Venting I am a piece of shit

[absolute failure]

Ok so, some stuff happened that i wont even go into. I am basically ready to go but need to wait for my SN to arrive. I have amounted to nothing in my life and I am making the mistake of thinking my good moments will last. Nothing ever lasts though, except my own death and despair. I will take me ctb as the easy way out. People say its a permanent solution to a temporary problem, are permanent solutions not the best ones though? In my mind i am the worst person that ever existed, i have no redeeming qualities and I completely lost the plot on who i am and what i want. A person like me deserves a harsh death but i am making it as comfortable for myself as i possibly can, when in reality i dont deserve a single good thing happening to me. The only thing i resonate nowadays is my self hatred and i have like 2 people who truly know my messed up nature. I am grateful for them, but i am scared of me not being good for them, i dont deserve happiness or friends after all. I am seriously contemplating using my rope again but i have a promise to keep so i will just endure my self hatred and the shitty life situation even more, no matter how tempting hanging may or may not be. Funny how my life can only end in 2 ways now: either dead soon or in the psych ward rotting to death if my plans fail. I hope i get at least one win in life, which would be my own peace and death, even though i am the last person who deserves peace…

Sorry for rambling a bit i wanted to write my thoughts down and share them.

 

[darksouls]

thank you for sharing your thoughts,
I wish you all the best with your plans,
sending you lots of love and hope that you find peace

 

[absolute failure]

thank you for sharing your thoughts,
I wish you all the best with your plans,
sending you lots of love and hope that you find peace

Ty darksouls, i am the last person deserving of love sadly :(

 

[darksouls]

Ty darksouls, i am the last person deserving of love sadly :(

you are a good soul,
you always have kind words for everyone,
that is appreciated,
you deserve love and you are welcome in the sasu family

 

[absolute failure]

you are a good soul,
you always have kind words for everyone,
that is appreciated,
you deserve love and you are welcome in the sasu family

Damn… i cant deal with compliments. I suppose you are right, i am trying to be nice to others because i hate myself so much that i see no point in hating others. I am the scum of the earth. Thanks sasu for helping me end my suffering and pathetic existence.

 

[darksouls]

Damn… i cant deal with compliments. I suppose you are right, i am trying to be nice to others because i hate myself so much that i see no point in hating others. I am the scum of the earth. Thanks sasu for helping me end my suffering and pathetic existence.

I am sorry you think that way,
for me it is the opposite,
I think society is scum and pathetic,
if everyone were like me,
this would be a peaceful planet

 

[absolute failure]

I am sorry you think that way,
for me it is the opposite,
I think society is scum and pathetic,
if everyone were like me,
this would be a peaceful planet

If everyone was like me the world would be in shambles lmao. I think people arent usually fully good or evil, its more of a grey area. I myself think i am the only true filth of the planet and everyone else is somewhere on that spectrum of good and evil.

 

[darksouls]

If everyone was like me the world would be in shambles lmao. I think people arent usually fully good or evil, its more of a grey area. I myself think i am the only true filth of the planet and everyone else is somewhere on that spectrum of good and evil.

the majority of society has no sense of wrongdoing,
they exploit the weak and destroy the planet,
they are the true filth
and the entire world will soon be completely in shambles

 

[absolute failure]

the majority of society has no sense of wrongdoing,
they exploit the weak and destroy the planet,
they are the true filth
and the entire world will soon be completely in shambles

Good thing i wont be there to witness that xd

 

[darksouls]

I will not witness that either,
but I feel sorry for everyone who still has to go through that hell,
that is why I am ashamed to be a human

 

[absolute failure]

Youre so right, i hate being a human, especially a useless one that is just a stupid piece of shit

 

[thelostautistic]

I think you do deserve happiness and friends

 

[Tautochrome]

What's with all the "I deserve nothing" mentality? You deserve all the best, by default, just because you exist. Nobody should have to prove their worth, justify their existence, get compared to others. Reality is broken, but it doesn't mean you have to internalize its flaws as own lack of value. People are so scared of being called entitled or spoiled, but they shouldn't be, that's how the system wants to shape you.

 

[darksouls]

Youre so right, i hate being a human, especially a useless one that is just a stupid piece of shit

the majority of society are stupid pieces of shit,
but they are happy,
they enjoy life,
anyway,
you are a lovable person,
you were always kind to everyone,
I wish you would not see yourself so negatively

 

[HopelessScientist]

I do not know you. I know I am a mere stranger, and probably the most convincing thing in the world is your self-hatred. A strong, all-consuming guilt. Of course you can find a thousand flaws in yourself, you live in your head all the time, you know every failure and every regret you have.

