Venting I am a living corpse

[suffering]

I feel like am impostor here, because I know I don't have the courage to ctb, probably I will never have it, although I tried and I want to.
Anyway I wanted to vent, because I have nobody to talk to. I can barely move around, although I am not sick. I sleep about 12 h per night, because dealing with reality is too much.
Going outside to take out the trash feels like an enormous task for which I barely feel psychologically prepared (and I am an adult who used to have responsibilities). I feel reduced to the mind of a sick child who regrets being born every day of his life.
Anyway I know this is a selfish rant, I add nothing constructive to this forum, but I feel so alone and lost and I needed this. :(

 

[Retched]

With you here, but forced to work so I am in terrifying conversations all day with people who haven't reduced their life to a living shell. It exhausts me because they are so nice and have great lives and do things and I'm here like, ummmmm, what day is it? Why am I still alive.

 

[huggablewinter]

I feel like am impostor here, because I know I don't have the courage to ctb, probably I will never have it, although I tried and I want to.
Anyway I wanted to vent, because I have nobody to talk to. I can barely move around, although I am not sick. I sleep about 12 h per night, because dealing with reality is too much.
Going outside to take out the trash feels like an enormous task for which I barely feel psychologically prepared (and I am an adult who used to have responsibilities). I feel reduced to the mind of a sick child who regrets being born every day of his life.
Anyway I know this is a selfish rant, I add nothing constructive to this forum, but I feel so alone and lost and I needed this. :(

I know exactly how this feels. I'm being propped up by pills. I'm sure if I went off them I would only be able to lay in my bed and suffer, too cowardly to do myself in which would be the appropriate thing to do. Reality is too much for me, too. I have to go to work tomorrow which feels like the most enormous task that I'm not at all prepared for.

I'm sure you have your reasons. It is what it is. You're not alone.

 

[Sinbad]

but I feel so alone and lost and I needed this. :(

As huggablewinter said, you are not alone. Starting this thread is a great idea to interact with other SS members. Also, feel free to PM anyone you feel comfortable with.

 

[gingerplum]

I feel like am impostor here, because I know I don't have the courage to ctb, probably I will never have it, although I tried and I want to.
Anyway I wanted to vent, because I have nobody to talk to. I can barely move around, although I am not sick. I sleep about 12 h per night, because dealing with reality is too much.
Going outside to take out the trash feels like an enormous task for which I barely feel psychologically prepared (and I am an adult who used to have responsibilities). I feel reduced to the mind of a sick child who regrets being born every day of his life.
Anyway I know this is a selfish rant, I add nothing constructive to this forum, but I feel so alone and lost and I needed this. :(

I think a lot of us know exactly how you feel. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't feel the need to do anything. Even then, there's no fulfillment, just sad, exhausted obligation. I think that I shouldn't kill myself now so they don't associate Christmas with their mother's suicide, but then, how much better is it to have a joyless, hollow-eyed shell of a mother, anyway? My house looks like a junkyard run by meth addicts, and I can't bring myself to care, much less make an effort to clean.

We all wish we had a button to press and wink us out of existence. You are not alone.

 

[Fucking loving it]

I'm holding on by a fucking thread. The only reason I haven't CTB yet is bc of my son. My thoughts seem to get more and more toxic by the day. I feel empty. I try my best but my best is either sleeping or sitting on the couch in front of the tv while I get my disability.