It's my innate desire to help others, i feel emotionally fulfilled when i do. But there is no way for me to help them. Simple as that. First of all, you can only really help people with money. I have no talents in either making money for myself or talents which would allow me to manipulate how it's used. I'm simply not intelligent enough. I'm "intelligent" enough to recognize the suffering and torment all around me, but too dumb and useless to do anything about it.
I know from experience that most people are less moral than me, on average. That kind of takes away any happiness i get from generally "being nice" to others. I mean like completely. When i was a bit younger and couldn't see this, i could at least get some happiness from being friendly to people around me. And life wasn't particularly fulfilling even then. Now my existence is totally useless misery. I wonder if back then my brain just refused to see the reality as it was, as some kind of a self-defence mechanism. I can't close my eyes anymore, i'm not able to do that, even if i wanted.
I don't think i've ever known a happy person. I certainly am not a one but i don't think anyone else is either. Most people are being torn apart by contradictory feelings and impulses. They survive by lying to themselves and each other that their little lives matter. Or they make theirs matter by committing a crime against somebody else like bringing a person in this world. Honestly, i don't see much difference between this and committing a murder.
I am so terribly, totally alone in all this. Even if i wasn't alone, there would be nothing you could say, or do for me.
I know from experience that most people are less moral than me, on average. That kind of takes away any happiness i get from generally "being nice" to others. I mean like completely. When i was a bit younger and couldn't see this, i could at least get some happiness from being friendly to people around me. And life wasn't particularly fulfilling even then. Now my existence is totally useless misery. I wonder if back then my brain just refused to see the reality as it was, as some kind of a self-defence mechanism. I can't close my eyes anymore, i'm not able to do that, even if i wanted.
I don't think i've ever known a happy person. I certainly am not a one but i don't think anyone else is either. Most people are being torn apart by contradictory feelings and impulses. They survive by lying to themselves and each other that their little lives matter. Or they make theirs matter by committing a crime against somebody else like bringing a person in this world. Honestly, i don't see much difference between this and committing a murder.
I am so terribly, totally alone in all this. Even if i wasn't alone, there would be nothing you could say, or do for me.
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