Help How would you guys approach this situation as a last shot at "recovery"? (my first and only thread here)

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

So I am quite the stubborn patient if you would be able to call me that.
I've been to many psychologists and a couple of psychiatrists and have tried many meds.
However I truly , truly after all this time be it because of social pressure or the inability to exactly pin point the main thing I do not enjoy in life, not able to come to a conclusion of whether or not the things I feel are because of a chemical imbalance or because I am simply incompatible with life in my current iteration.

Unfortunately medications, at least the ones I got in Romania, Abilify/Aripiprazole, Concerta, Bupropion, Cipralex, Xanax, Modafinil, Venaflaxine , Atomoxetin, Carbamazempine, just have no kind of positive effect on me. Here are the effects.
-Unable to take a pee properly or ejaculate at all
-Unable to take a poo properly
-Sweating
-Akatishia
-Muscle Tremors, my muscles do the worm dance move basically, it feels funny for the first time but it quickly gets infuriating and annoying.
-I could be a little clearer, zombie like on Aripiprazole but I knew it was the med and I knew this kind of thing just doesn't help me, I wasn't able to do anything, I would need to pace around or else I'd get muscle tremors and Akathisia.

So given all of this I came to the conclusion that there mustn't be anything wrong with my brain chemicals since even with this much effort and trial and error, no medication has shown improvement in any way shape or form outside of numbing me in one way or another, which I do not consider a problem. My problems stem from people and the way life is structured, long story short, no matter what, life just can't impress me in any way, no matter what happens, no matter what I go through, I just go "that's it? I don't care", I am simply very very detached from the situation and no matter what I can't seem to want to "play" the game we call life.

And now I still sit and wonder, did I come to the conclusion of the last paragraph because of my own will or is there still something in my brain that made me do that, and there might be, it's not a mental illness , I have been informed by one of the psychologists that my childhood might fit PTSD to a certain extent, or as it may be known in more evolved countries, CPTSD , after I did some test I also found out that I can be eligible for being on the autism spectrum to let's say a small-medium extent, but I did tell them that the tests might be skewed due to how I currently am because of the past trauma and how I ended up evolving my personality and she did say that it could be a possibility but she wouldn't rule it out.

In the end, I couldn't see that person anymore and even if I did I don't think I would've managed to do anything of note even with the information discovered. I want to know your thoughts, have you ever seen something like this or felt like this, what has helped you that I might have not tried? I still want to give recovery a small shot before you know but I honestly have no idea where to start.

And just so you know I think I mentioned but I am from Romania, so someone suggesting Adderal for example or Mushrooms is just not something I can get my hands on and neither is Ketamine since I'm not in contact with any psychiatrist right now and probably can't get in contact for the next months and honestly I wouldn't want that anyways, I want a cure or at least a promise of one to be honest not some arbitrary cure that is actually a bandaid. Even if it's stubborn which might render this post useless but at least I shared some info, maybe it helps someone, maybe not. I don't want to discourage anyone from getting help, I always advocate for it.

I know what I got myself into , I know how to deep down I still want to go and I accept the "consequences" , I don't say it to show how superior I am to some of you, I genuinely believe this is the way I am meant to live , it's the only way to get a bit of excitment out of what I consider a rock.

 

[LoveroftheDark]

Well, with all those symptoms, you might as well stop taking them and go natural.
Seriously though, consider finding a good psychiatrist as it is the only way you could get the medication thing going well.

CBT could help for learning more about your trauma and how to make it not feel the empty feeling.

For hobbies you should try sports or adrenaline based ones, maybe saving money for a bungee jumping course is a good way to get some adrenaline that could "snap you out" of this state.
OOF, you said it's not the chemicals... but at least worth trying right?

By the way you described it it sounds like a dissociative kinda state. That's hard to "cure" with meds, so try doing something to feel alive as I mentioned above.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Well, with all those symptoms, you might as well stop taking them and go natural.
Seriously though, consider finding a good psychiatrist as it is the only way you could get the medication thing going well.

CBT could help for learning more about your trauma and how to make it not feel the empty feeling.

