My husband and I went out to dinner last Friday. During dinner I was hinting about how bad my mental state is and trying to stay alive. I said I don't think I'll be around much longer. His reaction was to say "stop it, you are fine" . Im not sure how to take that reaction. He will realize that I'm not fine when I never come home from my "business trip" in a few weeks. I don't want sympathy from him but his reaction kind of surprised me. It helps at least with any guilt for leaving him like this. Im probably overthinking it but he seemed like he was just blowing it off as if it was a minor thing. Oh well, I'm making preparations again for my 2nd attempt. Im determined to conquer SI.
My mother similarly brushed me off when I tried to make it evidently clear that I want to, and will go ahead with CTB.
To be fair to our loved ones however, how can they truly understand the depth of our mental anguish just by our words alone? When my best friend confided in me that all she wants to do is die a few weeks before her CTB, I must admit at the time I did not really take it seriously because in spite of my own Depression, I was not yet in the headspace of knowing what it is like to reach that point of no return. Now I am there, I don't think it's possible for me to express how this feels and I am quite a wordy person who can put every emotion into my thoughts. I think what is going on here is twofold: 1) Those closest to you prefer to be in denial of your feelings because they would rather you "put up and shut up" than create all this drama in their lives and 2) wanting to CTB is too far removed from their thought process to even comprehend what you are saying.
That all said, if my partner said to me "stop it, you are fine" I would boil with internal rage. To deny feelings with such a flippant remark would make me want to stab a knife in my stomach because such emotion would quell up inside of me and I would need to feel like killing it to remain calm.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this type of emotional rejection.
To be fair to our loved ones however, how can they truly understand the depth of our mental anguish just by our words alone? When my best friend confided in me that all she wants to do is die a few weeks before her CTB, I must admit at the time I did not really take it seriously because in spite of my own Depression, I was not yet in the headspace of knowing what it is like to reach that point of no return. Now I am there, I don't think it's possible for me to express how this feels and I am quite a wordy person who can put every emotion into my thoughts. I think what is going on here is twofold: 1) Those closest to you prefer to be in denial of your feelings because they would rather you "put up and shut up" than create all this drama in their lives and 2) wanting to CTB is too far removed from their thought process to even comprehend what you are saying.
That all said, if my partner said to me "stop it, you are fine" I would boil with internal rage. To deny feelings with such a flippant remark would make me want to stab a knife in my stomach because such emotion would quell up inside of me and I would need to feel like killing it to remain calm.
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this type of emotional rejection.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,187
Often making conversation about our suffering can never achieve anything as others cannot understand what we go through because it's impossible for them to experience life the same way. Those who are not suicidal or are not suffering in any way likely cannot even come close to understanding. Also, I believe that many people live in denial of how awful life can get for others as accepting the cruel reality of this existence is too much for them to bear so they would rather just believe that everything will be 'fine', as it makes them feel better.
whitefeather
Thank the gods for Death
- Apr 23, 2020
- 516
universe
Experienced
- Jul 15, 2022
- 241
I completely understand what you are going through. Again this week I said that I did not plan to stay long, that even being alive made me suffer from someone very close. I have always been honest about the fact that I counted CTB one day or another. And this person said to me "but no you're just having a little depression about nothing at all". Too bad, I've already told them many times that I was not well, they don't want to listen, it's their problem if they don't shock them afterwards. They will understand when I leave, as I hope in a few months.
And such reactions are not uncommon. I just think these people just don't want to listen to us or are in denial, don't imagine that's possible. We are not the monsters who kept everything to ourselves and left selfishly. The signs are clearly visible. And the worst part is that it's super violent, as @madiroze rightly said.
And such reactions are not uncommon. I just think these people just don't want to listen to us or are in denial, don't imagine that's possible. We are not the monsters who kept everything to ourselves and left selfishly. The signs are clearly visible. And the worst part is that it's super violent, as @madiroze rightly said.
Good points. I'm not mad or anything, just surprised but I probably shouldn't be. It will still be a shock for him when he gets the call from the police about me. I'm just tired of talking about ctbing. I need to just finally do it and be gone. Hopefully he will understand and forgive me.
