Crushed_Innocence
Hungry Ghost
- Oct 16, 2019
- 423
Greetings SS Fam,
I realized I was moving slower than I'd wanted, in executing the items on my "final to do list" that would make my plan of self-deliverance complete. I have moved past religious indoctrination of afterlife fears, I truly have nothing worth continuing to live in a perpetual state of emotional agony, why then..... Sadness? My desire is to be happy as fuck, clicking my heels together in mid air to exit this train-wreck of an exsistence on planet earth. I realized it was MOURNING...... The sadness isn't so much about having to leave...But mourning that life that I wanted so bad and never got to experince. There isn't enough hope, optimism or emotional energy to keep me alive to "try one more time" --- Thoughts like "... maybe my dream is just right around the corner and if I kill myself now I'll miss it..." What was my dream? To find a partner to share my life with. To be a supportive, kind, passionate, lover and companion to my best freind and soul mate. Nothing else in this life mattered to me for reason of my traumatic childhood and life but anyway.... I realized that the final blow, right at the end, for it to seem like I had my chance and to have it evaporate---- I felt like I was soooo close. There was a fleeting surge of the will to "level-up" and give the game one last spin. I'm running on fumes. I've been wading this ocean of despair and my muscles have simply given out--- And so I mourn..... I mourn all the cuddles, dancing, passionate sex, laughing like kids watching silly videos till 4am, celebrating milestones like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays..... Becoming a better person from being loyal and patient with ones life-partner, allowing the struggles to enhance where strengths and weaknesses compliment one another...... I loved to cook, organize, entertain guests, craft........ Ready to be devoted... In 40 years..... All I got was rejection, rejection, rejection..... used and disposed of without a second thought. I know that I am in the catagory of "undesireables" in my culture. And I'm sick of it. There is nowhere on this planet I can go to feel like I'm not at the bottom of somebody's caste, totem-pole, or league.... Nope. Fuck that. I mourn ever getting proposed to on the beach, I mourn I'll never get flowers from a guy, I mourn I'll never get to feel like a prom queen, never feel valued or wanted or worth a gentlman's pursuit. I'm too messed up for it anyway. Now that this is out of the way...... I really hope nothing else will pop up that makes me feel like I need to spend more days in utter torment in this lockdown in absolute isolation. Sometime between May 22-June 5th. From todays post that is between 18-32 days.... Feels like forever.... I hope I complete this mourning and look forward with joy to fading to black......
I realized I was moving slower than I'd wanted, in executing the items on my "final to do list" that would make my plan of self-deliverance complete. I have moved past religious indoctrination of afterlife fears, I truly have nothing worth continuing to live in a perpetual state of emotional agony, why then..... Sadness? My desire is to be happy as fuck, clicking my heels together in mid air to exit this train-wreck of an exsistence on planet earth. I realized it was MOURNING...... The sadness isn't so much about having to leave...But mourning that life that I wanted so bad and never got to experince. There isn't enough hope, optimism or emotional energy to keep me alive to "try one more time" --- Thoughts like "... maybe my dream is just right around the corner and if I kill myself now I'll miss it..." What was my dream? To find a partner to share my life with. To be a supportive, kind, passionate, lover and companion to my best freind and soul mate. Nothing else in this life mattered to me for reason of my traumatic childhood and life but anyway.... I realized that the final blow, right at the end, for it to seem like I had my chance and to have it evaporate---- I felt like I was soooo close. There was a fleeting surge of the will to "level-up" and give the game one last spin. I'm running on fumes. I've been wading this ocean of despair and my muscles have simply given out--- And so I mourn..... I mourn all the cuddles, dancing, passionate sex, laughing like kids watching silly videos till 4am, celebrating milestones like anniversaries, birthdays, holidays..... Becoming a better person from being loyal and patient with ones life-partner, allowing the struggles to enhance where strengths and weaknesses compliment one another...... I loved to cook, organize, entertain guests, craft........ Ready to be devoted... In 40 years..... All I got was rejection, rejection, rejection..... used and disposed of without a second thought. I know that I am in the catagory of "undesireables" in my culture. And I'm sick of it. There is nowhere on this planet I can go to feel like I'm not at the bottom of somebody's caste, totem-pole, or league.... Nope. Fuck that. I mourn ever getting proposed to on the beach, I mourn I'll never get flowers from a guy, I mourn I'll never get to feel like a prom queen, never feel valued or wanted or worth a gentlman's pursuit. I'm too messed up for it anyway. Now that this is out of the way...... I really hope nothing else will pop up that makes me feel like I need to spend more days in utter torment in this lockdown in absolute isolation. Sometime between May 22-June 5th. From todays post that is between 18-32 days.... Feels like forever.... I hope I complete this mourning and look forward with joy to fading to black......
