Venting I always feel lonely and pathetic

[hiki-loser]

I dont remember when it happened, but sometime when I was very young, I noticed feeling distinctly lonely. I didn't connect with other people. I could have fun some times still but there was always something in the back of my mind that made the interactions feel off, and then one day I realised they don't care about me. When something they say or do upsets me it's just a joke or i'm being too sensitive and I need to take it. When I turn it around on them it's over the line somehow. I worked this back towards my parents and I started remembering all the times they belittled me until I was crying as a small child, how terrible their relationship was, how they always argued and screamed and dragged any of us who happened to be there in to the middle of it. I remember my dad even made me stand on the glass of a cup i broke by accident as a child when they were yelling at each other and I was thirsty. My mum would encourage and nuture antisocial behaviours in me because of her own anxieties and paranoias.

Them and the shitty school and healthcare system is the reason I turned out how I did, the reason I could never connect with anyone, why I'm a paranoid coward. But then I did find someone I connected with. They didn't belittle me. They cared when they said something upsetting. And I spent so many good times with them for all the troubles we might've had. And now they left me all alone for reasons I don't full understand.

I am incredibly lonely and I don't know how to talk to people, I'm stuck living with my family, and while they're not as bad as they used to be they refuse to acknowledge we've had anything but a good upbringing. I've caught them in their contradictions and they just shut down and say they don't like to think about it. Think about fucking what? I thought nothing bad ever happened? No wonder I'm a pussy.

I could go on but I'm so tired. I just wish ending it was easier.

 

[endless_pain]

I understand you because it is more or less the same I lived throughout my childhood till today. It is a pain to endure for a long time and I feel how overwelming it could be to live with it. It's so sad that in this world there are people who have grown in sane families and so live a sane adulthood and us that we struggle so much to just survive, not even mentioning happiness and life.

 

[itsjustm3]

Man.. Loneliness kills me too. Kept wondering if I'll be less miserable if I had friends or the ability to socialised.

 

[hiki-loser]

thank you both for the sympathy, i appreciate it. feeling at ease around people so difficult.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that loneliness can be painful for so many in this world, but the unfortunate reality is that you cannot trust and rely on other people so I see it as being best to be alone. It's awful how humans just create more problems and suffering, most people are far too self centred to ever care about others.

 

[hiki-loser]

This is my vent thread so just going to post some more stuff i remember now.

My mum used to encourage me to do or say things that extended family wouldn't like, using me for petty pay back, I didnt really understand what i was saying or doing and i was just happy that i was doing something my family actually liked for once. It was terrible and contributed to deteriorating my relationships outside this immediate family and even within it amongst my siblings who did understand. She still sees nothing wrong with this, either it didnt happen or it was just harmless fun and so what, right?

Neither of them have been able to take some suggestion that what they're doing or have done is hurtful or wrong without it being some kind of unjust personal attack at their core. I can't believe people can live like that in to their 50s and just feel ok with themselves. I fucking hate myself.

 

[endofafoxtwo]

Man it sounds like those uncaring assholes are more worthy of being hated then you are. I am so sorry. :(

 

[hiki-loser]

i miss him so much. i dont understand why he left me before just trying to talk to me. before telling me what was wrong about what i was trying to do. i don't understand and i miss him so much. and I can't see a way to get SN easily here after looking in to it. I hate this place.

 

[Artictart]

I dont remember when it happened, but sometime when I was very young, I noticed feeling distinctly lonely. I didn't connect with other people. I could have fun some times still but there was always something in the back of my mind that made the interactions feel off, and then one day I realised they don't care about me. When something they say or do upsets me it's just a joke or i'm being too sensitive and I need to take it. When I turn it around on them it's over the line somehow. I worked this back towards my parents and I started remembering all the times they belittled me until I was crying as a small child, how terrible their relationship was, how they always argued and screamed and dragged any of us who happened to be there in to the middle of it. I remember my dad even made me stand on the glass of a cup i broke by accident as a child when they were yelling at each other and I was thirsty. My mum would encourage and nuture antisocial behaviours in me because of her own anxieties and paranoias.

Them and the shitty school and healthcare system is the reason I turned out how I did, the reason I could never connect with anyone, why I'm a paranoid coward. But then I did find someone I connected with. They didn't belittle me. They cared when they said something upsetting. And I spent so many good times with them for all the troubles we might've had. And now they left me all alone for reasons I don't full understand.

