O
oneDay1
Student
- Apr 22, 2021
- 19
Hi everyone,
(Apologies for the long post. I am venting and need to get this out)
I'm relatively new and have plans to ctb in the future for reasons i wont currently discuss. At this point i've accepted it to be something ill probably do. However, the pain that my suicide would bring to my mom is probably the only thing keeping me going. She is the kindest, most compassionate, caring person I have ever met — beyond what anyone would consider reasonable. I wont leave her empty handed (a big reason of why I'm waiting for to ctb is for my life insurance to become incontestable). She doesnt need the money though (good profession, works extremely hard).
For a multitude of reasons, my family essentially only calls when they need something from her. And of course my mom obliges on the drop of a dime. She has worked tirelessly all of her life to give me the best possible life, and continues to support me in college. She provides constant care to my grandparents. Drops everything to visit my brother in the uk to check on his newborn (shes a pediatrician). No one reciprocates. Her boyfriend, although he's a great guy, prefers not to delve in our family issues. I get it, he's retiring and wants to enjoy the rest of his life, but this leaves my mom with no support. He isn't really a partner to her at this point. Succinctly, she is more or less alone.
I may very well ctb, but this is what goes through my mind:
Ever since i was born, my mom gave me nothing but love and anything i could ever desire. She worked and continues to work tirelessly to provide for me and get me through uni. She has told me countless times that all she wants is for me to be happy and stable. If I die, she loses the one thing shes been working to support for the past 20+ years.
She is now of retirement age. She would have to live out the remainder of her life in what I would imagine would be a simply untreatable, possibly catatonic depression. This is all assuming she doesn't kill her self. Which would force my grandparents to move to a nursing home while grieving the death of their grandson and DAUGHTER.
If I ctb, I intend to tie up all loose ends, leave a decent life insurance payout, and a detailed explanation of my reasoning. But i cant help but feel that wouldn't be enough. I would appreciate anyones opinion, story, or advice.
Thank you.
(Apologies for the long post. I am venting and need to get this out)
I'm relatively new and have plans to ctb in the future for reasons i wont currently discuss. At this point i've accepted it to be something ill probably do. However, the pain that my suicide would bring to my mom is probably the only thing keeping me going. She is the kindest, most compassionate, caring person I have ever met — beyond what anyone would consider reasonable. I wont leave her empty handed (a big reason of why I'm waiting for to ctb is for my life insurance to become incontestable). She doesnt need the money though (good profession, works extremely hard).
For a multitude of reasons, my family essentially only calls when they need something from her. And of course my mom obliges on the drop of a dime. She has worked tirelessly all of her life to give me the best possible life, and continues to support me in college. She provides constant care to my grandparents. Drops everything to visit my brother in the uk to check on his newborn (shes a pediatrician). No one reciprocates. Her boyfriend, although he's a great guy, prefers not to delve in our family issues. I get it, he's retiring and wants to enjoy the rest of his life, but this leaves my mom with no support. He isn't really a partner to her at this point. Succinctly, she is more or less alone.
I may very well ctb, but this is what goes through my mind:
Ever since i was born, my mom gave me nothing but love and anything i could ever desire. She worked and continues to work tirelessly to provide for me and get me through uni. She has told me countless times that all she wants is for me to be happy and stable. If I die, she loses the one thing shes been working to support for the past 20+ years.
She is now of retirement age. She would have to live out the remainder of her life in what I would imagine would be a simply untreatable, possibly catatonic depression. This is all assuming she doesn't kill her self. Which would force my grandparents to move to a nursing home while grieving the death of their grandson and DAUGHTER.
If I ctb, I intend to tie up all loose ends, leave a decent life insurance payout, and a detailed explanation of my reasoning. But i cant help but feel that wouldn't be enough. I would appreciate anyones opinion, story, or advice.
Thank you.