Story I am being forced to ctb by my partner / father

[GoneGoneGone]

Hi everyone,

I want to ctb but I am not sure how much that is under my purview and how much that is due to external circumstances. I don't know where this story ends and where it begins. I'm an attractive woman in my early 30s. I hail from Central Europe. I am an expat. For years I've been working in a very stressful job, and I developed a benzo addiction to deal with the job and stress of my former relationship. I started getting sicker and sicker, but my ex partner would complain that I was lazy, whiny, drama queen etc. Well no. I returned to my home country and discovered early stage cancer. He left me, he was cheap, wanted a career, and didn't want to pay for the treatment. I dealt with, recovered, and paid for the costly treatment on my own.

I required surgery, had to disclose my benzo addiction (I can probably take 1g Valium and be fine), but after, I developed some sort of PTSD or survivor's guilt? I developed depression, panic disorder (up to 12 panic attacks per day, and nocturnal panic attacks), and agoraphobia. I'm not sure how hardcore this agoraphobia is, I can still go out if I am loaded on some Valium. I had several attempts (partial) and my father promised (tricked me) to take me to rehab since the benzos had stopped working, but sent me to a psych ward instead, where I was almost raped, where the nurses would threaten to beat me up if I didn't eat (with cockroaches and mice), and where they only ended up loading me on even more Valium! Luckily they left my phone on me so I could beg my mom to take me.

In between all this madness, I started another relationship with an old flame, and after the ward incident I moved in with him, in another country. Trying to navigate this country's psych system has been hell. Endless waiting lists, being rejected from one practice to another, only being prescribed the least amount of benzos (we ended up buying online)... Oh and I suffer from serotonin syndrome, so I cannot take the usual antidepressants. The problem is the agoraphobia. I managed for a couple of months to go out loaded on benzos but then my partner started pushing to go out more and more, be it so that I get a job or have a baby (so to drop the benzos) and that's when I had my first hardcore and thoroughly planned attempt on pregabalin. I woke up after a day and a half.

Anyhow the problem is that now we've been housebound and he's been increasingly unhappy with my depression... I sleep all day. So we've had a couple of arguments and I threatened with suicide because I cannot go out (we're still allowed to go out for groceries). He said he would take care of me, and that all I have to do is to stay alive even if we don't have children or if I don't have a job. But I had like a psychotic episode and he talked to the psych services and now they want to take me to a psych ward (voluntarily), which I refused. I said if he's unhappy I would rather go back home with my parents (where my father doesn't want me).

If I end up going home, my father will again take me to a psych ward or force me to go out... So I feel my only option is to ctb. I am unhappy, I have depression, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, I don't have the money to go to rehab nor do I have another medication that would keep my panic attacks at bay (to have a job or have children), so what's the whole point? The problem is that now that the psych services are involved, I feel like I am forced to ctb sooner and in a frenzy... My SN is being shipped right now.

Thank you for reading. If you have any ideas please let me know. I don't want to die because other people are frustrated with my mental state. I would probably take 3-5 years of being housebound with my mother over ctb, but the fact that I know they might knock at the door to take me to a psych ward makes me wanna ctb NOW.

Peace everyone and thank you.

 

[jgm63]

I don't know what the answer is, but I have read your post, and received what you have written.
I pray that the right answer will make itself known to you, whatever that may be.
Hopefully others will join that prayer, and help to manifest that.

 

[Underwhelming]

Are there any psych wards you feel comfortable going to? I understand you may be unable to go due to past experiences.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Are there any psych wards you feel comfortable going to? I understand you may be unable to go due to past experiences.

I wouldn't be comfortable to go, no, not even to a psych ward in a Western country. There are other countries where a crisis team can visit you at home, but not here. Plus I am agoraphobic and a little paranoid, I do not feel comfortable anywhere at the moment apart from my room.

Ideally, let us assume that my biggest problem was agoraphobia. In the UK for example, people receive state support for such a condition. But not in the rest of Europe.

