When I was around 3-9 I was bullied/ostracized and from 9-14 I was mistreated by psychiatrists. Nothing acutely traumatic but just a lot of small/moderate things that built up, and 14 years of total loneliness and deprivation of friendships wasn't easy to live with. Nowadays my life situation is quite a lot better but I've never been able to really get past what happened.
It's not really a sharp flashback or anything like what I usually hear about, it's pretty passive. I don't usually ruminate on the thoughts/memories but just knowing all of it happened feels bitter and disappointing. Just thinking, "yeah, all of that happened for years ever since I could remember, and nobody helped me," it just feels disappointing because I never even got a chance to even begin to live, and it was all arbitrary and inexplicable because I was just a kid. I've always tried to come up with a reason to explain it but can't ever find a logical, consistent possibility. Feeling like it was all random bad luck is just so dissatisfying.
How do I stop feeling so disappointed about it? I know it's in the past, but just knowing it factually happened makes me feel so disillusioned. It's nothing extreme that I have to calm down over and certainly isn't on the same level of trauma as some people, but it's just something that sits in the background of my mind and feels unresolved. It feels like a constant mystery I have to somehow explain, but I can't and it just lingers around.
It's not really a sharp flashback or anything like what I usually hear about, it's pretty passive. I don't usually ruminate on the thoughts/memories but just knowing all of it happened feels bitter and disappointing. Just thinking, "yeah, all of that happened for years ever since I could remember, and nobody helped me," it just feels disappointing because I never even got a chance to even begin to live, and it was all arbitrary and inexplicable because I was just a kid. I've always tried to come up with a reason to explain it but can't ever find a logical, consistent possibility. Feeling like it was all random bad luck is just so dissatisfying.
How do I stop feeling so disappointed about it? I know it's in the past, but just knowing it factually happened makes me feel so disillusioned. It's nothing extreme that I have to calm down over and certainly isn't on the same level of trauma as some people, but it's just something that sits in the background of my mind and feels unresolved. It feels like a constant mystery I have to somehow explain, but I can't and it just lingers around.
