Venting I am almost 100% sure I'll ctb soon, because I see no point anymore in waiting to get old and die

[KillingPain267]

I have wanted to ctb because of deeply crying about nostalgia, depression, anxiety, addiction problems, insomnia, physical pain and more. Felt impulsive often because those emotions were so strong but never acted....

But now... now I simply see no purpose in being here even if all the mental and physical pain is reduced/ignored. Even if I were to get rich, travel, have joy from a steak dinner, video game or love from a thousand lovers or one special, and be pumped full of euphoric drugs most of the day, what's the point? The drugs will make me sick after their effects wear off, the steak dinner gives 15 min pleasure, that's it. A couple hours of video game and the exciting action is done. Hugs and kisses from a lover last also for just a bit. After all these small pleasures (taking up only a quarter of the day at most), it's back to boring chores and neutral bored mood at best. Then we deteriorate. Tastes become less intense on the tongue, the eyes dim and the joints sorer. Then we are dead, and soon forgotten.

I have no motivation to pursue any of the above fleeting small pleasures anymore, and I'm not even scared to deteriorate with more pain as I age (I already have sore joints and a sore back every day). It's just, I don't see the point in waiting to die slowly in some decades. Why not get it over with now? I've done all I wanted, almost. The rest I planned to do, lost my interest.

When I talk to friends and family what the point is in all this if we all die soon anyway (not revealing my ctb thoughts) they don't understand me. But I don't understand them. They seem to have deluded themselves that it's all worth it. Well, good for them.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also could never see a point to this existence, to me existing truly is so incredibly undesirable, I'd always prefer to peacefully not exist no matter what than to deteriorate and decay from age in this existence so futile, I've never wished to exist in my case. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[KillingPain267]

I also could never see a point to this existence, to me existing truly is so incredibly undesirable, I'd always prefer to peacefully not exist no matter what than to deteriorate and decay from age in this existence so futile, I've never wished to exist in my case. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

I USED to see a point in existence (a lot of it due to religion). But now I realize it was just delusions, and even the Bible says it is better never to have been born. Ecclesiastes 4:2: "Wherefore I praised the dead which are already dead more than the living which are yet alive. (Compare) 3 Yea, better is he than both they, which hath not yet been, who hath not seen the evil work that is done under the sun."