Even at that, I own two properties in my home country that I could rent out, and just live off the rent. My problem is that these two people (partner + father) force me to go out of the house, be it in the country I am currently in, or in my native country. I haven't even spoken to a psych person about how to cure this new fear of the outside which is clearly trauma after illness. I feel like they are taking away my life with this 'get over it' attitude. I become more and more terrified every time I go out, not more accustomed.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Psych wards sounds like hellish places.
I'm sorry but I don't understand, as you said you doesn't seem to have money problems, would it be possible for you to live alone where no one could put pressure on you ? Or does your mental issues might prevent that or get increased if you do so ? Could it be possible for you to move to another country too, like a fresh start maybe, I don't know ? I understand it might not be easy to do all that with the corona all around right now but are they possibilities ? I'm sorry if I didn't understand your situation well.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Psych wards sounds like hellish places.
I'm sorry but I don't understand, as you said you doesn't seem to have money problems, would it be possible for you to live alone where no one could put pressure on you ? Or does your mental issues might prevent that or get increased if you do so ? Could it be possible for you to move to another country too, like a fresh start maybe, I don't know ? I understand it might not be easy to do all that with the corona all around right now but are they possibilities ? I'm sorry if I didn't understand your situation well.

It would be possible for me to live in my native country and rent out my two properties, but only if I live with my parents in their house. Rent isn't that high there so I cannot stay alone in one of the properties and rent the other one... I need to rent out both. But when I stay with my parents, my father wants me gone or takes me to a psych ward (under the "you're over 18, sort yourself out" mantra).

 

[Iloveyouall]

What says your mom about all this ? Is it impossible for your father to understand your situation better, like changing his mind by having a serious talk about what you're experiencing ? I'm sorry if those sounds like stupid suggestions.

 

[Donk]

"He said he would take care of me, and that all I have to do is to stay alive even if we don't have children or if I don't have a job."

sounds like your bf is very understanding of your situation. can you stay with him? also, are you taking 1g or 1mg of valium?

 

[Soul]

Since you indicate that you feel better with your mother than with your father, would she be willing to stay with you (at least part-time) at one of your rental places? It would piss your father off no doubt, but it sounds like that wouldn't be much of a change.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've been troubled by the title of the thread and it took a bit to figure out why. It sounds like you do not experience a sense of self-control, of being internally empowered to live your own your own life, make your own decisions, nor make your own successes or mistakes. Now you're in a place where you're down, making such enpowerment even harder to access or create. I recognize you're in a tough position.

I would say, first, to leave your father out of it unless you are in the most dire of circumstances, and even then only temporarily. Second, I would suggest you write what support looks like to you, and share it with your partner -- what support you would most want from your partner, and what support you offer to your partner so that the focus does not fall too heavily for too long on either one of you. Third, I share the following resources about boundaries. I realize they do not provide quick fixes, but you didn't get into this disempowered mindset overnight, and they provide (for me, anyway) powerful insights that can quickly start a strong foundation on which to build over the long-term.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/

 

[HadenoughHA]

Hi everyone,

I want to ctb but I am not sure how much that is under my purview and how much that is due to external circumstances. I don't know where this story ends and where it begins. I'm an attractive woman in my early 30s. I hail from Central Europe. I am an expat. For years I've been working in a very stressful job, and I developed a benzo addiction to deal with the job and stress of my former relationship. I started getting sicker and sicker, but my ex partner would complain that I was lazy, whiny, drama queen etc. Well no. I returned to my home country and discovered early stage cancer. He left me, he was cheap, wanted a career, and didn't want to pay for the treatment. I dealt with, recovered, and paid for the costly treatment on my own.

I required surgery, had to disclose my benzo addiction (I can probably take 1g Valium and be fine), but after, I developed some sort of PTSD or survivor's guilt? I developed depression, panic disorder (up to 12 panic attacks per day, and nocturnal panic attacks), and agoraphobia. I'm not sure how hardcore this agoraphobia is, I can still go out if I am loaded on some Valium. I had several attempts (partial) and my father promised (tricked me) to take me to rehab since the benzos had stopped working, but sent me to a psych ward instead, where I was almost raped, where the nurses would threaten to beat me up if I didn't eat (with cockroaches and mice), and where they only ended up loading me on even more Valium! Luckily they left my phone on me so I could beg my mom to take me.

