Since I was 16 I've had these thoughts. They persisted through college. I used to wander through campus looking for unlocked rooftops (there were many). I set a few dates, written a few notes, made some lists. I feel like I used to have these thoughts about once a month on average. During times it would be once a week or once a day, with no real reason for the increase in frequency. After college, the company that I worked at was on the 17th floor, and staring down at the traffic below, I'd think about how many seconds I would have to spend before snapping into nothing. There's no real reason for these thoughts. From an outside view, it appears my life is pretty great. I've checked all the boxes: job, wife, house. But something in my brain keeps me from feeling real joy. I cry constantly. It's embarrassing when I'm with a group of friends, we'll all be joking around, and I'll start sobbing out of nowhere. Not happy tears. That kind of spiral that near impossible to get out of.
Since about mid-August, the frequency of these thoughts has increased dramatically. Every second of every day, I've become obsessed with my exit strategy. Every conversation that I have, I think of how meaningless it is if I'm not going to be here anymore. I've been slowly working through a list to make sure that 1. I can prove to myself and everyone that I really have tried everything to get better, and 2. That I'm not going to leave my friends and family without all of my affairs in order. So it's things like finding a therapist, trying an antidepressant/trees/unclebens, life insurance, method, transferring passwords, etc. I've worked most of the way through the list, but I still don't have a date set yet until the list is done.
What I'm wondering, though, is how people don't think about ctb constantly. I don't understand how it's possible. It's so easy to just be done with it all, instead of drudging through the rest of the years that, at the best, have a small chance of being marginally better. I have assumptions of where the bus leads, and hopes of where it leads. I really don't mind whatever it is. I just want to be done.
I used to have mantras like "stay curious", and "don't put so much important on the world". But they've lost their affect over the years. Any mantras out there that have helped you? Any tips on how to lessen the thoughts?
P.S. - I came in the wave of the NYT article. I read the entire thing and just kept thinking that this is the community that I've been looking for but couldn't find. I just wanted to talk to people about this without their immediate bias of trying to give me platitudes and say anything to keep me here. I want to talk to others who have legitimately struggled with the same things that I've been struggling with for decades, and I'm glad this community exists.
Since about mid-August, the frequency of these thoughts has increased dramatically. Every second of every day, I've become obsessed with my exit strategy. Every conversation that I have, I think of how meaningless it is if I'm not going to be here anymore. I've been slowly working through a list to make sure that 1. I can prove to myself and everyone that I really have tried everything to get better, and 2. That I'm not going to leave my friends and family without all of my affairs in order. So it's things like finding a therapist, trying an antidepressant/trees/unclebens, life insurance, method, transferring passwords, etc. I've worked most of the way through the list, but I still don't have a date set yet until the list is done.
What I'm wondering, though, is how people don't think about ctb constantly. I don't understand how it's possible. It's so easy to just be done with it all, instead of drudging through the rest of the years that, at the best, have a small chance of being marginally better. I have assumptions of where the bus leads, and hopes of where it leads. I really don't mind whatever it is. I just want to be done.
I used to have mantras like "stay curious", and "don't put so much important on the world". But they've lost their affect over the years. Any mantras out there that have helped you? Any tips on how to lessen the thoughts?
P.S. - I came in the wave of the NYT article. I read the entire thing and just kept thinking that this is the community that I've been looking for but couldn't find. I just wanted to talk to people about this without their immediate bias of trying to give me platitudes and say anything to keep me here. I want to talk to others who have legitimately struggled with the same things that I've been struggling with for decades, and I'm glad this community exists.