I don't think he will get in the way but I'm to nervous to confirm that. He knows I'm suicidal at least.
WhatPowerIs
Paragon
- Jun 19, 2022
- 958
Yes I am wondering about this too… what would his reaction be if you were to tell him outright about what's going on?
I think it would scare him but I'm afraid if I say anything he might have me put into a mental facility which I don't want. My last experience there was not helpful. Plus I'm done with trying to get better.
whitefeather
Thank the gods for Death
- Apr 23, 2020
- 516
Sorry to hear that, i don't know him obviously but it's not an empathetic response. I only hope you feel better soon.
whitefeather
Thank the gods for Death
- Apr 23, 2020
- 516
7 words say it all for humans - "Forgive me " "I'm Sorry" and "I love You"
makethepainstop
Visionary
- Sep 16, 2022
- 2,032
They all brush us off when we talk about it. But once we are gone watch the damn tears, they shed!
Just a few more weeks left and he will find out. I'm guessing because I haven't done it yet he thinks then I won't do it. I've only stayed because of him, I didn't want to screw up his plans. Now I'm just going to finally do it.
Callie Arcale
It’s a tale told by an idiot signifying nothing
- Feb 10, 2021
- 854
Before having suicidal ideation myself, I probably would have answered something similar if someone close to me ever said they wouldn't be around much longer.
You have to remember that non-suicidal people don't understand what we are going through - which is perfectly normal. How could they?
I broached the subject with my ex a couple of times. He always gave me the "you need to be on meds and locked up in a psychiatric ward" bullshit. It was like talking to a wall. Zero communication.
You have to remember that non-suicidal people don't understand what we are going through - which is perfectly normal. How could they?
I broached the subject with my ex a couple of times. He always gave me the "you need to be on meds and locked up in a psychiatric ward" bullshit. It was like talking to a wall. Zero communication.
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leeloosnow
Warlock
- Aug 28, 2022
- 725
it does really suck that ppl don't take ctb seriously irl, until we actually do it. i've hinted a little abt it to some ppl, and said things in a joking-but-serious kinda way, and nobody ever thinks anything of it. just because i smile and act cordial most the time, and i tell ppl that i'm like, over the edge mentally, that part gets ignored. i'm sry you had that reception to such a serious convo <3
Yeah, I guess it's all about perspective. It at leasts helps me with guilt. I don't feel as guilty about leaving which honestly helps me with getting over si
tiny_dancer
Student
- Aug 23, 2022
- 137
I definitely think it's a strong denial thing, or a defense mechanism. It does NOT make your husband's reaction ok, but I think it's just such an unfathomable thing to them that they think those are just empty words, or that if they acknowledge it, it will make it real. I have gotten a nearly identical response from my husband. Or he just gets angry and walks away. He hates that I ruin the day with my "negative talk". I really think deep down it's because he can't face that reality. I do think often our loved ones don't really think we will go through with it. It's so unfortunate that they will have to be surprised when it actually happens.
Minibosterita
Just trying to fill the void
- Mar 9, 2021
- 59
My ex was the same, he didn't believe how deep in a hole I was until my attempt. He knew about my history and still kept acting like I was going to be fine. I learned my lesson though, just don't cry out for help and slip away quietly next time.
I think it is largely to do with this. I think- if people see we have continued to push on through despite being depressed in the past, they just assume we'll continue to do so.
Plus, I hate to say it but I think people just get fed up with it. I once talked to a wonderful insightful lady and was describing my Dad's reaction- and she replied- 'he's bored with it all... although that doesn't help you.'
It's sad. You kind of hope people will be supportive but I think some people want to just stick their heads in the sand- they simply can't cope with the really intense stuff. Not necessarily because they don't care. Perhaps because they do care but feel like they can't help. Think maybe he's telling you 'you're fine' in the hopes you might believe it yourself.
locked*n*loaded
Archangel
- Apr 15, 2022
- 7,262
I'd say he just doesn't know how to deal with it, and wants you to be OK. He's got a couple bad outcomes, either way. If he takes action, possibly getting you committed, he loses you that way, at least temporarily, possibly permanently if you don't forgive him. If he does nothing and you ctb, he loses you that way. It's just a denial reaction, basically. He wants you, him, and "us" to just be OK, maybe like things used to be.
