miserableburner
angel brought down
- Mar 11, 2023
- 4
It's been five months since I've given a pointlessdrawn out post to this beautiful but miserable website but here I am! The one and only miserableburner, this time in paranoia induced shock. Everything is becoming horribly unpleasant and it's entirely my own fault for not furthering my options in life. I feel like a small child held at knifepoint with people surrounding me, meant to be guarding me but instead peeking at me like I am a specimen. With this time of year, it's notorious for being unpleasant, seasonal depression blankets half the nation but I am feeling a special sort of dread I haven't in a while. I feel naked in the way I got my nice, clean white clothes ripped away from me and the epidermis of my skin brought with it, I have not lost any blood and shock or hypothermia are more likely to kill me because I'm so cold. Every waking second, metaphorically and literally I am so cold. I cannot stop shivering and I am absolutely horrified. Unfortunately, my body is getting sicker, in the least pleasant way possible, so instead of vomiting and having anything that will actually kill me, I am getting chills, sore throats, stomach aches and common cold symptoms almost daily. I have relapsed back into anorexia as a method of slowly killing myself in hopes my body will react negatively and take me with a heart attack at my young age or perhaps something better like malnourishment, even though I am not skinny enough, I have willpower. I have been going without food most days of the week and I think that is sufficient enough my health will choose to decline, but in the meantime I am dealing with too many ailments. I will post this, alongside something in pairing that makes sense to put up that I wrote a few weeks ago but chose not to and forgot about it. I feel cold on the inside of my body, too, every orifice, and I am hoping that means death may be faster, not to be edgy. I want something to take me and I am too cowardly to do it, simply for the reason despite knowing I won't have any luck I may just leave some sort of impact if I do die. I have someone in my life just close enough to me my death would be driven as mild tragedy, someone who I selfishly know just tolerates me enough but is not in love with me, someone I know who may see this, and that is why I have not given up on the burden of cowardice. I only exist to help people and that is all I am good for, and if I were to say this I would not get the reaction I hope for of true pity without the price of giving something in return, selfish me, it would just mean I am a nuisance breaking the illusion. I do not want to be a nuisance, I do want to die in peace and have it be called an accident. I hope I go out agonizingly, I hope for pain always. I want to go out soon, but I know there are people who wish for death more than I and I would only be lucky if I got to feel the fear of truly dying in the moment, especially if that fear were warranted. I wish someone would look at me, and acknowledge me, and if anyone could ever be proud of me for anything that is not letting them feed off the fruits of my labors, peel my skin until I'm cold and worn and useless and put to the side. Suck the juices from my skin and let me be of use, and only find pride in me when I go out courageously and in pain. I am so cold. I will wander until I find some reason to look forward to and someone to be proud, and perhaps I will succumb on my walk.
