Help How to tell my boyfriend that I’m suicidal

[WaitingGame]

Hi. Sorry if there's already a thread for advice about this, I can't seem to find one and don't have the energy too look too far.
I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for over 10yrs now (2 attempts) after my 2nd attempt I was able to cope with my feelings more and not act on it. However something in me had changed and I'm struggling to cope again.
I want to tell my boyfriend about it all but I can't find the right words. Whenever I'm upset I take myself away from him and he never truly sees my breakdowns. (He knows I have depression but I doubt he knows how bad it can get)

Can anyone help share how they told loved ones?

 

[Sorrygoodbye]

I'm afraid of being put in a psych ward, so I've only told a handful of people I trust. I just told them I really think I should kill myself. I got mixed reactions, but even the "worst" reaction wasn't too bad. They probably don't really think I will do it, and maybe they'll end up being right.

 

[Life_and_Death]

well i told my then bf (i dont remember that part but hes not the important person here hes long gone) who then blurted it out to our friends which is how my now exbf bestfriend knows (yeah thats a title for someone lol) and the way my husband knows is my parents asked him to take me for a drive at 11pm to a pit and ask me whats up. he took me to burger king instead and asked me whats up, i told him my parents abuse me and i want to leave and thats how he found out.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Rather than how others do it (or in addition to, since it might help), I think it would be a good idea to evaluate the trust in your relationship to help you predict how he will take it and whether you feel safe to tell him. Here's a tool from social work researcher Brené Brown that I shared on another thread for evaluating trust.

What's working or not working in a relationship? It's about mutual, reciprocal trust, and the acronym (eye-roll) is BRAVING:

BOUNDARIES RESPECTED

• Boundaries - what's okay and what's not okay​
• Respect, value and guard your own as well as the other person's​
• Maintaining boundaries keeps one from becoming resentful for letting people get away with things​
• "Research shows that the most compassionate people are the most boundaried" (she didn't share the research, but I find this is true in personal experience, and it relates to the previous point -- it's hard to feel compassionate from a place of resentment or condemnation)​
• Assume people are doing their best (and recognize when their best may be harmful and require boundaries against their behaviors, even up to no contact). Generosity can't exist without boundaries (in fact the Five Precepts of Buddhism* are acts of generosity that recognize, respect, and honor others' boundaries).​

RELIABILITY

• Are you showing up when and how you say you will? Are they?

ACCOUNTABILITY

• Do you and they hold each other accountable, and when in error, each own your own actions, apologize, and make amends?

VAULT

• What I share with you, you hold in confidence
• What you share with me, I hold in confidence
• What others share with you, you hold in confidence from me
• Watch out for making friendships based on hating and condemning others rather than being mutually supportive, such as holding each other in accountability and encouraging each other in integrity

INTEGRITY

• Strive to act from this place
• Encourage me to act from this place
• Integrity is:
  • practicing values, not just professing them
  • choosing courage over comfort (sometimes it's easier to not practice values, and may take courage to practice them)
  • choosing what's right over what's easy, fast, or fun
• In Stoicism, integrity is akin to having virtues and making the choice to pursue acting virtuously, the point of which, according to Epictetus, is for life to flow more smoothly. This relates to the comment under BOUNDARIES RESPECTED about how the Five Precepts are acts of generosity because they recognize, respect, and honor boundaries, which makes life flow more smoothly -- and safely -- for all.
• In the earliest written Buddhist texts, originally passed through oral transmission and attributed to Gautama Buddha, beings have their intentional actions (karma) as their refuge or shelter. Actions distinguish beings as inferior and superior, which can impact current and future conditions. Someone who acts from integrity, values, and virtues, and encourages those close to them to do the same, is conscious of building and maintaining a strong refuge or shelter (though in life, whenever there is a boundary [and the source of this assertion is the book Boundaries], there is someone who will always seek to breach and/or destroy it. That's why it's important to build and maintain boundaries with as much strength an awareness as possible, and in human relations, that strength has the strongest foundations when based on values and virtues, and awareness is increased when we have someone on our side pointing out our weaknesses and blind spots).
• Another word for integrity is wholeness -- when one acts in wholeness and their wholeness is respected, they have a refuge or shelter. Good relationships reciprocally protect and reinforce one's shelters.