I wish things were like when we first met but now a days I don't get excited for anything and just want to sleep so I'll have to write everything down in a note to him and hope he understands why I'm leaving
I'm doing everything I can to make things as easy as possible for him during the grieving process. I just wish he could know that he only has a few more weeks left with me
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A few years ago my wife found some scrap paper where I had written "everyday I pray to die". I do this frequently. Write long angry notes about how unhappy I am and how much I want to die. This was the start of one of those notes that I forgot I had, and she saw it when looking for some scrap paper.
She asked me about it. I told her I was just venting and it meant nothing. She never once asked me about it again. Maybe she secretly wants me to die, although she doesn't work and I don't have a lot of life insurance (some, not a lot, and a blood disorder which prevents me from getting anymore). I still think about why she never expressed more concern then, and never has since. Maybe she can't fathom it. Maybe she really just doesn't care.
I still pray to die.
She asked me about it. I told her I was just venting and it meant nothing. She never once asked me about it again. Maybe she secretly wants me to die, although she doesn't work and I don't have a lot of life insurance (some, not a lot, and a blood disorder which prevents me from getting anymore). I still think about why she never expressed more concern then, and never has since. Maybe she can't fathom it. Maybe she really just doesn't care.
I still pray to die.
I wish every morning I wake up that I would just die. The thoughts consume my head. If I didn't have my husband I would already be gone. As selfish as it might sound or be to some people I'm going to finally ctb just because I can't handle the constant suicidal thoughts. I just want it to end. I had one person message me making it seem like I shouldn't ctb because I have a husband. I wish it were that simple.
Hi. Your post really struck a cord with me because I've gotten that reaction from people, too, when I talk about not doing well or about suicide, and you're right, it really does feel kind of rotten. At least his reaction is helping you not feel so guilty about leaving, though, so that's a silver lining, I suppose. One time, when I told my ex partner about feeling depressed and suicidal, he said "I don't know what you have to be depressed about, I'm the one who does everything around the house and raising the kids." There was truth in what he said, but it stung, nonetheless. Another time, when I was trying to talk to my mom about feeling bad, she said "Let's not keep talking about it." So, I just don't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling, unless they have mental health issues and understand what it's like. The normies just don't understand, and it's futal trying to explain it to them. Leaving behind a note for your husband to soften the blow is a nice idea, though. If I have enough energy to leave behind a note when I exit, I plan on making it as explanatory as possible. Funny how when we're actually dead, people start listening. Anyway, I've been following your posts and am rooting for you. I hope you find the peace you are looking for, and that your next attempt is a success, if that's what you truly want. Feel free to PM me if you need a listening ear. I feel like a lot of what you post about resonates with me, but I'm usually too anxious to post much on here. Feeling brave today, I guess. Take care. Cupcake
You are so nice. Thank you. I think my biggest guilt trigger is my husband is going to have to learn what I do with paying the bills. I control the money and make sure the bills are paid. I've tried to show him but he didn't take it seriously. My note is going to be short. I won't have much energy the day I ctb because I'll be so concentrated on making sure I die. My husband is going to have to step up after I'm gone. He will have life insurance to get him by while he is picking up the pieces of the life I'm about to shatter. My note will be mainly saying sorry and I love you.
This is exactly why I decided not to discuss certain things with people who do not have a similar firsthand experience. While I never expect someone who hasn't dealt with something firsthand to understand exactly, they're very prone to downplaying your experiences and then gaslighting you about it. I've never felt more understood when I discussed chronic illness with people here, because they get it. IRL it's easy to be seen as difficult because of the limitations of chronic physical illness, but here I felt understood. Here, I didn't get any of the gaslighting bullshit.
He definitely will be crying but a big part of me thinks he will be relieved that he won't have to deal with me when I'm depressed
