , im unfixable, intolerable, ill never be happy, this was my final straw , this was the most ive ever tried to fix my life and it too fell apart and slipped through my fingers, i dont want to keep trying and i cant keep getting hurt, i uprooted my entire life for this chance at happiness but i just made everyone hate me while i continue to wither away just in a new environment. im done trying, i dont want to try anymore, and none of this is normal. normal people don't go through the things i do. i should not have failed so badly at moving out again, this trip should've worked, it was supposed to be successful i can feel that in my hear t, im just cursed, im doomed, and cursed. i'm doomed to rot and wither away in my dads house until i CTB, planned for Friday via a w34p0n. No rope, no meds, just a surefire, foolproof way. Guess!
i am a 21 yr old s*x trafficking victim, who was also generally abused and neglected a lot by my parents. my mom was a drug addict, deeply. i also was badly sa'd by my grandpa, when i was 7. honestly my childhood was all kinds of traumatizing and turbulent , i can't even put it into words, and i was so traumatized growing up i was nonverbal for the first 10 yrs of my life but the same year i started talking i made my first friend. but before that, i was so deeply depressed as a child that i couldn't see colors very well and things all looked really dark and gloomy to me, psychically. and i was raised christian so i would pray to god asking him to kill me every night before bed, before i even knew was ctb was. i didn't know how to properly visualize what i wanted and didn't know how to name it really, but i still knew that i wanted to d*e. my fascination with death goes back to my earliest, very first childhood memories, the idea of me dying was my very first love, and maybe only. 21 years older it's still the only thing i think that i truly am infatuated with. i've had 3-4 different dream methods by now. i've tried over 20 times with what i had available to me but unfortunately it was never much, but i did come scarily close to succeeding twice. once in 2021 & 2023, and i wasn't even scared. i felt no SI either of those times only peace and relief, i felt the same during all my others as well. i've never fought myself when ive come close to ctb. i feel like my SI was beat out of me at a young age by my traumatic experiences. anyways , as i got older i tried to make myself happy like everyone else. I was sfill obsessed with CTB , but i would hide it, and ignore it, push it down, try to stop being inseparable from it. but i always came back, the more i tried to fix my life the worse it got. the harder i tried to be happy and change, even move out of my abusive parens house, i only got worse each time. i first moved at 20 with my ex girlfriend. i thought that would save me above all else, id finally be happy; im with someone i love and im away from my abusers. but it backfired like crazy. i wasmore miserable than ever, and i nearly repeated the cycle. and i saw my abusr's in my girlfriend, i heard my dads voice in her voice; she mirrored him to me and i was in flashbacks constantly, and then eventually the worst happened. she sa'd me; someone i deeply trusted not to. id never felt so hsed and betrayed. i never felt happy or at peace; i ran away numerous times; until the day i left for good. back at square one. during and after this i became a addict myself just like my mom for a little over a year. but it wasn't just to numb myself, it was also to try to ""accidentally"" 0D, get l@ced, something at some point. i got more reckless every single year that my life didn't improve. between at3mpts i would do anything i could to harm myself. and then, a year later, i completely fled the state and moved in with an online friend, again trying desperately to fix my life and find a will to live, some kind of resemblabce of happiness, peace . but this too got ruined. and i again got triggered, flashbacks, mental episodes, misery, crying constantly, i was stil miserable even after being in a completely new state, and my online friend eventually stopped liking me, abd suggested i go back home, to my abusive parents. this was today. i'm 21,i fled my home state hoping to flee abuse just to still be unhappy and miserable and still have fladhbacks everyday and hearing and seeing my abusers in everyone i meet even if they love me like im being haunted by demons i cant banish, ill never heal , im unfixable, intolerable, ill never be happy, this was my final straw , this was the most ive ever tried to fix my life and it too fell apart and slipped through my fingers, i dont want to keep trying and i cant keep getting hurt, i uprooted my entire life for this chance at happiness but i just made everyone hate me while i continue to wither away just in a new environment. im done trying, i dont want to try anymore, and none of this is normal. normal people don't go through the things i do. i should not have failed so badly at moving out again, this trip should've worked, it was supposed to be successful i can feel that in my hear t, im just cursed, im doomed, and cursed. i'm doomed to rot and wither away in my dads house until i CTB, planned for Friday via a w34p0n. No rope, no meds, just a surefire, foolproof way. Guess!
