Story I always lied about my mental issues

[Brike]

Hello. I've been in depression since I'm 13 and I'm 27 now. I'd like to share my experience as I'm starting to seek for help.

I've been lying all my life about my mental issues. I always found excuses, like my mom ctb when I was 13 and I blame my father. That's part of the issue but I always hide the truth.
The reason why I made multiple attempts to ctb is that I always felt the sexual act was forbidden for me. For others it's perfectly fine but I can't.
It's my problem, in my head, so I have to blame myself first if I want to recover. This is the way I think. But I feel like I can't take it anymore and I want to blame someone else for now.
I have strong memories of my older sister hitting me since I was 4. She tried to educate me but she was just a little girl at the time.
She would always say no or get angry when a beautiful girl appeared on tv, telling me not to watch.
We used to take the bath together just like in my neighbor totoro. One day I looked down on her just to see. I knew she didn't have the same thing than me but I never really thought about it. She slapped me super hard and I didn't understand what happened.
I always had a very strict education and always congratulated for being calm, attentive, smart, doing what I'm told to and stay quiet.

I always had the best grades in school and was afraid to not be perfect. One day I heard my mom say that when I'd be 17 I'd want to go to strip clubs and that's normal, but in my head it was totally out of the question, I would never do that.

Time passes but the idea to be in a relationship still is impossible for me. I had my only girlfriend at 20 after she did all the work. She came to me, invited me at her place etc. When she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend I was shook, but I wanted to fight my problem. But I never could touch her. She was kind, smart, sexy, but I just felt pathetic. That's part of why I always hid the true story. Everyone saw me as a smart handsome polite man, I didn't want anyone to know about my pathetic mental issue.
After this experience I felt shittier than ever before, starting to drop university little by little. Bad grades, failed almost half years. It's been two years I dropped school and don't go out except for food or see my family 6 times a year. No friend.
Tried to ctb 3 times. Have my n in the closet now. That's the situation I'm in today.
I learned that my sister caught covid19 a few weeks ago and it made me think a lot. Somehow I realised that what's important is not to focus on the bad situation I'm in, but what I can do best. For the first time I don't feel awful at the idea of staying alive.
I'm not sure if inside I waited for her death or something. I'm still glad she recovered. I can't blame her for the mistakes she made when she was 9.
I feel so much regret when I look back at my life. I'm not sure what to do now.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

Having regrets can drive you nuts (what if I did this different? What if I did THAT different etc). At some point, you just gotta make peace with wherever you're at in life. And I'd like to think I've grown SOMEWHAT wiser than from what I was 10 years ago. Even if it's just a teeny weeny bit; if an EXACT similar situation were to occur, I would do it THIS way etc.

Anyway, it's good to hear you're doing better.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Regrets are the worst..
Im happy to read that you will give yourself and life another chance, that's not an easy thing to do, you made your first step, and I seriously want to hug you for that ( but that's part of the problem, so I won't)

I always had difficulty with intimate relationships, but I've learned, and still learn how to get rid of those feelings that make you so helpless.

If you ever need to talk, pm is always open :)

 

[dandan]

Regrets do suck and keep on sucking.

But I have found Testosterone and dianabol, and I'm 8 months depression free

What can I say, I spent from age 17 to 37 awfully

N, is still in the fridge, actually on a post where I was writing its about time, a guy named Dbol, here asked me to please try dianabol testo and excercise, and it did the trick!!! Thankyou SS!!!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Regrets do suck and keep on sucking.

But I have found Testosterone and dianabol, and I'm 8 months depression free

What can I say, I spent from age 17 to 37 awfully

N, is still in the fridge, actually on a post where I was writing its about time, a guy named Dbol, here asked me to please try dianabol testo and excercise, and it did the trick!!! Thankyou SS!!!

Really? I'm not sure if testosterone would be wise for a female. I actually asked my gp about hormones, but it seems he was born before the age of the dinosaurs. He thinks it's to risqué.

I'm asking again, when his younger replacement is in.

 

[Brike]

Yes regrets are the worst. They're easy to focus on and distract you from what's important.

It's been about a week since I feel better. I didn't try to get better, it just hit me with a sudden realisation. I'm a little shit and I can do better. I always hid behind my ego, telling me that my problems are caused by other people or events. Which is partially true, but it's not like I did the very best I could.
I hurt people and I felt too bad to explain. Instead of thinking that I had to become a better person, I used to think that it was because I was shy, because of my education. I only tried to understand why I was so bad, never recognized I could become better.

I feel so ashamed for giving up. I've been trained to succeed at everything but I never understood the concept of learning from my own mistakes. I had too much ego to recognize I was in the wrong, too busy thinking what happened to me was the fault of others.

I really am the worst. 14 years of depression, tentative to ctb, self isolation. And I feel better just like that. I'm still shit but I'm going to work so that I can tell myself I proud of myself. For now I won't focus on feeling better, I'll focus on becoming a better person.