In between all this madness, I started another relationship with an old flame, and after the ward incident I moved in with him, in another country. Trying to navigate this country's psych system has been hell. Endless waiting lists, being rejected from one practice to another, only being prescribed the least amount of benzos (we ended up buying online)... Oh and I suffer from serotonin syndrome, so I cannot take the usual antidepressants. The problem is the agoraphobia. I managed for a couple of months to go out loaded on benzos but then my partner started pushing to go out more and more, be it so that I get a job or have a baby (so to drop the benzos) and that's when I had my first hardcore and thoroughly planned attempt on pregabalin. I woke up after a day and a half.

Anyhow the problem is that now we've been housebound and he's been increasingly unhappy with my depression... I sleep all day. So we've had a couple of arguments and I threatened with suicide because I cannot go out (we're still allowed to go out for groceries). He said he would take care of me, and that all I have to do is to stay alive even if we don't have children or if I don't have a job. But I had like a psychotic episode and he talked to the psych services and now they want to take me to a psych ward (voluntarily), which I refused. I said if he's unhappy I would rather go back home with my parents (where my father doesn't want me).

If I end up going home, my father will again take me to a psych ward or force me to go out... So I feel my only option is to ctb. I am unhappy, I have depression, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, I don't have the money to go to rehab nor do I have another medication that would keep my panic attacks at bay (to have a job or have children), so what's the whole point? The problem is that now that the psych services are involved, I feel like I am forced to ctb sooner and in a frenzy... My SN is being shipped right now.

Thank you for reading. If you have any ideas please let me know. I don't want to die because other people are frustrated with my mental state. I would probably take 3-5 years of being housebound with my mother over ctb, but the fact that I know they might knock at the door to take me to a psych ward makes me wanna ctb NOW.

Peace everyone and thank you.

Hi there,

I understand where you're coming from, and you've been through so much stress. Your partner obviously cares about you but doesn't know which way to turn to help you.

I suffered panic attacks and agoraphobia years ago I now have different problems but try to thing positive thoughts and if you have to stay in your safe space for a while then explain this to your partner you need time to get your thoughts together and try to make small steps of change day by day don't get overwhelmed x

 

[GoneGoneGone]

What says your mom about all this ? Is it impossible for your father to understand your situation better, like changing his mind by having a serious talk about what you're experiencing ? I'm sorry if those sounds like stupid suggestions.

Thank you, there are no bad suggestions. My mother says 'just come home and we'll see'. But she as well is keeping me hidden with all these panic attacks / agoraphobia issues. They keep me in the house when I am there and invent reasons as to why I don't attend certain events or gatherings. I have a large extended family, some of whom are really super wealthy (not that I'm counting on their money, but I am just saying I am not alone in theory) and if they supported me I could maybe get access to whatever psych treatment I need for these agoraphobia and panic attacks. But mental health is taboo to discuss in that country, where pressing concerns are if you have your mani pedi done. And if you have whatever panic attack / fear, you get loaded up on Valium and potentially smacked in the face.

My father said that he is at peace with himself, that if I ctb he won't feel responsible at all. He doesn't like to be blamed for certain personal and professional "advice" that he gave me (and turned out to lead me to this situation).

"He said he would take care of me, and that all I have to do is to stay alive even if we don't have children or if I don't have a job."

sounds like your bf is very understanding of your situation. can you stay with him? also, are you taking 1g or 1mg of valium?

But is it fair to him though? I don't want to destroy his life when he can find a nice woman with no mental health issues, start a family etc. The people responsible are my former partner of 7 years who promised me babies, marriage etc. and my father, neither of whom believed me when I was complaining that I was tired, and said that I was whiny, spoiled and lazy, when in fact I had cancer!! And the ex ran away so that he wouldn't have to pay for treatment. My current partner shouldn't be stuck with a broken woman, not fair... This is why I wanna ctb.

Since you indicate that you feel better with your mother than with your father, would she be willing to stay with you (at least part-time) at one of your rental places? It would piss your father off no doubt, but it sounds like that wouldn't be much of a change.