NON-JUDGMENT

• We each are allowed to fall apart, struggle, and ask for help without judgment

GENEROSITY

• Assume the most generous things about each other's words, intentions, and behaviors, and then check it out (e.g., "I expected you at a certain time but you didn't show up. I assume something happened that prevented you from calling me to let me know. But I'm curious, what happened?")
• Do you always assume the worst intentions behind the other person's actions? Is it because they have a track record of acting without integrity/acting with bad intentions, or because of issues external to them? Is it genuinely on them and therefore they don't deserve your trust and a boundary is required, or are you putting it on them when they haven't earned it?
• Vulnerability is inherently uncomfortable and can feel weak/weakening, even though we all are vulnerable and experience vulnerabilities. Two possible responses are blaming and courageousness. Courageousness is responding to being vulnerable from a place of strength. Blaming discharges discomfort, pain, and fear, but it is not always accurate. Therefore, it can be courageous to be curious and ask questions rather than to blame, and is an act of vulnerability that can lead to mutual trust, understanding and respect.
  • Brene gave an example in a different video about leadership of a supervisor telling an employee: "I see that this didn't happen, and I admit that my first inclination was to blame you for not doing x, y, z. What really happened?" And the employee said, "I've been trying to do x, y, and z all along, and here's evidence of that. Then something external beyond my control happened, and I'd like to explain it so we can focus on that and try to resolve it."
  • In another video, Brene gave the example of two football teams in which both have injured star quarterbacks: do you bet on the team that uses the injured quarterback who has a strong track record but may not be able to deliver, or do you bet on the team that uses the second-string quarterback and relies on the entire team to work together to overcome the vulnerabilities (which also relates to non-judgment and being allowed to fall apart, struggle, and ask for help)?
  • Vulnerability is the birthplace of courage, creativity, and innovation

* No killing; no lying; no stealing; no sexual misconduct; no intoxicants that lower one's inhibitions against harming others, against harming the self, or against allowing others the access or ability to harm the self

 

[Xander_McG]

ave the energy too look too far.
I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for over 10yrs now (2 attempts) after my 2nd attempt I was able to cope with my feelings more and not act on it. However something in me had changed and I'm struggling to cope again.
I want to tell my boyfriend about it all but I can't find the right words. Whenever I'm upset I take myself away from him and he never truly sees my breakdowns. (He knows I

I never told anyone how bad my thoughts and stuff were getting. Never explained to anyone how I used to think about comitting suicide or telling anyone when I was having a bad day. And I have a very loving and supportive family. Because I never spoke about any of what I was dealing with, it caused my wife to fall out of love with me because I wasn't communicating with her. My advice would be, if you've got something there worth keeping but you're not sure how to speak to them about it, approach them about possibly going to relationship counselling or something. Not saying that your relationship is in trouble but they do help couples to just talk to each other and make them more at ease with each other, it may work.x

 

[gnomeboy17]

I'm in a very similar situation, I've been dating a guy for a few months, he's really nice. But I don't want to tell him I'm suicidal because I feel like that would be putting too much on him, since he already knows I have anxiety and I'm trans.

Tbh I think the easiest way is just to tell him straight out. I would do it by text though because i feel like it's easier to get your thoughts out without crying or panicking.

Best wishes :)

 

[It'sNotLookingGood]

Hi. Sorry if there's already a thread for advice about this, I can't seem to find one and don't have the energy too look too far.
I've dealt with suicidal thoughts for over 10yrs now (2 attempts) after my 2nd attempt I was able to cope with my feelings more and not act on it. However something in me had changed and I'm struggling to cope again.
I want to tell my boyfriend about it all but I can't find the right words. Whenever I'm upset I take myself away from him and he never truly sees my breakdowns. (He knows I have depression but I doubt he knows how bad it can get)

Can anyone help share how they told loved ones?

In all honesty, I think it's selfish to tell someone you love that you're suicidal. It might help you somewhat, sure, but it's a huge huge burden for them to carry in exchange - I think that's selfish. I did it once, and I regret it.

Also, should you kill yourself, I think the guilt he feels will be massively intensified if he knew you were suicidal, and didn't tell anyone about it/do anything. The alternative to this is ofc that he does tell people/do something about it - scary.

 

[ineedtoleave]

I was honest about it and he was actually really sweet but obviously also doesn't know what to do about it