trustlovenoone1881
Member
- Oct 20, 2023
- 11
My first post since joining.
I have been fucking depressed and miserable...
I got fired from my job back in June and my bf broke up with me two months after. He complained that being with me was like being a third parent and not a partner. I feel horrible for making him so unhappy, especially because he never made me feel that way. I felt loved and I felt whole with him, and I wanted to get him back, but I feel like I won't. He's reached out and I think he thinks being friends will make all of this easier. It doesn't. I miss him even more. If I am striving towards anything, it's to show up for him.
I've been looking for work and can't find anyone that would hire me. Because I got fired, I don't feel as confident in my skills. Last week, I thought I had the job I wanted in the bag after my last interview, but got rejected two days later. I don't think I can file for unemployment because I took a severance package. If I could go back, I should've just left home the first chance I got. I wish I had that job back.
My family is trying to be encouraging and helpful, but it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I just keep burdening everyone. I'm unreliable, immature, and inconsistent, and I don't always speak up for myself the way I should. I'm always isolating myself from everyone else. I'm almost 25 and still without my license and a car. I've been a bad friend to my High School best friends, which hurts because they've definitely grown a lot. They're healing and starting families and being okay with life not being what we thought it would be. Why can't I be more like them? Same with my sisters. I have no idea what I strive to do anymore, and it just feels like if I don't have that same sense of hustle as the people around me, then I shouldn't be here, right? I want to have hope but hope just feels like a childlike thing to do.
I'm not as optimistic as I used to be when I was younger, and probably because I had no fucking idea what it took to be this put-together adult. I got distracted and lazy, and now I can't fix anything. I thought that as long as I tried and as long as I was being kind, then I'd always have a place in the world. But it no longer has anything to do with being a good person and more about being good enough. I lack the confidence to stand ten toes down and take up space.
This is the first time in my life that I haven't had any plan or pathway of what to do or where to go next. I take that as part of a sign, that maybe I have fulfilled my life's purpose. I went to the college I wanted to go to, despite the hefty amount of loans taken out that I couldn't afford. I was with someone I was and still am in love with. I wanted to write, I do it here and there. But I wasn't able to elevate any of these experiences and relationships into something memorable, honorable, something that would stick. Instead, I squandered all of it. I am an embarrassment, I am timid, and I am crazy and in my head all of the time, and I always end up choosing sadness.
I often worry that if reincarnation is a real thing, then I must've done something awful to deserve this misery and pain I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like this. I've contemplated what the afterlife is for sure, but for all I know, I probably deserve something cold and dark.
The truth is I've had this sinking feeling since I was a kid. Every happy moment since I was seven years old was always followed up with the same epiphany: this happiness you're feeling is only for now. It's only temporary. All of this is only temporary.
I can't go back in time to fix any of this, I can't start any of this over. I think it's time for me to start setting some plans in motion to CTB. I am grieving a lot and I have no idea how the people around me have been so strong enough to just keep going. Healing would mean letting go of the things I've always wanted, and still want, and that just doesn't seem fair. That feels so conceited on my part, I know. I think I keep going back and forth on methods because I keep considering if I deserve this pain. I'd prefer for it to be as painless as possible, something that would put me out in my sleep. Like that old lady in V for Vendetta, or even a tea or pill. If I fail to ctb, I don't think my family will ever forgive or trust me again, and I for damn sure won't get the love of my life back.
I have been fucking depressed and miserable...
I got fired from my job back in June and my bf broke up with me two months after. He complained that being with me was like being a third parent and not a partner. I feel horrible for making him so unhappy, especially because he never made me feel that way. I felt loved and I felt whole with him, and I wanted to get him back, but I feel like I won't. He's reached out and I think he thinks being friends will make all of this easier. It doesn't. I miss him even more. If I am striving towards anything, it's to show up for him.
I've been looking for work and can't find anyone that would hire me. Because I got fired, I don't feel as confident in my skills. Last week, I thought I had the job I wanted in the bag after my last interview, but got rejected two days later. I don't think I can file for unemployment because I took a severance package. If I could go back, I should've just left home the first chance I got. I wish I had that job back.
My family is trying to be encouraging and helpful, but it doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I just keep burdening everyone. I'm unreliable, immature, and inconsistent, and I don't always speak up for myself the way I should. I'm always isolating myself from everyone else. I'm almost 25 and still without my license and a car. I've been a bad friend to my High School best friends, which hurts because they've definitely grown a lot. They're healing and starting families and being okay with life not being what we thought it would be. Why can't I be more like them? Same with my sisters. I have no idea what I strive to do anymore, and it just feels like if I don't have that same sense of hustle as the people around me, then I shouldn't be here, right? I want to have hope but hope just feels like a childlike thing to do.
I'm not as optimistic as I used to be when I was younger, and probably because I had no fucking idea what it took to be this put-together adult. I got distracted and lazy, and now I can't fix anything. I thought that as long as I tried and as long as I was being kind, then I'd always have a place in the world. But it no longer has anything to do with being a good person and more about being good enough. I lack the confidence to stand ten toes down and take up space.
This is the first time in my life that I haven't had any plan or pathway of what to do or where to go next. I take that as part of a sign, that maybe I have fulfilled my life's purpose. I went to the college I wanted to go to, despite the hefty amount of loans taken out that I couldn't afford. I was with someone I was and still am in love with. I wanted to write, I do it here and there. But I wasn't able to elevate any of these experiences and relationships into something memorable, honorable, something that would stick. Instead, I squandered all of it. I am an embarrassment, I am timid, and I am crazy and in my head all of the time, and I always end up choosing sadness.
I often worry that if reincarnation is a real thing, then I must've done something awful to deserve this misery and pain I'm feeling. I don't want to feel like this. I've contemplated what the afterlife is for sure, but for all I know, I probably deserve something cold and dark.
The truth is I've had this sinking feeling since I was a kid. Every happy moment since I was seven years old was always followed up with the same epiphany: this happiness you're feeling is only for now. It's only temporary. All of this is only temporary.
I can't go back in time to fix any of this, I can't start any of this over. I think it's time for me to start setting some plans in motion to CTB. I am grieving a lot and I have no idea how the people around me have been so strong enough to just keep going. Healing would mean letting go of the things I've always wanted, and still want, and that just doesn't seem fair. That feels so conceited on my part, I know. I think I keep going back and forth on methods because I keep considering if I deserve this pain. I'd prefer for it to be as painless as possible, something that would put me out in my sleep. Like that old lady in V for Vendetta, or even a tea or pill. If I fail to ctb, I don't think my family will ever forgive or trust me again, and I for damn sure won't get the love of my life back.
