Venting I am a coward

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I'm always thinking about ctb 24/7 and never attempt. I need to be more determined. The most difficult thing about SN is that you can't be impulsive because of the fasting and all hours it takes to prepare. But impulsiveness is what I need to do it once and for all. It's not like hanging or self shoot.
What is the point of working eating or exercising if you'll still feel unhappy and suicidal. All this seems pointless. I don't want to go on like this. This is not life. Waking up everyday and thinking of dying I'm tired of this. I am young and don't want to feel like this anymore. Just end it. I quitted university because I know I'll ctb so it doesn't make sense to keep on studying if I'm killing myself soon.

 

[Quarky00]

If "ctb courage" comes and goes , and does not last strongly more than 6h , maybe it's not right yet . I will never question your desire to ctb 24/7 , I know that's the way things are , but yeah it brings emotional turmoil that sometimes stops us

I don't think you need to be "more determined to die".. I understand where that came from . Tired of doubt , guilt , the SI , etc . It's okay give yourself time for these feelings Instead of "Yes/No" ups-and-downs try to find a balance . Accept your desire and live with it for now etc , I mean don't let it torment you even more (than you are) . You kinda guilting yourself to ctb (and sometimes vice versa)

 

[BillS]

I hope that you find peace and the inner strength to over come the problems that are tormenting you.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

All the days are the same. If don't ctb they will still be the same. Doesn't change anything. I want to stop this I am desperate. I do a lot of things to distravt myself. I go for a run, play in a band, work, listrn to music, watch movies but suicidal thoughts are still there and there is a huge wish in me to end my life. It's like the seed is already planted and it's growing to become a huge tree and finally I ctb.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I hear you, for me it´s because of extreme apathy and anhedonia so there is no drive to kill myself even though I know it´s the rational thing to do. I should have killed myself when I was still a teenager because the depression and racing teenage hormones was such a great drive to commit suicide now I feel nothing.