Stormypwns
Member
- Nov 20, 2020
- 6
Wasn't sure whether to post this here on in recovery or whatever, but here goes.
At what point will you decide you've had enough? Like I've been sure for many years now that the way I was going to go was by my own hand. But I decided a few months back that I'd at least give it one more go before I threw in the towel and made an attempt.
I've quit drinking. I've been dieting and making good progress on losing weight. I've been pursuing hobbies.
Hobbies. Most of the time I try to enjoy them (photography, gardening, gaming) I either feel apathetic about success or upset by failure. When it comes to gaming and photography I just end up hating myself for how bad I am at both despite having put many hours into both.
Dieting. I mean yeah, losing weight makes you physically feel better, and I do. I'm less sore after work, fit into my clothes better, etc. But I could give a shit about my health at this point, and when it comes to shaping up to try and find an SO, it won't fix my face and body. I'll still be ugly no matter what I lose or how much muscle I put on.
Drinking. When I drink, I do slip down into a dark hole. I mean, alcohol is a depressant, after all. But when I'm sober I'm just restless and anxious, fading in out of apathy and boredom. When I'm not drunk I get stuck in my own head for hours on end and my thoughts just spiral all around. At least when I'm drunk I can just kind of focus on a feeling, even if that feeling is despair.
I had some plans with friends go awry the other day which resulted in breaking my diet, as well as falling off the wagon, not that staying on the wagon was a priority. I'm just struggling between wanting to keep it up and see how far I can go, or giving in to hedonism and eating and drinking my way to an early grave. I'm back on the diet and haven't drank in a while, but while I'm at work I can't help but think about how all of this effort is mostly in vain. None of this really makes me feel any better, and I'm still looking at a future of just working until I die. I mean that's really all there is to life, right? You work, you try to distract yourself with hobbies and doing things you enjoy even if those things don't really bring you any form of enjoyment anymore. I just don't want to keep doing this, this same shit for the next however many decades. The human condition won't suddenly change just because I took some pictures and shaved off a few pounds.
I keep daydreaming about finally falling in love and that somehow 'fixing' me and making it all worth it. Honestly my fixation on this idea is probably a good argument for why escapist media can be bad for some people's mental health. That ain't ever gonna happen outside of poorly written fiction.
At what point will you decide you've had enough? Like I've been sure for many years now that the way I was going to go was by my own hand. But I decided a few months back that I'd at least give it one more go before I threw in the towel and made an attempt.
I've quit drinking. I've been dieting and making good progress on losing weight. I've been pursuing hobbies.
Hobbies. Most of the time I try to enjoy them (photography, gardening, gaming) I either feel apathetic about success or upset by failure. When it comes to gaming and photography I just end up hating myself for how bad I am at both despite having put many hours into both.
Dieting. I mean yeah, losing weight makes you physically feel better, and I do. I'm less sore after work, fit into my clothes better, etc. But I could give a shit about my health at this point, and when it comes to shaping up to try and find an SO, it won't fix my face and body. I'll still be ugly no matter what I lose or how much muscle I put on.
Drinking. When I drink, I do slip down into a dark hole. I mean, alcohol is a depressant, after all. But when I'm sober I'm just restless and anxious, fading in out of apathy and boredom. When I'm not drunk I get stuck in my own head for hours on end and my thoughts just spiral all around. At least when I'm drunk I can just kind of focus on a feeling, even if that feeling is despair.
I had some plans with friends go awry the other day which resulted in breaking my diet, as well as falling off the wagon, not that staying on the wagon was a priority. I'm just struggling between wanting to keep it up and see how far I can go, or giving in to hedonism and eating and drinking my way to an early grave. I'm back on the diet and haven't drank in a while, but while I'm at work I can't help but think about how all of this effort is mostly in vain. None of this really makes me feel any better, and I'm still looking at a future of just working until I die. I mean that's really all there is to life, right? You work, you try to distract yourself with hobbies and doing things you enjoy even if those things don't really bring you any form of enjoyment anymore. I just don't want to keep doing this, this same shit for the next however many decades. The human condition won't suddenly change just because I took some pictures and shaved off a few pounds.
I keep daydreaming about finally falling in love and that somehow 'fixing' me and making it all worth it. Honestly my fixation on this idea is probably a good argument for why escapist media can be bad for some people's mental health. That ain't ever gonna happen outside of poorly written fiction.
