Venting hyper empathy is killing me

[dreamingofpeace]

when i was a kid crying to my mum cus i couldnt stop seeing dead bodies and she had the "we're sensitive" talk w me i learned so fast to hate that word sensitivve but she was right its not her fault no one else knows what that word means and makes it sound like a joke. i try to recover from things and work thru my pain but that just opens me up to feeling everything i worked so hard to block out to survive. just spent idk how long crying in a heap on the floor cus i cant catch a fly and take it outside because im so fucking sick of death im sick of bodies everywhere and im sick of killing animals just so i can keep a fucking house clean i dont fucjing want to put salt in the bin. i dont want to but if i dont the fucking air will be black with flies and ill have to kill them all anyway and ill be sick for months. and i dont think killing flies makes someone a bad person because i understand human cognition and morality but that dont stop me being a murderer cus my personal wiring tells me i am. im so sick of influencers and fucking qanon tradwives saying "empaths" are better than everyone else no they arent no they fcuking arent. it makes it so much harder to be a good person if u have hyperempathy because ur entire life is dictated by the fear of hurting others u end up removing urself from situations where u can help people and lying about ur life being worse than it is to protect ur brain from hating itself more. i drained my bank account helping people and my brain doesnt wanna sttop til im dead because if i have it better than literaly anyone on earth i dont deserve to exist but i dont wanna go back to lying so i just gotta spiral over how much i want it to stop and then get up and do the fuckin dishes. i spent my whole childhood learning to ignore that there was animals suffocating on each others bodies and burning to death above my head every single day of my life because if you cry and beg the teacher to break open the flourescent light and let the flies out ur insane and "sensitive" and everyone laughs at you. no one fucking cares and theyll smash them to death in front of you and laugh and tell you to pray for them. and the same people that see flies as just flies get to call me a murderer for eating meat when i physically cannot restrict any part of my diet or ill starve myself. the part that hurts the most is that if i talk about it no one sees it as real trauma they cant cus they think it cheapens the word. like ok as a kid i was raped and burnt and brainwashed and im telling u this is real trauma because if i wanna keep living i have the option of either numbing myself forever or starving to death in a gutter cus im too sensitive to function in this stupid fucking hell world. how the fuck am i gonna get by if i fall apart when i cant catch a fly. i cant even talk to people about the parts of this that they might consider real trauma cus id have to then tell people im jewish and the first shrink i tried to vent to about people in my life falling for qanon conspiracy shit was like "well jews kind of do run the world tho dont they" so no im not fucking talking about generational trauma to a therapist that could physically put me and my familys life in danger and i cant even report them without confirming their beliefs that im so powerful i can get them in trouble or whatever. anyway im fine lol ill be fine everything s fine. i cant kill myself cus theres no way in hell im leaving my disabled brother alone w my keto obsessed parents so. life goes on