It would be possible, yes, we thought about it, but again, I don't wanna be a burden on her. For how long would she have to feed me and get me into the shower? I had catatonic depression after I finished my treatment and got cleared, and the poor woman had to feed me because I just wanted to ctb. One part of me wants help and believes maybe life could get better, and the other doesn't want to be an encumbrance. Don't know if it makes sense.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I've been troubled by the title of the thread and it took a bit to figure out why. It sounds like you do not experience a sense of self-control, of being internally empowered to live your own your own life, make your own decisions, nor make your own successes or mistakes. Now you're in a place where you're down, making such enpowerment even harder to access or create. I recognize you're in a tough position.

I would say, first, to leave your father out of it unless you are in the most dire of circumstances, and even then only temporarily. Second, I would suggest you write what support looks like to you, and share it with your partner -- what support you would most want from your partner, and what support you offer to your partner so that the focus does not fall too heavily for too long on either one of you. Third, I share the following resources about boundaries. I realize they do not provide quick fixes, but you didn't get into this disempowered mindset overnight, and they provide (for me, anyway) powerful insights that can quickly start a strong foundation on which to build over the long-term.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resources-for-learning-boundaries.30500/

Thank you for the advice and resources. The issue with my father is a saga. Because my older sibling refused to work for a certain multinational company abroad, I became the target. I was happy with my college sweetheart at the time, although he was cheating a lot on me. So my father turned his guns on me and slut-shamed me "you just wanna be a mediocre whore" to convince me to work abroad. Having a career abroad was very coveted and seen as high social status. So I listened to him although I always wanted to go back to my home country... He got me hooked on benzos, he is my provider, hence why I cannot establish boundaries. It is very easy to trick your mind that things are not that bad and that you are doing what is good and honorable when you are high on benzos. I found another 'provider' abroad to cut ties with my father but the meds are literally 10 times more expensive.

My partner is carrying us both, I do not offer him any support apart from the occasional cooking/ cleaning/ laundry. This is why I wanna ctb. All my former colleagues who stayed at home now have husbands, babies, and a decent life etc. I was prom queen and now I look like a crazy woman. I'm tired of this existence and of intentionally or inadvertently hurting others with my unhappiness. I would rather ctb. I don't think recovery is possible for me at this stage, even though I opened the thread as to possibly throw a Hail Mary.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Sorry to say this but your father seems a horrible person. I understand it's prolly due to the culture of your country but damn...
Your current partner seems to love you as he seems supportive and you seem to love him as you want the best for him. It might not be fair to him as you're thinking but it's his choice after all, have you tried to talk with him about how you feel regarding to him and what he deserves ?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Sorry to say this but your father seems a horrible person. I understand it's prolly due to the culture of your country but damn...
Your current partner seems to love you as he seems supportive and you seem to love him as you want the best for him. It might not be fair to him as you're thinking but it's his choice after all, have you tried to talk with him about how you feel regarding to him and what he deserves ?

My father IS a horrible person, notwithstanding the generally sexist culture of the country. He was in the military and retired at age 45 (lol) and since then he had been 'directing' me and my older sibling to do what he thought would bring most fame, prestige etc. for HIM even at the cost of getting me hooked on benzos. Now that he saw that it didn't work out well for my mental health, he said that my purpose in this life as a woman is to conceive. So why did I have to be a corporate robot for so many years, when I could have stayed at home with my then partner and friends?

My current partner only dated women who one way or another got depressed. So I told him that I think he deserves better, that I should go back home (where I can ctb in peace, but I didn't tell him that) and that he should find a nice woman who can give him kids and a family and who is not depressed...
UPDATE:
I had a psychotic episode during the weekend, I was incoherent... don't remember much of it. It was when I wanted to ctb on Ami because I have serotonin syndrome. My partner called the GP and he gave me more benzos, which I have enough of. The GP called my psychiatrist. So my psychiatrist (I finally have a psychiatrist after 1 year of being on waiting lists etc.) wanted to put me in a ward on the pretense of changing my medication - he didn't even mention which new medication he was recommending. We said no.

