_elliott
sweet adeline.
- Apr 24, 2021
- 148
i have to get ready for work in 30 minutes. sorry if this sounds rushed.
i got drunk last night with a couple of friends--it was all fine for like, two hours or so. talking out loud with friends about whatever--flirting with one of them in dms, sounds weird but yeah, normal shit. off and on relationship junk with one of them--i'll clarify that. i'll call him r for simplicity.
at the tail end of the call before it got crazy i could tell i was making people uncomfortable--i don't remember everything the best but i was being drunkenly sexual-that's the best i can remember it being; though still i think, everything was okay.
then i don't know why---content warning, i guess-- but all of a sudden i pulled out a boxcutter--a small one, and just fucking went ham. self harmed once or twice on camera. and then shut my camera off realizing what i had done for a moment but i also forgot to mute and just did it even more. like a lot more. way more. covered in my own blood at this point. fucking freaking everyone out. r's last message of "i want to bliss you out today in love" suddenly being, "dude, what the fuck is going on," and my drunken ass just responding i was going to shower.
schizo stuff happens in the shower- one of my delusions which i haven't seen in 3 months now i think at this point comes and talks out of me. practically i'm babbling crazily to myself in the shower, telling myself how to fix this all, how stupid i am, mix of emotions rapidly. i'm trying so hard to sober up it's insane. i get out and immediately the plan fails, because r is telling me all this shit about how worried and triggered i made him feel as he's been affected with SH in the past--and immediately i go with, "i'm a good person, i didn't mean to do this, this isn't what i wanted, we're friends right? you love me right?" over and over until he just straight up tells me to not message him again until he does first.
i don't know why this happens. i don't know why this always happens. i always mess this shit up. i've been trying so hard to keep it all under wraps, to be a good person but i threw that aside and got drunk. i'm not going to act like the victim here, unlike how i texted him while drunk. i realize that's where i messed up, because drunk or not, me acting like such a victim last night was not right to do, ect. and now i'm left with this, i was a person i told myself i was never going to be with anyone else. i broke so many boundaries it's insane. i'm practically in love with this guy and now what the fuck am i supposed to do? what if we're not even friends after this? of course, if that's what's best with him, i want that, but i also can't deny how selfish i am and how i don't want that to happen. but putting on damage control and trying to kiss ass or whatever i want myself to do to salvage anything is not good either. it's this mix within myself of wanting to be a good person and wanting my cake and eating it too.
who am i supposed to go to for this shit? i keep all of it in wraps. i rarely talk about how much i want to die, but in doing that it's eating me up inside and leading to more and more mental breakdowns where i do ruin shit in other ways. i always make r upset. this isn't just a one time thing. i'm always this toxic friend to this guy and i don't want to be that to him, you know? i just want to be a good person. how am i supposed to want to live if i cannot even do that one thing? why is it so hard to be that one thing??
i'm just sitting here thinking about how much i want to die and how much i need help but i can't even reach out for help healthily. i have all the pills i could take to kill myself in an instant but i'm too scared to do that. both are unignorable. and i need to go to a mental hospital but christ, that's not going to actually help is it? so what do i have here, if any positive self-help i do have is just toxic for the other person?
no matter how hard i try, you know? it's insane. it's just insane. i'm dissociating constantly, working a job i hate, pretending with r to be in this happy whatever with him while he has a girlfriend who he loves way more than me, for FAIR reasons, and i'm just pitifully alone. like. how am i supposed to keep living? the fear of dying cannot stop me for too long, can it???? right???
just a mess. this is all a mess. i just am trying my best and no matter what i do it just feels that every condition is always set to make me fail. i know what's going to happen next with r and it's either we're going to pretend and ignore this or the friend/relation/ship is just going to end. what then right? what do i do then? just accept that? i know i'm young and blah, expecting shit to last long like that is pretty idiotic, but christ. it wasn't just an innocent fading apart. it was preventable. all on me. i just cannot please anyone including myself. what the hell do i do here, y'know?
anyways sorry for the long post but this is probably my lowest point right now and i needed to get it out somewhere without hurting the people i love again. it's fine if no one has any advice -- i'm not really asking, just getting shit off my chest. this is so hard. my arm hurts so, so fucking bad. my uniform is short sleeved. pray i don't get bugged about it. looks like a cat went fucking wild on me.