I am incredibly lonely and I don't know how to talk to people, I'm stuck living with my family, and while they're not as bad as they used to be they refuse to acknowledge we've had anything but a good upbringing. I've caught them in their contradictions and they just shut down and say they don't like to think about it. Think about fucking what? I thought nothing bad ever happened? No wonder I'm a pussy.

I could go on but I'm so tired. I just wish ending it was easier.

Going through the same thing, my childhood was more tame but it was still bad. I can't go out and socialize, I have no social skills and i don't know how to talk to people. Everything has me stuck in my room all day everyday to stay away from my family. I feel so trapped and alone, pinned in one spot with no means to get out at the moment.

This is my vent thread so just going to post some more stuff i remember now.

My mum used to encourage me to do or say things that extended family wouldn't like, using me for petty pay back, I didnt really understand what i was saying or doing and i was just happy that i was doing something my family actually liked for once. It was terrible and contributed to deteriorating my relationships outside this immediate family and even within it amongst my siblings who did understand. She still sees nothing wrong with this, either it didnt happen or it was just harmless fun and so what, right?

Neither of them have been able to take some suggestion that what they're doing or have done is hurtful or wrong without it being some kind of unjust personal attack at their core. I can't believe people can live like that in to their 50s and just feel ok with themselves. I fucking hate myself.

Some parents aren't deserving of children. I hope they realize what they've done to you and feel bad about it eventually. None of it is your fault, you don't have a reason to hate yourself, I wish the best for you and your relationships with other family. Hopefully they can be fixed one day <3

 

[Bigsmoke777]

This is my vent thread so just going to post some more stuff i remember now.

My mum used to encourage me to do or say things that extended family wouldn't like, using me for petty pay back, I didnt really understand what i was saying or doing and i was just happy that i was doing something my family actually liked for once. It was terrible and contributed to deteriorating my relationships outside this immediate family and even within it amongst my siblings who did understand. She still sees nothing wrong with this, either it didnt happen or it was just harmless fun and so what, right?

Neither of them have been able to take some suggestion that what they're doing or have done is hurtful or wrong without it being some kind of unjust personal attack at their core. I can't believe people can live like that in to their 50s and just feel ok with themselves. I fucking hate myself.

It's as if they're aware of it by shutting down, saying they dont want to talk about it and acting like it was harmless. It seems to me that they're completely dismissive of your emotions and how they have affected you. I'm so sorry. My mom recently encouraged some sort of psychosis or something in me from bipolar disorder or idk what exactly, but she would encourage insane behavior and tell me I could change the world while I drew weird hindu symbols on my caucasian head and made a complete fool of myself. Shes always done me like this, then called me crazy behind my back. I dont understand man. You're supposed to be able to trust a parent. I'm definitely a joke, but to be encouraged to be a joke by my mom idk. When you need extra help so you get shitted on as a child. What do they expect to happen? Oh wait lol who cares it's no biggy! We shoulda known better at age 10 than them at age 40. They dont even get partial blame as a bad parent. Maybe they deserve to watch us ctb...

 

[ColdPhoenix]

This is my vent thread so just going to post some more stuff i remember now.

My mum used to encourage me to do or say things that extended family wouldn't like, using me for petty pay back, I didnt really understand what i was saying or doing and i was just happy that i was doing something my family actually liked for once. It was terrible and contributed to deteriorating my relationships outside this immediate family and even within it amongst my siblings who did understand. She still sees nothing wrong with this, either it didnt happen or it was just harmless fun and so what, right?

Neither of them have been able to take some suggestion that what they're doing or have done is hurtful or wrong without it being some kind of unjust personal attack at their core. I can't believe people can live like that in to their 50s and just feel ok with themselves. I fucking hate myself.

You can't make the world just, unfortunately. You can't convince everyone of their wrongdoing, and frankly, you don't gain much from it, either. You should care about your own sense of justice. Obviously, you being manipulated as a child doesn't count. Just don't let unfairness and manipulation distract you from who you are internally, who you aspire to be, and what inner peace means to you. There's nothing more you can do for this hell of a world.

 

[katara]

I get it, I have always felt behind. As time has passed I'm even more behind everyone my age. I don't know how to talk to people at all. Whenever I've tried reaching out to ppl who appeared to have similar interests as me, they weren't interested in talking for very long.
For me it started pretty young, first time i remember feeling lonely was when i was a child in maybe 2nd or 3rd grade. When did it start for you? I wonder if some of us are just born this way. idk what else it could be.