MrBlue
Arcanist
- Jul 1, 2020
- 416
Very sorry for the ramble in advance.
I'm trying to delay my ctb for as long as possible, but I'm worried I'll never be able to have a life worth living. I should have achieved all of these milestones in my mid/late teens, and I feel locked out of ever achieving them because I couldn't then. My general step by step plan for trying to get better is this:
1) Get a Job: I've gotten an offer but my ctb attempt in May delayed my pre-employment checks from completing. Atm I don't know if I'm going to start work around late Feb, or at all. 1.5)Get my driving liscence/car: This isn't a top priority but would help gain some independence
2)Make friends: I hope I can make a few friends online/through clubs (once they open again) eventually, but I couldn't do it at school/ uni so don't like my chances. Not only can I not relate to actual people (because I don't have any social experiences), the way I relate is different because I can't refer to people personally.
Without blatantly lying (which isn't sustainable/ morally right) I can't hide the fact that I don't have friends and haven't really had any before. This is always judged negatively by people and the longer it goes on the worse their judgement becomes and more unacceptable I become.
3)Forming a relationship: This is my end goal because the requirements to get into one are far higher than for 1) and 2), and I'll have to achieve both before it would be ok for me to try. The obstacles are similar to 2) but with the added problem that I'm very unattractive, mostly because of my size, and natural personality. My personal preferences also make this harder, because MY size is a much bigger deal breaker.
I just don't know how to keep going knowing I'm likely stuck as I am. Only the first ones are practical issues I can force my way through, and I've been lonely for so long I don't think I can handle another year. I'd be happy for any advice/encouragement I can get.
I'm trying to delay my ctb for as long as possible, but I'm worried I'll never be able to have a life worth living. I should have achieved all of these milestones in my mid/late teens, and I feel locked out of ever achieving them because I couldn't then. My general step by step plan for trying to get better is this:
1) Get a Job: I've gotten an offer but my ctb attempt in May delayed my pre-employment checks from completing. Atm I don't know if I'm going to start work around late Feb, or at all. 1.5)Get my driving liscence/car: This isn't a top priority but would help gain some independence
2)Make friends: I hope I can make a few friends online/through clubs (once they open again) eventually, but I couldn't do it at school/ uni so don't like my chances. Not only can I not relate to actual people (because I don't have any social experiences), the way I relate is different because I can't refer to people personally.
Without blatantly lying (which isn't sustainable/ morally right) I can't hide the fact that I don't have friends and haven't really had any before. This is always judged negatively by people and the longer it goes on the worse their judgement becomes and more unacceptable I become.
3)Forming a relationship: This is my end goal because the requirements to get into one are far higher than for 1) and 2), and I'll have to achieve both before it would be ok for me to try. The obstacles are similar to 2) but with the added problem that I'm very unattractive, mostly because of my size, and natural personality. My personal preferences also make this harder, because MY size is a much bigger deal breaker.
I just don't know how to keep going knowing I'm likely stuck as I am. Only the first ones are practical issues I can force my way through, and I've been lonely for so long I don't think I can handle another year. I'd be happy for any advice/encouragement I can get.
