Venting howww do people live

[dental]

it's genuinely baffling to me that so many people are able to just keep going through day after day without getting sick of it. especially working class. i'm expected to just keep making enough money to survive, when all my energy and resources have to go into desperately trying to keep myself functional enough to be able to work in the first place.

and i can vent all my frustrations about capitalism, and acknowledge the ways in which it's exploitative and predatory and ruining the whole goddamn planet, but what can i actually do about it? the system is working exactly as intended so that we do stay trapped in this cycle, and so that the status quo never changes. literally the only thing i can do is remove myself from it entirely if i don't want to grind myself into the ground from trying to afford basic necessities.

i really believe that i might be able to be at least happy enough to not want to die if i could just exist in a vacuum, with the free choice to stay alone and do only the things that i want to do. there are things that do bring me joy and energy; i've been super invested in linguistic anthropology lately, and researching that on my own time is something i can spend hours doing, but actually pursuing a related degree or career or anything of the sort takes time, money, and (most importantly) mental strength/energy/motivation that i am not capable of in an academic or workplace setting. i can't monetize my hobbies because that kills my motivation for them.

not to mention social stuff of course, which i've already complained about enough. autistic social incompetency on top of social anxiety disorder just ruins it all. i just want to exist separately from the world, because the world is so much of what makes me suicidal.

although i'm saying this now, but i still have that internal voice screaming at me to kill myself constantly even when i'm alone. epic mental illness moment. it's better on some days than others, so i have a feeling i'll probably take this all back when it gets really bad again. it's almost like i forget how bad it gets when i do have a "better" day ("it can't have been that bad, i was probably just overreacting" type shit), which only makes it hit harder when i'm swamped with that intense pain again.

fully rambling, basically it just feels like i'm missing something intrinsic that everyone else already has or knows or whatever. and that just gives me this sense of hopelessness and doom and yeah i just feel dead today

 

[dental]

okay also a bit of an update, ik you guys clown on therapy a ton on here (which is totally fair, it is not for everyone and it's so hard to find the right therapist) but relaying these thoughts to someone just to get them out and get a second opinion can be super helpful, even if just to get them out of my own head for a bit. it didn't solve anything and it didn't give me any grand revelations that make me suddenly love being alive, but i feel a bit less alone and a bit less like shooting myself in the head immediately so that's a plus

i've gone through many therapists in my life but this one actually listens without trying to diminish or invalidate me which is pretty refreshing

 

[UKscotty]

Without depression, life is so much easier.

People are generally happy and grateful to just simply be alive.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

it's genuinely baffling to me that so many people are able to just keep going through day after day without getting sick of it. especially working class. i'm expected to just keep making enough money to survive, when all my energy and resources have to go into desperately trying to keep myself functional enough to be able to work in the first place.

and i can vent all my frustrations about capitalism, and acknowledge the ways in which it's exploitative and predatory and ruining the whole goddamn planet, but what can i actually do about it? the system is working exactly as intended so that we do stay trapped in this cycle, and so that the status quo never changes. literally the only thing i can do is remove myself from it entirely if i don't want to grind myself into the ground from trying to afford basic necessities.

i really believe that i might be able to be at least happy enough to not want to die if i could just exist in a vacuum, with the free choice to stay alone and do only the things that i want to do. there are things that do bring me joy and energy; i've been super invested in linguistic anthropology lately, and researching that on my own time is something i can spend hours doing, but actually pursuing a related degree or career or anything of the sort takes time, money, and (most importantly) mental strength/energy/motivation that i am not capable of in an academic or workplace setting. i can't monetize my hobbies because that kills my motivation for them.

not to mention social stuff of course, which i've already complained about enough. autistic social incompetency on top of social anxiety disorder just ruins it all. i just want to exist separately from the world, because the world is so much of what makes me suicidal.

although i'm saying this now, but i still have that internal voice screaming at me to kill myself constantly even when i'm alone. epic mental illness moment. it's better on some days than others, so i have a feeling i'll probably take this all back when it gets really bad again. it's almost like i forget how bad it gets when i do have a "better" day ("it can't have been that bad, i was probably just overreacting" type shit), which only makes it hit harder when i'm swamped with that intense pain again.

fully rambling, basically it just feels like i'm missing something intrinsic that everyone else already has or knows or whatever. and that just gives me this sense of hopelessness and doom and yeah i just feel dead today

I agree, life is very hard, but I think the problem isn't life, it's us. Our brains are what gives most of us problems. I feel like if I didn't have depression, my life would be infinitely better. Life is tough when you're depressed and humans are meant to have to work at life, capitalism is just a more exploitative person of that idea in my mind, though it's better than communism or anarchy in my personal opinion. Even before modern life, people had to hunt and gather for food, which was a form of work.

I agree with the social stuff. On top of depression, I have some sort of anxiety disorder. I feel this makes things harder as well. I know you said your post feels like rambling, my reply does as well. Quite frankly, I have really bad brain fog right now as I am feeling VERY down at the moment. Anyways, how I live is I just try to push through for now with the hope of a better future, though that is not guaranteed. It's crazy because yesterday was so enjoyable for me, I went out of town, went to a bunch of different stores and just looked around, bought and tried Crumbl for the first time. Now, today just fucking sucks, and I can't even place why that is, it just is.

 

[ferrie]

I agree that therapy doesn't seem to be well liked here, but a lot of people have had really horrible experiences with mental health care. Finding someone that actually listens like you have with your current therapist can make a world of difference. Therapy's never going to be an instant cure, but when you've found the right fit, it should be able to give you the tools to dig yourself out of the hole you're in. It's awesome that it's made you feel less alone! It's not that intrinsic thing to live for that you mention, but it's a positive. As someone who also struggles with social problems due to autism & anxiety and has that running inner voice constantly telling me to kms, I relate to it hitting harder after a relatively good day, but I hope you get some relief from what you're going through

 

[lovedread]

okay also a bit of an update, ik you guys clown on therapy a ton on here (which is totally fair, it is not for everyone and it's so hard to find the right therapist) but relaying these thoughts to someone just to get them out and get a second opinion can be super helpful, even if just to get them out of my own head for a bit. it didn't solve anything and it didn't give me any grand revelations that make me suddenly love being alive, but i feel a bit less alone and a bit less like shooting myself in the head immediately so that's a plus

i've gone through many therapists in my life but this one actually listens without trying to diminish or invalidate me which is pretty refreshing

Im really happy to read u got a therapist who helped and actually listened!! I feel like thats pretty big and hard to find actually so thats rly cool. I hope ur therapy sessions keep going in the right direction.

Also i liked ur post here, i like when ppl talk abt how soul crushing capitalism is and the truth that this shitty ass system is a big part of why ppl feel so helpless abused and exploited. Its a real ass post

 

[jarik]

People live badly