For hobbies you should try sports or adrenaline based ones, maybe saving money for a bungee jumping course is a good way to get some adrenaline that could "snap you out" of this state.
OOF, you said it's not the chemicals... but at least worth trying right?

By the way you described it it sounds like a dissociative kinda state. That's hard to "cure" with meds, so try doing something to feel alive as I mentioned above.

I did try normal sports, I don't really connect with people at all, adrenaline sports are pretty much impossible for me to attend right now , I have close to no money and it's impossible for me to find work + they are hundreds of kilometers away from my location, I have no car.

As for finding a good psychiatrist unfortunately it just isn't possible in this country, there might be one if you looked really well but I already went to most of the good ones, waited months to get on the radar and the good ones didn't really do anything other than to prescribe meds and shrug when they didn't work , it's unfortunate but it's my reality.

CBT is illegal in my country and it's very hard to come by if you have no social networking with the right people who smuggle it and it's also not very cheap either. Only ketamine is in theory legal. Thank you for trying to think of a solution nonetheless.

 

[galaxid]

So given all of this I came to the conclusion that there mustn't be anything wrong with my brain chemicals since even with this much effort and trial and error, no medication has shown improvement in any way shape or form outside of numbing me

Medications don't work on everyone equally. I've tried plenty and it's been a lot of trial and error. People who aren't mentally ill can take these medications and have the same numbing effect! Lithium is an example of this, I think. I don't know if you've ever heard about someone smoking weed and having intense psychosis for months afterward, but that's an example of a brain that reacts badly to THC. For some people, they get anxious. Others feel relaxed. It is dependent on biology, and on plenty of factors outside of just the chemicals themselves. Metabolism, genetics, sunlight exposure, vitamin deficiencies, general health, circumstances, previous trauma, etc.

So, there's a big chance you might not have found the right medication mix just yet. Don't give up. Because even if medication can't fix everything (and it probably won't anyway), it might help you a bit. And sometimes it just takes a little to set off a larger change. I've heard the 'meds don't work' thing called 'treatment-resistant depression' before. You could look into that and see what other people's experiences are.

If you can, take some time to sit down and think through your life. You don't know what it is that's bothering you right now, so try to find out. I did it like this: Think about something that distresses you and ask yourself why its distressing. Do it little by little. And hey, your medication has made you numb. You might react with something less emotional, maybe you can look deeper into the problem. If you can cry, I'd say take some time to sit back and really let it out. Cry over what bothers you, one topic at a time. See what hurts the most and ask why? Because you're upset for a reason, you just don't know what it is yet.

If you keep at this kinda thing, I think you'll find answers. It's helped me iron out some of the serious issues I had from growing up. Sometimes the answer is 'I'm just miserable' because you can't find the cause. You can always come back to the issue later. Not finding an answer is not akin to failure-- its a journey of self-discovery. And you don't need medication to do that for you.

I'm wishing you a ton of good luck. I hope you can find a path out.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Medications don't work on everyone equally. I've tried plenty and it's been a lot of trial and error. People who aren't mentally ill can take these medications and have the same numbing effect! Lithium is an example of this, I think. I don't know if you've ever heard about someone smoking weed and having intense psychosis for months afterward, but that's an example of a brain that reacts badly to THC. For some people, they get anxious. Others feel relaxed. It is dependent on biology, and on plenty of factors outside of just the chemicals themselves. Metabolism, genetics, sunlight exposure, vitamin deficiencies, general health, circumstances, previous trauma, etc.

So, there's a big chance you might not have found the right medication mix just yet. Don't give up. Because even if medication can't fix everything (and it probably won't anyway), it might help you a bit. And sometimes it just takes a little to set off a larger change. I've heard the 'meds don't work' thing called 'treatment-resistant depression' before. You could look into that and see what other people's experiences are.

If you can, take some time to sit down and think through your life. You don't know what it is that's bothering you right now, so try to find out. I did it like this: Think about something that distresses you and ask yourself why its distressing. Do it little by little. And hey, your medication has made you numb. You might react with something less emotional, maybe you can look deeper into the problem. If you can cry, I'd say take some time to sit back and really let it out. Cry over what bothers you, one topic at a time. See what hurts the most and ask why? Because you're upset for a reason, you just don't know what it is yet.

