Discussion How/ why are some people more resilient...

[MeltingHeart]

Since I have started to feel suicidal following a huge breakdown Jan this year...In the throes of my despair, accessment of my life & self-pity (something I always strove to avoid) I have had time to reflect & look at my life & consider the impact of all the things that have led to my breakdown & my desire to die. And yet I feel an extreme amount of guilt about this, being as I am an atleast vaguely intelligent human being & also what I would consider v.empathetic & reflective. I can't help but wonder why the 'trauma' I suffered caused me to feel like I deeply want to end my own life- yet I am perceptive enough to recognise that others in the world have experience far worst trauma - and yet they want to continue in life - why & how can this be? Why do some of us feel that the answer lies in killing are selves & yet others no matter what their hardships - still strive to survive? As an extrem example - and I use it just to illustrate a point (because obviously there a million comparisons I could make) : I had a pretty miserable childhood, in a brief summary- a mentally abusive/ neglectful mother & abandonment/ emotionally unavailable father - I was not physically or sexually harmed by them. Yet I feel the knock on effect of my childhood hask effected every area of my life- & though I don't WANT to point the figure of blame - I can not help but feel that my upbringing has had a v.impactful & long lasting negative effect on the rest of my life - that brings me to here - and ultimately wanted to ctb. & yet I read a highly tragic story (as I said one extreme example) of a women that suffered unspeakable abuse as a child from her father- it was an interesting case as she developed multiple personality disorder due to it - And her "others" were allowed to testify in court. Her experience in early life was without question a million times worse than mine!! I can clearly acknowledge that- and yet she goes on to not only have the strength to stand up in court against this vile person but also to study a masters AND a p.h.d in philosophy & legal studies!! & even though she is profoundly damaged she is still wanting to exist, still fighting, still looking forward to atleast some things in the future!! I feel so much guilt. My story was nowhere nr as bad, but I dropped out of studies, feel like I've given up- got literally no fight left- I want to end my life strongly- but when I read about things like that (as I say that was just ONE example) I feel terrible & guilty - and wonder why & how some can over come & some can not...in the face of extreme adversity and or/ life trauma...

 

[Lethe]

If someone has a "why", they can survive any "how"? Maybe they just have an intrinsic sense of purpose that keeps them going. I'm an atheist so it's very difficult to find purpose to such a degree that religious people have it, for example. They may think their suffering is part of "God's plan". I find such tactics intellectually dishonest, however.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Hi- also an atheist here btw! I agree with you. Why is very important. But I do have a weird obsession with comparing myself to others, feeling guilty & yet still wanting to ctb. Because I guess at the end of the day - our pain/ struggles are our own- our hopes and dreams are our own-and they can be shattered- it's like the old cliche of someone having a bad day & someone might put on the news & say - look at this people staving or suffering in a war zone or whatever...nonetheless you still feel yr own pain...for whatever reason...like -another example (like I said this is my obsession) a youngish war photographer had three limbs blown off- but he kept his right arm so could still take photos! He said - If it had been that one he - he wouldn't have been able
to live! But he kept his passion & kept going as he still had tht drive- something he loved enough to keep him alive! & he was back working in less than a year - and again I have extreme guilt but also perverse kind of envy you could say - in that I have all my limbs & physical health atleast -yet haven't found that 'thing ' person, passion, pursuit or whatever that wants to make me still live life?! Not sure if that makes sense...but it inevitable makes me hate myself even more!!