I am so sorry that you feel like you deserve nothing good, that you feel like a piece of shit, that you deserve a painful death. I don't know what caused this, but I know it's probably been a lifetime of pain. You may feel like you deserve it, but you don't.

I've trained to work with sex-offenders, I wanted to be a forensic clinical psychologist before going down a research route. I genuinely believe in unconditional compassion to everyone. Not condoning their actions, not making excuses, just treating everyone with dignity. Nobody does nothings for no reason, we're all a product of this world, you and I, the kindest charitable person and the most depraved serial rapist. Trying to understand the world that births evil has been helpful to me. Self-compassion is a skill I was taught and keep to this day, even though I notice guilt and shame. My close friend, a psychiatrist, told me she once felt she wasn't worth treatment, that she felt like a burden, constant guilt. That almost killed her. She is someone who I can say saved my life, in my darkest places, when I was stalked, when people wanted me dead, when I was driven to hell, she was the one person that made me feel sane. I saw myself in her, that I could be like her. I have no doubt her patients love her too.

Generally speaking, I notice that self-hatred and guilt are mere symptoms of a mental illness. They're almost never helpful, and almost always come from cognitive distortions. Despite being very severely depressed, self-hatred is something I've completely let go of.

 

[absolute failure]

I think you do deserve happiness and friends

Nah man, i dont

What's with all the "I deserve nothing" mentality? You deserve all the best, by default, just because you exist. Nobody should have to prove their worth, justify their existence, get compared to others. Reality is broken, but it doesn't mean you have to internalize its flaws as own lack of value. People are so scared of being called entitled or spoiled, but they shouldn't be, that's how the system wants to shape you.

I am just the scum of the earth, really lazy,
Living off of others. I hate myself

 

[d4isy]

you're really not though you seem like a wonderful person :(

 

[absolute failure]

I do not know you. I know I am a mere stranger, and probably the most convincing thing in the world is your self-hatred. A strong, all-consuming guilt. Of course you can find a thousand flaws in yourself, you live in your head all the time, you know every failure and every regret you have.

I am so sorry that you feel like you deserve nothing good, that you feel like a piece of shit, that you deserve a painful death. I don't know what caused this, but I know it's probably been a lifetime of pain. You may feel like you deserve it, but you don't.

I've trained to work with sex-offenders, I wanted to be a forensic clinical psychologist before going down a research route. I genuinely believe in unconditional compassion to everyone. Not condoning their actions, not making excuses, just treating everyone with dignity. Nobody does nothings for no reason, we're all a product of this world, you and I, the kindest charitable person and the most depraved serial rapist. Trying to understand the world that births evil has been helpful to me. Self-compassion is a skill I was taught and keep to this day, even though I notice guilt and shame. My close friend, a psychiatrist, told me she once felt she wasn't worth treatment, that she felt like a burden, constant guilt. That almost killed her. She is someone who I can say saved my life, in my darkest places, when I was stalked, when people wanted me dead, when I was driven to hell, she was the one person that made me feel sane. I saw myself in her, that I could be like her. I have no doubt her patients love her too.

Generally speaking, I notice that self-hatred and guilt are mere symptoms of a mental illness. They're almost never helpful, and almost always come from cognitive distortions. Despite being very severely depressed, self-hatred is something I've completely let go of.

Good for you man :) i am definitely sick in the head and i am aware that my view is distorted, but i do not care anymore. I personally think i am beyond saving, i did too much damage and i will not make it far in life, ive messed up my life whilst just 23 years old

you're really not though you seem like a wonderful person :(

I was also kinda messed up towards you… you literally texted me on the day of my attempt i am so sorry and i hope you forgive me for being such a loser

 

[HopelessScientist]

Good for you man :) i am definitely sick in the head and i am aware that my view is distorted, but i do not care anymore. I personally think i am beyond saving, i did too much damage and i will not make it far in life, ive messed up my life whilst just 23 years old

I've dropped out of school at 14. :') Was depressed from 7 years old, etc. Yeah, I messed up a lot too. Being kinda mentally fucked up is why we're both here.

 

[fightclub17]

As much as it breaks my heart to hear someone else think or feel this way about themselves, I resonated with ever single thing you wrote. I feel like an absolute failure who's just dragging others down with me.

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, but you deserve true peace and happiness.
I hope you find the inner peace and relief.