He calls again today to say that they want to meet in person at his workplace in the hospital (but meet through a glass or smth due to Corona) so that they can see me and discuss medication. Doesn't this sound a bit too fishy? I don't wanna be put in a ward. Partner says he'd never allow it, but allegedly I'm the most suicidal person in the area. My SN arrives next Monday and I need to appear calm in front of partner to say it's bath salt. I feel like I'm already losing it!

 

[Iloveyouall]

My current partner only dated women who one way or another got depressed. So I told him that I think he deserves better, that I should go back home (where I can ctb in peace, but I didn't tell him that) and that he should find a nice woman who can give him kids and a family and who is not depressed...

And what did you partner answered to that ?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

And what did you partner answered to that ?

He said he loves me and he wants me and not other women, that he will try every method possible, and I will not die on his watch.
That if I cannot have children we can adopt, and if I never recover mentally then we won't have kids and just be the two of us.
He sounds perfect, right? This is why I am so guilty that I will ctb with him in the house.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Could they force you into getting in the psych ward without his consent or is it that you maybe don't trust him fully ?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Could they force you into getting in the psych ward without his consent or is it that you maybe don't trust him fully ?

Maybe. I do trust him fully, but being that he is an expat himself, he might not know that they can put me in a ward without his consent.

 

[Apathy79]

But is it fair to him though? I don't want to destroy his life when he can find a nice woman with no mental health issues, start a family etc.

My current partner shouldn't be stuck with a broken woman, not fair... This is why I wanna ctb.

My current partner only dated women who one way or another got depressed. So I told him that I think he deserves better, that I should go back home (where I can ctb in peace, but I didn't tell him that) and that he should find a nice woman who can give him kids and a family and who is not depressed...

He said he loves me and he wants me and not other women, that he will try every method possible, and I will not die on his watch.
That if I cannot have children we can adopt, and if I never recover mentally then we won't have kids and just be the two of us.
He sounds perfect, right? This is why I am so guilty that I will ctb with him in the house.

At risk of being too blunt, this is what I think:

He loves you. He doesn't want to find another woman. It's fair to him if he thinks it's fair to him. All couples have arguments, it doesn't change that. The other thoughts about it being unfair to him are pulling you down unnecessarily. You 2 can work it out together. Catching the bus because staying alive is unfair to him is a false premise. And it sounds like that's your main reason.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

At risk of being too blunt, this is what I think:

He loves you. He doesn't want to find another woman. It's fair to him if he thinks it's fair to him. All couples have arguments, it doesn't change that. The other thoughts about it being unfair to him are pulling you down unnecessarily. You 2 can work it out together. Catching the bus because staying alive is unfair to him is a false premise. And it sounds like that's your main reason.

There are many reasons why I want to ctb, apart from ruining my partner's life, which will happen if I ctb or not either way:
- first and most important, I have uncontrollable panic attacks that make it impossible for me to function, get a job etc. I cannot even talk to a stranger or a cashier without having taken anti-anxiety meds; I cannot even leave the house most days...
- I have serotonin syndrome so many of the antidepressants that would help in this situation are out of reach for me
- I uprooted my life and went abroad for absolutely no reason, because my college sweetheart was a man whore, and my father slut-shamed me into working abroad, where I met a guy who took financial and professional advantage of me until I reached burnout and left me when I had cancer!!
- my father and older brother beat me since I can remember until I was 31 and 26 respectively; my father beat me even when I had cancer and was scared of going for tests
- I don't have a circle of friends abroad, and will probably never have because I'm too embarrassed about having panic attacks; nobody sees a point in talking to me; my partner keeps me hidden and invents reasons as to why I am unavailable (before Corona)
- I cannot go back home for the same reason: I do not have a circle of friends, and will probably be the gossip of the town for having gone cuckoo abroad
- even though my father was violent with me, he will expect financial support in his old age and I just don't want to, and cannot provide for him
- I am unhappy every single day

 

[Nem]

This sounds tough, sorry that your father is an asshole/narcissistic kind of person and I use the term person loosely. What country are you from?
Peace/hugs

 

[GoneGoneGone]

This sounds tough, sorry that your father is an asshole/narcissistic kind of person and I use the term person loosely. What country are you from?
Peace/hugs

He is, worked in the military, retired at 45 and made my life hell ever since. With long, drawn-out emails directing me and my brother on what to do in life because "he has worked in a system, hence he knows how all systems work." I pm-ed you.

