Venting How will my death affect others?

[GentleJerk]

My mother told me she would do it if I do it. I love her so much that I can't bear the thought of her committing suicide because of me, or even having to suffer psychologically- but I even struggle with the thought of committing suicide and leaving her, my daughter, and all my other loved ones behind, simply because I always want to be here to help them and protect them in life.

I love and care about them so deeply. I can't be here for them, or do anything for them if I'm dead, and that thought makes this whole situation infinitely harder... Especially because my daughter is disabled and relies on her mother and I to feed and look after her. If I ctb, and anything happens to her mum, my beautiful, innocent, defenseless girl will be left without any loving and competent carer, and she would end up in state care which is a horrible thought, as it's likely no one in the family could take on the burden of caring for her in that situation.

I've seen how the state looks after children with profound disabilities and it frightens me, they could never give her the kind of care that we give her. They would put her back on lots of unnecessary hardcore medications, and stop feeding her real blended foods, going back to bags of Pediasure that make her vomit. She wouldn't even get picked up for cuddles when she is crying. Palmed off from one stranger to another. And I'm sure that would just be the beginning. I'm in tears even writing this.

...But I'm barely able to be of much help anymore as it is, I can barely look after myself at this point. It looks like I'm dying anyway. I'm sick and suffering, and I mainly want to ctb because I feel like I will die soon either way. I'd rather not let my suffering get dramatically worse, or suffer a long and painful death if I can end things quickly and peacefully.

And let's be honest, I love my mum so very much, but she would probably be completely devastated if I died, no matter what the cause. Yet thinking about my suicide and the suffering it might create, still makes me feel selfish and weak.

Some people don't have huge responsibilities, or care enough about others to let this bother them, and in a way, at times, I kinda envy that.

For now I keep my N nearby but I try to go through each day as it comes for the sake of others, hoping that If I die naturally it will be quick and my loved ones will be OK, feeling worse and worse every time I wake up and just doing my best not to think about everything too much. No amount of trying to think myself out of this situation seems to be working.

...I know that there is a high likelihood that I will decide to ctb anyway because there's only so much suffering I can endure, and these loose ends will probably still be loose by the time that happens. The best solution I have come up with thus far is to try and stop thinking about it, but it's easier said than done.

 

[Buttercup]

I too have responsibilities and constantly think how my death will affect them, but every day is a struggle and I fear I will reach breaking point. I know I can't live on like this and have tried everything.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can imagine that it must be really hard to be in that situation. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best.

 

[Al_stargate]

That's tough man! Don't know what to say to you, can't imagine your responsibilities. At least when you're alone like me, nobody is going to be hurt when dying. If you're suffering and dying as it is, maybe people will have more understanding of your decision.

 

[SofterSoftest]

I was really moved by your post. My responsibilities/commitments to people I love are exclusively what keep me going too, and it also very genuinely breaks my heart to imagine how my CTB might affect people around me. I live with a chronic illness that, paired with my day-to-day stress, will eventually lead to a shortened life anyway, but I too believe my family will suffer a lot less if I die naturally instead of by CTB. I do really wish there was some way of CTB so that it could look natural, but it looks like autopsies are routinely performed unless the person is quite old (e.g., 80+) or is expected to die imminently, and with CTB (vs. natural death) families always inevitably ask themselves how they could have prevented the loss.

Either way, I want you to know that you do not at all sound selfish or weak to me. You sound like a really thoughtful and compassionate person, and an amazing parent. I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. Sending you my care