Venting I am alone

[m4rius]

I have to lie as to why I'm depressed and lonely.

I fraud. I can't be normal. I am not normal. I've hit rock bottom and it's only going to get worse, realistically speaking.

Anytime anyone asks me what's wrong and they're pestering me to get personal, I always have to lie by simply making up a story that a close friend committed suicide or whatever. Only so I can give myself an "excuse" to be depressed and have them not bother me by raising anymore questions.

It is so bothersome. I am truly alone. The worse I get mentally, the less I relate with others. I am so fucking alone. I HAVE NO ONE I CAN RELATE WITH. NO ONE IN MY LIFE. I AM ALL BY MYSELF, TALKING TO MYSELF EVERY DAY, EVERY HOUR.

My plans are also starting to look futile, my hope is vanishing. Recovery is failing. Some plans are not fully completed to confirm that my death is to be guaranteed so I still have SOME time left, a very tiny bit of hope. But holy shit it is looking so bleak. Very likely I'm going to kill myself in the end.

 

[MrDarkness]

Hey I know what it's like to be left alone with your thoughts all the time, my entire day consists of waking up, playing games listening to music, then sleep. Day in day out. Really hard to tone out my thoughts, if you wanna talk my dms are always open

 

[90starve]

loneliness is absolutely devastating - i really feel for you as i am in the same situation, and i wish you peace in life or death <3

 

[Unattainable666]

You are definitely not alone. I believe the majority of people on this site suffer from loneliness - one of the main reasons for ctb. People here will understand how you feel and not judge you. Good place to vent and get support.

 

[m4rius]

loneliness is absolutely devastating - i really feel for you as i am in the same situation, and i wish you peace in life or death <3

You know what I really wish? I only wish I could have ONE relatable friend IRL where we talk about anything, go anywhere, share silence, share wisdom and knowledge, cooperate, etc. It feels surreal. I always fantasize about having some alien symbiote friend in my head.

After a certain point, you start living in a different planet compared to your peers. Like a fucking wizard in his basement, you're completely spaced out. Don't get me wrong though, like you can still have casual chats and keep up with whatever buddies you currently have but you'll never feel fulfilled from almost any interaction, and I think in my case I can never be fulfilled anyway. I have far too many problems of my own, I'll be coping endlessly instead. Friends aren't exactly a solution, but man do they help.

 

[90starve]

You know what I really wish? I only wish I could have ONE relatable friend IRL where we talk about anything, go anywhere, share silence, share wisdom and knowledge, cooperate, etc. It feels surreal. I always fantasize about having some alien symbiote friend in my head.

After a certain point, you start living in a different planet compared to your peers. Like a fucking wizard in his basement, you're completely spaced out. Don't get me wrong though, like you can still have casual chats and keep up with whatever buddies you currently have but you'll never feel fulfilled from almost any interaction, and I think in my case I can never be fulfilled anyway. I have far too many problems of my own, I'll be coping endlessly instead. Friends aren't exactly a solution, but man do they help.

i completely get you - i've been so disconnected for so long that i just don't feel normal around others anymore. i do not smile or laugh like others, and people around me can tell i'm not quite right.

the casual chats i have only take place at work - and having to engage in these conversations is such a chore to me! it seems there is almost always zero substance to anything anybody says, and conversations just aren't fulfilling at all.

having just one friend to do activities with would be a huge help - but as you said, it may not solve anything at this point. and anyway, i don't think i even have it in me to do the work to maintain a friendship, as i find acting normal so tiring!

 

[m4rius]

having just one friend to do activities with would be a huge help - but as you said, it may not solve anything at this point. and anyway, i don't think i even have it in me to do the work to maintain a friendship, as i find acting normal so tiring!

That's the thing. A true friend where you don't even need to pretend as anyone else. True freedom. You'd need a really open mind though, on both sides. You both benefit endlessly while not even expecting anything from each other, you just vibe since you're already in the same headspace.

That kinda friendship is so fucking valuable to have IRL. Irreplaceable. I envy some people so much, and not for the usual materialistic garbage, but for their close friendships.

