antivita
Member
- Dec 30, 2018
- 26
I'm tired of being so incapable of talking to people. I had a meeting for a group project today and this one kid just really treated me like shit, dissing everything I tried to say and acting like I was an annoying moron. I'm offended and hurt but I also know that he's right. And now, for some reason, I feel that his dislike of me matters more than my dislike of him, so I can't even appreciate getting to be angry at someone for being rude. In my head everyone has the social upper hand, and I just view their opinion of me as more valid. The only thing that calmed me down from the small panic attack I had was reminding myself that "I'm going to kill myself. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters."
I know it's selfish and I would never do it in this way, but little things like that make me want to off myself immediately. Not to make them feel bad about how they treated me or whatever, because most people are perfectly nice and fine, but just to let other people know that I also hate myself. That I'm not just oblivious. I totally understand what I'm doing wrong socially and that I'm weird, but there's no way for me to tell people that without getting even more weird and way too personal. So killing myself would just be a way to tell people "I'm in on it! I get it! I'm more self-aware than you realized!"
I know it's selfish and I would never do it in this way, but little things like that make me want to off myself immediately. Not to make them feel bad about how they treated me or whatever, because most people are perfectly nice and fine, but just to let other people know that I also hate myself. That I'm not just oblivious. I totally understand what I'm doing wrong socially and that I'm weird, but there's no way for me to tell people that without getting even more weird and way too personal. So killing myself would just be a way to tell people "I'm in on it! I get it! I'm more self-aware than you realized!"