How to stop pain from a breakup?

[Aboutblue]

I ruined my relationship of 9 years. It was solely my fault. People tell me that this is something "everyone" has gone through. That it will get better, just give it time. Or that everything is temporary anyway. Or I'll find someone else. Or I should live for myself and learn to be happy with just me. Oh and don't forget to take up a hobby and breathe.

Problem is, none of this takes away the pain. Not even one bit. It doesn't matter if logically they may be right; I've still struggled every day for the past 7 months. Struggled with leaving my ex alone and not being a crazy stalker. Struggled with suicidal ideation but the complete inability to follow through. Struggled with causing even more pain to my ex because of my suicidal ideation and hassling her.

Does anyone have any suggestions for getting through this shit? I'm so goddamn tired of sobbing every day, of feeling terrible, of wanting to die and erase myself, and of knowing that life is totally pointless and there's nothing I can do to make it matter.

I know I'm not the first person who ruined a relationship and this isn't even the first time I've gotten my heart broken but this is just too much. It's too much sometimes to deal with. Even when the immediate pain stops, I just go back to "life is pointless so why am I here?"

Not sure what I'm asking for just... help... lol

 

[Blahblahbloop]

I've trashed my relationship too and it is an awful feeling knowing you're alone now because of your own doing. Nothing I can say could take the shame and pain of that away. My partner who I had repeatedly lied to and concealed my mental health issues from, told me recently that all he had ever wanted from me was for me to be well and happy and he would've married me. That his heart was broken because all he wanted was to have kids with me while his parents were still alive.

But maybe you can ask yourself why it happened? Why did the break up occur? Was it a stupid mistake? Was it a pattern of carelessness or poor treatment? There is an underlying cause to the break up and whatever that is will help you understand and maybe come to peace with it eventually. And to learn from it.

Sometimes we're in pain and suffering and taking that pain out on our loved ones when we don't know we're doing it. Or convincing ourselves that they don't care and that our actions won't affect them. Our loved ones can try as hard as they can and make us their responsibility but in the end the person who needs to help and change is us. And only we can make that happen.

 

[#imdone]

Hi I've been through something very similar and it's very hard, if you need to chat I'm here, what country are you in?

 

[Aboutblue]

Hi I've been through something very similar and it's very hard, if you need to chat I'm here, what country are you in?

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm in the US.

 

[needed_]

I feel with you all. I'm also in deep emotional pain due to failed relationship, but it's not because of me. My ex(? we haven't officially broken up yet)-boyfriend has lots of problems but doesn't want help so he ran away to new york (we're from germany) in august. He thought problems would fade away just because he's far away but at the moment he's realising that things inside him don't change. I don't know what happens next but my heart is sooo broken and I can't really talk to friends anymore because they all say get over it..

 

[Bleak]

If you haven't already, perhaps get rid of anything that reminds you of them, block their social media etc. I remember what always caused me fresh pain was checking my email thinking that maybe she had sent me a message and I could get closure. It helped to block her email so that that wasn't a possibility anymore.

 

[kiuya]

Tbh you can't stop it. You just need to suffer through it and let yourself heal. Distracting yourself from it will just postpone the pain and sadness to a later date. I had a really bad breakup 3 years ago and cried two months straight almost non-stop and I'm still recovering to this day, thankfully doing better.
What is scientifically proven to make you feel better is exercise. I hate sports and going outside so I started doing pilates. Jessica Valant has really good training videos, and she makes you feel good even though your form is shit, she made me enjoy exercising.
Hopefully you'll get better, time heals even though it sounds really cliche at this point and time to you

 

[Ashu]

Free will is an illusion, so go easy on yourself.

 

[pole]

it's hard.

there's no way around it. 9 years too, can't imagine how you feel at all.

People tell me that this is something "everyone" has gone through. That it will get better, just give it time. Or that everything is temporary anyway. Or I'll find someone else. Or I should live for myself and learn to be happy with just me. Oh and don't forget to take up a hobby and breathe.

one thing you should do is ignore the shit people are telling you. all that toxic positivity bullshit personally hurts me even more. it's all empty and moreso just to try and comfort you and tell you it'll be okay. but they don't see and hear you, and understand how hard it is. those types of messages do more harm than good and leave people feeling misunderstood.

the truth is, it hurts. the heartache will linger for a while. and for me personally, even time isn't enough to heal those wounds.

and honestly, i can't tell you how it'll get better or how to get through because i've also been struggling with this.

but you should know, you aren't alone. people hear and see you. one thing i would say is to not bottle it up and keep how you feel stuck inside. let it out.

hope you find peace.

 

[#imdone]

Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm in the US.

I'm in UK, but heartache the same the world over. I was a tool and the love of my life left me for another guy, I used alcohol to cope ALOT of alcohol…. Keep talking and try not to fixate, anytime you wanna chat I'll be around

 

[Onthe29th]

You don't really get over it. At least for me, I know I think about it , grieve, ruminate, beat myself up etc a lot but over time, it became easier and before I knew it, I was over it. Losing a long term relationship is rough. Try to be nice to yourself too though. We all make mistakes. You can't really change what happened but you can work on yourself as a person

You could work out, read some self help books, see a therapist about your issues.. the point is to treat yourself good and learn from your mistakes, and allow yourself to grieve

 

[whyidon'tknow]

I too am in so much pain after foolishly ruining my relationship. She was my first girlfriend. I had no idea what I was doing, what I had, what Iost, what love really is. It's been three years and I still can't talk about it without getting teary eyed.

The only 'benefit' is that the whole experience made me feel more human. If we must suffer and feel pain than there is something to be said about having experienced some sort of love in life. My dad told me once it took him 15 years to get over a girl which is not very comforting lol.

Sending you love and kindness. Welcome to the human experience

 

[RetroChaos]

Your story hits far too home for me. I too ruined my relationship of 9 years. I got arrested in November for "Non-threatening harassment" and held in a cell for about 8hrs before they cautioned me. I was already heartbroken but the fact my ex would press charges against me after all these years just pushed me over the edge.

Just telling you all this so you also don't get in trouble like me by keep trying to get in contact, all the while she faults around as some "influencer".

Obviously I'm aware I was in the wrong both times, for why she left me because I repeatedly blew hot n cold and I was addicted to porn so I wasn't looking after needs, and no harassment is ever tolerable.

I digress regardless - if you find a way to move on let me know. I've gone to therapy, gotten a puppy for something else to bond and care to, tried to socialise more yet everyday gets harder. I drink a lot at home to try and forget and lose myself in the moment and sometimes that works but other times my desire to CTB increases ten-fold.

I still think I will, just as a show that I love her and I'm willing to leave to not put her through any more distress; along with also ending my own internal pain.

 

[StarryStarry]

No one can stop the pain of a break-up. It just takes time. What I suggest (for what its worth) is to think of it as moving through a very thick jungle. Move slowly (don't jump into another relationship), be kind to yourself (yes buy a new dress or have your hair done - I'm assuming you are female), as time goes by (and hell it goes by quickly) you will work your way through the jungle of pain and come out the other side. Stop blaming yourself. Believe it or not it takes two people to make a relationship work and two to break it up. You will survive this - trust me. Been there done that.

 

[Kristicide]

Time