 

[Apathy79]

It sounds like staying where you are with your bf is the better option. He really seems to want you there, despite the frustrations, it's fair to him. Your Dad sounds like a different story. As for the rest I really have no idea sorry. Hopefully others can help.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Guys, I need to bump this thread because:

UPDATE 1:
I had a psychotic episode last weekend, I was incoherent... don't remember much of it. My partner called the GP and he gave me more benzos, which I have enough of. The GP called my psychiatrist. So my psychiatrist (I finally have a psychiatrist after 1 year of being on waiting lists etc.) wanted to put me in a ward on the pretense of changing my medication - he didn't even mention which new medication he was recommending. We said no.

He called on Monday to say that they want to meet in person at his workplace in the hospital (but meet through a glass or smth due to Corona) so that they can see me and discuss medication. Doesn't this sound a bit too fishy? I don't wanna be put in a ward. Partner says he'd never allow it, but allegedly I'm the most suicidal person in the area. My SN arrives next Monday and I need to appear calm in front of partner to say it's bath salt. I feel like I'm already losing it!

UPDATE 2:
I have been calm in front of my partner all week long, waiting for my SN. Today he tells me that he will email the psychiatrist to tell him about how I've been doing so much better, and haven't had any outbursts, and that we might not even need to meet in person "to discuss medication." I asked why would he need to email the psychiatrist if I wasn't supposed to go to a ward either way, if we were genuinely meeting to discuss medication. I told him again that there's no way in hell that I am going to a psych ward, and that I would rather break up and go home rather than doing that (please read above, I was almost raped the only time I went to a ward).

His response was "Aha! You just wait and see when I tell the psychiatrist that you don't want to meet him, you just wait and see the consequences!" and "You would rather break up with me rather than go to a ward?" To which I obviously responded YES. Anyhow so this means that I wasn't paranoid, I wasn't imagining, but their plan was to lure me to a ward.

Can anyone please help me with some ideas? I don't know what crazy things I will do to myself if they force me to go. I shouldn't be pushed to ctb right now because they are unhappy that I am depressed.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Their plan ? The psychiatrist plan or your partner was in the plan too? I'm confused.
So if your partner is in the plan it means that he lied to you. Have you told him about how it was in the psych ward the last time ?

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Yeah, their plan (my partner + psychiatrist). My partner did all the talking with the psychiatrist on the phone because I was either asleep or crying.
I told him about how it was in the psych ward the first and only time. I wasn't even there bc I was suicidal, I was there because my meds had stopped working and I spent many sleepless nights (think something similar happened to Britney...).

I do not trust my partner at all now. He instigated this whole saga because he complained to me that I was depressed and sleeping too much. I told him this is the only way that I know how to function for now, otherwise if I try to work on my issues and analyze them, then I become suicidal... Then he called the GP and said I was suicidal etc.

 

[Iloveyouall]

...So isn't it somewhat "dangerous" to stay with your partner ? What about your mom ? You said you could have her stay with you in your place. I know you don't want to bother her with your problems but she seems to be a very kind person that you can trust. Maybe staying in a safe place with a safe person could help you.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

...So isn't it somewhat "dangerous" to stay with your partner ? What about your mom ? You said you could have her stay with you in your place. I know you don't want to bother her with your problems but she seems to be a very kind person that you can trust. Maybe staying in a safe place with a safe person could help you.

Thank you. This is what I told my partner that I would do. Unfortunately my mom is in my home country and I need for the restrictions to be lifted to be able to travel home. I also don't wanna ctb in my home country, I want to ctb in hiding abroad...
But I also love my partner, I don't understand if he lied to me, I'd be devastated if I knew he actually lied to me...

 

[Iloveyouall]

So you're actually stuck with your partner now ?