Venting I am a disappointment to my parents

[sea333]

I have no motivation or desire to work. Ideally I think I'd just like to settle down in a mundane and stable job, then go home and clock out. But my parents expect more from me. It's not that simple. I keep failing exams and neglecting work, and inevitably whenever I see my parents I feel super guilty. I had a talk with my mom last night, and she told me that she wants the best for me, that she stays up at night worrying about me, etc. I think that did it for me, I started crying right into the pillow.

I've been thinking about killing myself for a few months now. Other than my parents, I don't see the point in living. It seems really mundane and stupid but I don't think going through the ordeal of working and trying in life is worth it. It just seems like struggle after struggle after struggle with the slightest hint of the reward of happiness or excitement. There doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to at all. I just want to lie down in my bed and rot there for a long time. I wish it were easy to kill myself, like the click of a button. I wouldn't have to worry about leaving behind my anguished family or worry about the method not working or destroying me even further.

My social life is not that much better. I can't find it in me to socialize because I'm ugly. I'm not fat, just ugly. That's all it is. I was mocked consistently throughout my life for my appearance and I think I've had enough. I wish I were born a tall, smart, and attractive guy but I wasn't. I feel like a clown. While I sit here on my computer at 3 AM writing about what a failure I am, my peers are asleep, reserving their energy and having something to look forward to in the morning. Idk, I'm up right now because I have an exam in the morning that I totally forgot about. I'm probably going to wake up tired and do badly on it, no matter how much I study but I can't bring myself to go to sleep. There is nothing even remotely redeeming about myself, I think even to my own family. I am not convinced my parents really love me. I think they love the idea of me--their very own son, but I don't think they actually like me if that makes sense. They force themselves to love me and act kind to me because I'm their son, and they feel obligated to if that makes sense. I despise my miserable existence with every fiber of my being and I truly wish I was never born and I never existed and it was some other child that was born into my family instead.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

It's tough. You could have exam anxiety causing a lot of your problems. There's a guy called David Putwain who talks some sense on this subject. He's better on podcasts or articles than one of his books I bought, however (it's quite statistical and hard to read).

One last thing: **** school and everyone's expectations. I mean that just to try and lighten the burdens you're feeling. I don't mean spray graffiti all over your school or anything lol