thank you.
i got drunk last night with a couple of friends--it was all fine for like, two hours or so. talking out loud with friends about whatever--flirting with one of them in dms, sounds weird but yeah, normal shit. off and on relationship junk with one of them--i'll clarify that. i'll call him r for simplicity.
at the tail end of the call before it got crazy i could tell i was making people uncomfortable--i don't remember everything the best but i was being drunkenly sexual-that's the best i can remember it being; though still i think, everything was okay.
then i don't know why---content warning, i guess-- but all of a sudden i pulled out a boxcutter--a small one, and just fucking went ham. self harmed once or twice on camera. and then shut my camera off realizing what i had done for a moment but i also forgot to mute and just did it even more. like a lot more. way more. covered in my own blood at this point. fucking freaking everyone out. r's last message of "i want to bliss you out today in love" suddenly being, "dude, what the fuck is going on," and my drunken ass just responding i was going to shower.
schizo stuff happens in the shower- one of my delusions which i haven't seen in 3 months now i think at this point comes and talks out of me. practically i'm babbling crazily to myself in the shower, telling myself how to fix this all, how stupid i am, mix of emotions rapidly. i'm trying so hard to sober up it's insane. i get out and immediately the plan fails, because r is telling me all this shit about how worried and triggered i made him feel as he's been affected with SH in the past--and immediately i go with, "i'm a good person, i didn't mean to do this, this isn't what i wanted, we're friends right? you love me right?" over and over until he just straight up tells me to not message him again until he does first.
i don't know why this happens. i don't know why this always happens. i always mess this shit up. i've been trying so hard to keep it all under wraps, to be a good person but i threw that aside and got drunk. i'm not going to act like the victim here, unlike how i texted him while drunk. i realize that's where i messed up, because drunk or not, me acting like such a victim last night was not right to do, ect. and now i'm left with this, i was a person i told myself i was never going to be with anyone else. i broke so many boundaries it's insane. i'm practically in love with this guy and now what the fuck am i supposed to do? what if we're not even friends after this? of course, if that's what's best with him, i want that, but i also can't deny how selfish i am and how i don't want that to happen. but putting on damage control and trying to kiss ass or whatever i want myself to do to salvage anything is not good either. it's this mix within myself of wanting to be a good person and wanting my cake and eating it too.
who am i supposed to go to for this shit? i keep all of it in wraps. i rarely talk about how much i want to die, but in doing that it's eating me up inside and leading to more and more mental breakdowns where i do ruin shit in other ways. i always make r upset. this isn't just a one time thing. i'm always this toxic friend to this guy and i don't want to be that to him, you know? i just want to be a good person. how am i supposed to want to live if i cannot even do that one thing? why is it so hard to be that one thing??
i'm just sitting here thinking about how much i want to die and how much i need help but i can't even reach out for help healthily. i have all the pills i could take to kill myself in an instant but i'm too scared to do that. both are unignorable. and i need to go to a mental hospital but christ, that's not going to actually help is it? so what do i have here, if any positive self-help i do have is just toxic for the other person?
no matter how hard i try, you know? it's insane. it's just insane. i'm dissociating constantly, working a job i hate, pretending with r to be in this happy whatever with him while he has a girlfriend who he loves way more than me, for FAIR reasons, and i'm just pitifully alone. like. how am i supposed to keep living? the fear of dying cannot stop me for too long, can it???? right???
just a mess. this is all a mess. i just am trying my best and no matter what i do it just feels that every condition is always set to make me fail. i know what's going to happen next with r and it's either we're going to pretend and ignore this or the friend/relation/ship is just going to end. what then right? what do i do then? just accept that? i know i'm young and blah, expecting shit to last long like that is pretty idiotic, but christ. it wasn't just an innocent fading apart. it was preventable. all on me. i just cannot please anyone including myself. what the hell do i do here, y'know?
anyways sorry for the long post but this is probably my lowest point right now and i needed to get it out somewhere without hurting the people i love again. it's fine if no one has any advice -- i'm not really asking, just getting shit off my chest. this is so hard. my arm hurts so, so fucking bad. my uniform is short sleeved. pray i don't get bugged about it. looks like a cat went fucking wild on me.
thank you.
