finish.me
I need you to feel this
- Jul 14, 2021
- 142
i dealt with depression from a pretty early age, 5th grade and onward, and i sometimes think i never really caught on to the whole taking care of yourself thing. i did the bare minimum back then because i didn't have a reason to try any harder than just putting on deodorant in the morning and wearing a uniform to school. when i'm in better moods im pretty capable, i can clean a little, i can brush my teeth, etc. but brushing my hair/taking care of my skin or wearing the right clothes or bathing frequently enough never set in because the symptoms of being suicidal from that early on have just become, habits? shit cleanliness. shit social skills. shit energy, regardless of how well im feeling. this is a huge tmi but my bathroom is disgusting right now. i dont have even the slightest motivation to clean it. i get tired just thinking about it so (tmi again) i've been pissing in the sink and using my parents bathroom to shit. i can't. fucking. take care of myself. i think its because im very disgusted with my body and having to face it, and also just the human body itself is deeply nasty to me? isnt that weird?? i hate cleaning because i hate dirt and grime, which is something that can literally get rid of by cleaning. but theres no energy. i can't clean consistently. i get random manic episodes where i clean everything in sight and tell myself ok great! this time, i just have to pick up little things and clean shit when i'm done with it so it's nicely maintained. and then not even three or four days later i'm living in trash.. im gonna be moving in with my boyfriend soon and this is something that i find absolutely repulsive about myself. im hopeful things will be different because the enviornment ill be living in wont be scary and abusive but i dont know. i want to be clean i desperately want to feel clean i want to have a clean living space and clean skin and hair!! i hate this