Help How to prepare yourself mentally for suicide with SN

[Girl-shaped Wound]

FYI, sorry for the TLDR. If you don't feel like going through it, the question in the title is the main point.

I got my SN about a half year ago. It's legal and unrestricted in my country (so far… won't be shocked if bastards in power will try to change it ). Shockingly, it arrived 12 hours later – never got an online order that fast, especially since I bought the SN close to midnight.
I have only opened the parcel just now. Earlier, just holding it in my hands, knowing the contents, was almost too much. I cannot believe it, but apparently the SN has been produced last September and should be used until the end of this one. First of all, never heard of sealed SN having an expiry date (quite the opposite), second it has the same time limit as my metoproclamide. How weird is that? It is like I am being given a sign to CTB in September. I realize that both the pills and the SN should be fine to use long after that time, but…
Which leads me to my question.
I've been wanting to CTB since I was 10 or so, but could not pull it off. I think I'm getting close to finally crossing that line… The problem is that I have an extremely strong self-preservation instinct. I've stumbled upon a paper about suicidal people that basically stated that not everybody who is suicidal can pull it off. Even though it wasn't the intention of the pro-life writer, it truly made pulling even a failed attempt like a great achievement. It has validated me on feeling like a complete failure for wanting to die for most of my life (unlike normies) and not being able to actually go through with it (unlike the 'gifted' suicidal ones). Closest was standing on the windowsill, staring down and giving up.
How the fuck do I ease myself into using SN? I remember reading a post by someone who has been continuously going to a place they meant to jump from. It took time, but they eventually have gone through with it (even though the attempt itself failed). I wish I could do the same for SN in some form. Too bad that 'testing' it is considered an awful idea...
What I came up with is so far is:

• to go through the entire SN megathread, save interesting/important information, read the testimonies until I know them by heart etc.
• getting used to the look of the SN bottle. It still feels creepy/surreal to hold it and read all the warnings about toxicity etc. Not to mention the bizarre contents.
• practice drinking with a straw in a way that makes me avoid the taste (would using brine for this be a good idea?)
• getting back into intermittent fasting so that I can slip easily into the necessary 48h if needed

None of those ideas seem good enough, though.
I don't know how or why, but for the last year, I've been gradually losing pieces of myself and my bonds with the world. I constantly feel emotionally flat/empty and no longer identify with myself. My own hands seem alien when I look at them. It brings me sick pleasure to take care of my skin, now that there is nothing left on the inside to attend to.
I hate the thought of being slave to my existence until I get forcibly removed from it.
While there is still one thing that keeps me here, it is not as big of a problem as my fear of causing pain to myself and getting into an irreversible situation I cannot back out of. Both of those are caused by the self-preservation instinct, I think. How do I get over them?
I am tired of being a pathetically weak person that cannot finally kill herself and therefore is forced to repeat the same steps over and over again. I desperately long for a strength to overcome what little attachment to my body and life that I still have…
I wish that I could trick myself into thinking that I am NOT actually committing suicide, just fucking around. Make the situation seem less serious than it actually is.

If you've read all this shit, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even more so if you have some thoughts to share, whatever they may be (advice or not).

 

[Spyro24]

Very relatable. SI is my worst enemy and I wouldn't be here anymore if it wasn't for SI. It's like a final fuck you from the universe... my life sucks and there is no escape. My previous suicide attempts were completely impulsive but I never managed to pull it off before chickening out. I'm amazed that some people just create a plan and carry it out... I could never do that :(

I hope you manage to find peace.

 

[Astral Storm]

I really have no advice. I feel the same as you. I know that death is much more better than living and death feels like a sanctuary to me but I still have this vile oppressive fear. It makes me feel like a pawn. The best one would be to disappear from existence peacefully.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that the people who can answer the question best (those that have died from SN) are no longer with us. I just think that there is no way to force yourself to be mentally ready, only you know when it's the right time to leave this world, I believe that it's a feeling that people have. I also think that many people get so desperate that they have no problem ctb with SN, all they want is to be gone.

I think that it does sound easier ctb with a method like SN rather than something like hanging or drowning. I do think that suicide can be difficult no matter the method though as of course we are programmed to survive. If only there is a way to just peacefully pass away in our sleep without having to think about methods.
I wish you relief from suffering, best wishes.

 

[Hiraeth Grimoire]

I am relating to this quite a lot rn. 19 days left for me before I eliminate myself with SN. Not quite sure how SI can be faced in a good way, perhaps plowing through it is all that can be done.

 

[xo777]

I practice chugging the amount i'll have to that day- I just do rehearsals of how it will be sometimes i'll take sleeping pills before I do it just to calm myself in that moment and i'll pretend that it is my last moments.
It sounds stupid but it has helped me quite a bit.

No matter how much practicing there is and exposure that moment is going to be hard and we can't do much about that. We are going against our survival instincts