If you keep at this kinda thing, I think you'll find answers. It's helped me iron out some of the serious issues I had from growing up. Sometimes the answer is 'I'm just miserable' because you can't find the cause. You can always come back to the issue later. Not finding an answer is not akin to failure-- its a journey of self-discovery. And you don't need medication to do that for you.

I'm wishing you a ton of good luck. I hope you can find a path out.

I appreciate the kind words, I have no idea what I'll do but I'll at least try something before attempting, I'll think about it. It's not like I haven't tried until now but I still wanted to play a couple of my favourite games so it gives me a bit of time left to do something in between.

 

[galaxid]

I appreciate the kind words, I have no idea what I'll do but I'll at least try something before attempting, I'll think about it. It's not like I haven't tried until now but I still wanted to play a couple of my favourite games so it gives me a bit of time left to do something in between.

Gaming is a great one. What are you going to play? I used to game a ton but I can't do it much these days. It's always good to distract from the immediate pain, but I suppose I don't want to be distracted right now. I really should, though. I spend too much time on here.

What are your favorites? I was big into 4X strategy games like Civ 5 and Stellaris. Then there's Rimworld, Sims 4, Frostpunk. Those were the ones I played the most, anyway.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Gaming is a great one. What are you going to play? I used to game a ton but I can't do it much these days. It's always good to distract from the immediate pain, but I suppose I don't want to be distracted right now. I really should, though. I spend too much time on here.

What are your favorites? I was big into 4X strategy games like Civ 5 and Stellaris. Then there's Rimworld, Sims 4, Frostpunk. Those were the ones I played the most, anyway.

I personally hate strategy games. I like story driven games, I don't mind the gameplay that much so long as there is an enjoyable story or interesting worldbuilding. I like Celeste, Undertale, Omori, Oneshot, Bioshock series, A Hat in Time, Call of Duty World at War - Black ops 1 and 2, God of War series. I like a lot of games in general but strategy games don't really scratch any itch for me, they take too much time to do things while not being distracted by anything so they are not good for me.

 

[galaxid]

I personally hate strategy games. I like story driven games, I don't mind the gameplay that much so long as there is an enjoyable story or interesting worldbuilding. I like Celeste, Undertale, Omori, Oneshot, Bioshock series, A Hat in Time, Call of Duty World at War - Black ops 1 and 2, God of War series. I like a lot of games in general but strategy games don't really scratch any itch for me, they take too much time to do things while not being distracted by anything so they are not good for me.

That's so valid. I usually play them on super easy difficulty because I'm not playing for the challenge, I'm playing so I can feel better.

The Bioshock series lives in my head rent free. I used to write fanfictions about Bioshock 1 because I loved that game so much oh man. I've played it, but never finished. I suck at winning just about every game, now that I think about it, but story-driven ones get so frustrating because I just want to know what the story is. And I have this bad habit of dropping a game for months at a time, so when I come back I don't remember how to play.

I am compelled to ask, which Bioshock game was your favorite in terms of story? There is a correct answer (it's all of them) lol

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

That's so valid. I usually play them on super easy difficulty because I'm not playing for the challenge, I'm playing so I can feel better.

The Bioshock series lives in my head rent free. I used to write fanfictions about Bioshock 1 because I loved that game so much oh man. I've played it, but never finished. I suck at winning just about every game, now that I think about it, but story-driven ones get so frustrating because I just want to know what the story is. And I have this bad habit of dropping a game for months at a time, so when I come back I don't remember how to play.

I am compelled to ask, which Bioshock game was your favorite in terms of story? There is a correct answer (it's all of them) lol

I liked Bioshock Infinite the most, it was the first one I've ever played and not knowing anything , I still enjoyed it quite a lot, I don't remember how I stumbled upon it, it was a long time ago, I think I was 11 when I first played it and it had just released or it was very close to the release so it is probably nostalgia or first impressions that skew things for me.

Also sorry but I will not reply anymore, I have to go to sleep or else I'm going to ruin whatever schedule I have left, it's 4 am for me.

 

[galaxid]

Rest well! Thanks for chatting.