 

[Unattainable666]

You know what I really wish? I only wish I could have ONE relatable friend IRL where we talk about anything, go anywhere, share silence, share wisdom and knowledge, cooperate, etc. It feels surreal. I always fantasize about having some alien symbiote friend in my head.

After a certain point, you start living in a different planet compared to your peers. Like a fucking wizard in his basement, you're completely spaced out. Don't get me wrong though, like you can still have casual chats and keep up with whatever buddies you currently have but you'll never feel fulfilled from almost any interaction, and I think in my case I can never be fulfilled anyway. I have far too many problems of my own, I'll be coping endlessly instead. Friends aren't exactly a solution, but man do they help.

If you find that person let me know, maybe I can clone them.

 

[Dazai Disciple]

I value my friends and love them, but none of them relate to/want to be pestered about serious shit. I feel like whenever I hang out around people I turn on autopilot and act goofy to appease everyone around me. I wish I had friends to talk to about how shitty I'm feeling; ones that would understand. I know people are well-meaning, but if I hear, "aw, it'll be okay! just give yourself more time and try to relax!" one more time, I'm going to be fucking sick.

 

[blue_muse]

I value my friends and love them, but none of them relate to/want to be pestered about serious shit. I feel like whenever I hang out around people I turn on autopilot and act goofy to appease everyone around me. I wish I had friends to talk to about how shitty I'm feeling; ones that would understand. I know people are well-meaning, but if I hear, "aw, it'll be okay! just give yourself more time and try to relax!" one more time, I'm going to be fucking sick.

I hear you on switching yourself on and off. It's like you're 2 people in a tug of war. Platitudes go over my head these days; they're just words to shut you down subtly.

 

[90starve]

That's the thing. A true friend where you don't even need to pretend as anyone else. True freedom. You'd need a really open mind though, on both sides. You both benefit endlessly while not even expecting anything from each other, you just vibe since you're already in the same headspace.

That kinda friendship is so fucking valuable to have IRL. Irreplaceable. I envy some people so much, and not for the usual materialistic garbage, but for their close friendships.

i too envy people lucky enough to have a friendship like this. i remember a friend i had when i was 15 - we would meet and simply just hang out. it was effortless since we both just vibed, but i have not experienced anything like this prior or since.

i fear that i've been out of touch for so long that i won't be able to reintegrate myself into social situations - and people with true depth are truly so rare.

i wish that i could just be content with the people life has given to me - but i have little tolerance for anybody to be honest.

I value my friends and love them, but none of them relate to/want to be pestered about serious shit. I feel like whenever I hang out around people I turn on autopilot and act goofy to appease everyone around me. I wish I had friends to talk to about how shitty I'm feeling; ones that would understand. I know people are well-meaning, but if I hear, "aw, it'll be okay! just give yourself more time and try to relax!" one more time, I'm going to be fucking sick.

i often come away from conversations like those feeling like even more of an alien - like i somehow didn't communicate the severity of my situation well enough, or even at all.

they mean well of course - but i'm not sure that they realise their well wishes aren't very helpful. at least in my experience <3

i compare it to running in a treadmill - you can kick and kick your legs as fast as they'll go, but in the end you haven't actually travelled anywhere.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing here truly is so dreadful and I find it awful being aware of the fact that existing here will just get worse and that suffering is inevitable, to me there could never be any real relief from suffering in this hellish reality. But anyway best wishes.

 

[enough of this]

You know what I really wish? I only wish I could have ONE relatable friend IRL where we talk about anything, go anywhere, share silence, share wisdom and knowledge, cooperate, etc. It feels surreal. I always fantasize about having some alien symbiote friend in my head.

After a certain point, you start living in a different planet compared to your peers. Like a fucking wizard in his basement, you're completely spaced out. Don't get me wrong though, like you can still have casual chats and keep up with whatever buddies you currently have but you'll never feel fulfilled from almost any interaction, and I think in my case I can never be fulfilled anyway. I have far too many problems of my own, I'll be coping endlessly instead. Friends aren't exactly a solution, but man do they help.

For so long, I wish I had that kind of friend - just one - that I could share my truth with and tell anything to without judgment or criticism.